Wow. Press reset.

The past week has been crazy and I'm sure it will only get crazier in the near future. My trip to AZ in and of itself was great. Very relaxing and I spent the whole week with my lil big bro making music and listening to it.

Now, I've lost love and respect for her. There's certain lines you don't cross whether or not you're officially with someone and she has crossed those lines repeatedly while continuing to express regret for them. When a respectable person makes a mistake, they do everything they can to make sure they don't make that same mistake again.

And the truth has finally surfaced on all corners of my circle (corners in a circle ftw) and now will be the time we find who's real and really down till the end. Yeah, I knew certain things but I felt it was best to keep it on the low. I'm confident in my decisions so I can go into this return to California with a clear head ready to rebuild everything that's crumbled in the past week.

I need to get my head on right though, so I'm not scared of losing certain parts of my surroundings if it allows me more room to wander. I've got quite a bit to do today though, so I gotta get ghost but I'm sure I'll be back quite soon lol.

Random thoughts

I think it's pretty safe to say that trying to recap the past 2 weeks is hopeless. So instead I'll say that me doing me has been going on to the fullest, and here's some shit that's been getting me lately...

Because of my life, I have a defense mechanism of not letting people get to know the real me. I spend so much time dodging emotion, brushing shit off, being sarcastic, and if anyone makes me FEEL, I make sure I know how to get to them so I can try to make them feel even more than me. The problem here is that while the people I DO let in forgive me for that when I do it and love the person they finally get to see with all defenses down, I leave some of my acquaintances in the dust. I find that people get a bad impression of me, and I get frustrated at how misunderstood I am to them, while exacerbating the situation by not letting them in still. I need to solve this problem.

I'm trying to avoid negativity. Negative emotions are a waste of time really, and only attract more negative emotion. Thus, no matter what happens I'm making a conscious effort to stay a loving person and ACT that way as well. While certain things happen and people around me stay negative, I accept it as life. Idk how to explain it really. Jackee and I got into it today, and I made a sincere apology which she rejected and proceeded to decide to "punish" me by not talking to me until I learn my lesson or whatever. Honestly, while it's disappointing because lord knows I like the girl, I'm letting it go. I gave my apology and if she still puts negative emotion into the situation, then it's just better that I avoid all that negativity. "He who does not feel me is not real to me. So POOF!"

I'm starting to find that the best things in life present themselves rather than you directly searching for them. Metaphor: The best teams in the NBA are taking the off-season standing back and looking at the big picture for players that can fit into their scheme. Not desperately, just keeping an eye out. Then, if they see someone they think can improve their situation, they carefully evaluate it more in-depth and make a decision. The worse teams are scavenging the free agent market, looking for the best players with the best stats in an attempt to score more points or bring more attention to their team. It never seems to be about a careful arrangement of players that mesh together and create a balanced team, it's about adding all the "best" pieces they can find and hoping it works out.

So, I'm making the moves that I know I've got to make and otherwise staying in my spot and watching the field. If anyone or anything fit the way I want to work out my life, I'll add them. If they look good on paper but I don't feel like they'd work in my offense, they'll have to go. Ya dig?

lol, Logic Speaks.

Before I die list

1) Skydive.
2) Go to Disneyland high as fuck.
3) Have sex with a girl I love on E.
4) Buy a sports car and outrun the cops on the freeway.
5) Draw up an elaborate plot to rob a bank but never do it lol.
6) Think of more cool shit to do before I die.

Amanda's still around, Jackee's still around, my vacation's coming up, and I'm not sure what to do with my life anymore.

That's all I have to say for now.

Curiosity killed the cat

Fucking females dog...

Amanda says she loves me. She says she realized a lot of things and that I was right in saying I know her best. This all comes just as I was truly becoming comfortable with the idea that I no longer have feelings for her like that. Lord knows I still have mad love for her, but as far as her being on my mind and being THE girl I love.....nah. So I told her that she's kinda OD'in and we'll talk about it more later. So, I'll talk about it more later....lol.

Jackee.....damn. It all started when she didn't come to karaoke and I told her I would pick her up and she still didn't come. Iffy to say the least. Then she left me alone with her phone and my curiosity took over. I found out my name in her phone was "Shawne" which isn't my name ahahah obviously. So I let that slide but there was obviously more than meets the eye going on. Next she had on her AIM away message something about hanging out with "wifey" that night. The revelations of last blog entry were that she's bi. So I decided to just ask her straight up what was good. She tells me wifey is a gay dude she knows and she calls him that, and that my name is different in her phone because she fucks some dude and he goes through her phone and trips when there's a new name in it. So to justify this she only didn't tell me because he supposedly means nothing to her and she only does it to him because he gives her money that she needs. Then tonight I decide to Google her, because with no MySpace or Facebook I really need something to fall back on to see if I can trust her. Negative. Some girl in Moreno Valley wrote her name in a blog saying AND I QUOTE (lol) "love this girl unconditionally and Im willin to move past everything that has happened and start over fresh." That's the only part of the blog I got to see and yet there are already like 3 different problems with JUST that.

So now I gotta decide what I'm going to do with her. I definitely think I'm going to keep her around, she seems like a pretty good friend if nothing else. BUT (I apologize for the simp shit but I HAVE to get this out) it's really disappointing to say the least. Everything about her seemed so perfect and she said all the right words, so it's kind of hard to believe that it was all game. Yet, I have this feeling that I should stick around but keep my head above water. WAY above water. She's going to lie, and she's going to sneak (apparently) but I'll just act like Dell and not believe any of that shit lol. Yet, just like Dell, beyond all the bullshit, I know for a fact there's a genuine person under there. So maybe I should just take it upon myself to try and pull that person out. I kind of have a knack for getting to people who nobody else can get to, so hey who knows, maybe this time I'll get lucky. Peace.

I'm a slutbag

General ass blog. Too much to cover.

I'm lowkey talking to a lot of females.

Jackee is all that and then some. Unexpected revelations and shit. Plus, she's like me..... if I had gone through 10 times more and still came out 10 times stronger. She's like.... incredible. Honestly. And there's something about her that makes me just want to give her the whole fucking world on a platter. After just our SECOND date. lol.

Amanda and I kind of have this..... understanding. IDK WTF we are really. I guess the general consensus is that we do both still have feelings for each other, and we need to stop fucking around and figure out what we want to do with those feelings. It's like, I want her around physically for now, but if I got a girl, I'd just want her as a friend, but if we broke up, I would still want her back around physically. See, I don't fucking know. For now she's my boo though, as far as I can tell.

Then there's my cousin who I hope keeps her job. I can see why people don't understand the dynamics of our relationship. We will talk about sex openly and graphically, and just laugh and shit. High chance that's not common. Oh well, neither of us are common people, so we won't even bother breaking the mold, just be above it.

lol, I have to retire from this blog for now. It's funny, I kind of want a play-by-play recap for myself as I get older but truth be told, all the good stories will probably just be memories in the first place. =)

Smh

Last night was bunk. I invited my new boo to come to karaoke a few days ago and she kept swearing she would come. Well, last night I had to work, which is unusual for me, so I wasn't going to get there until like 11:30. I told her and she said she might not see me then because her cousin was going to take her and she doesn't like waiting places for people to show up.

So, I offer to pick her up because honestly the only reason I even wanted to go to karaoke was because I wanted to have a decent night of fun out with her. She was like, "Ok I'll let you know if I need a ride because I stalled my cousin so I could see you and now she's playing." "awww, how sweet." I think to myself. She's supposed to let me know by midnight. Midnight comes and I still haven't heard anything, so I call. She doesn't answer.

She texts me like 45 minutes later like "Oh sorry I was trying to get her to take me to my moms so I could get my car and meet you there but she didn't come through so sorry I couldn't go I'll make it up to you promise." I say it's cool or whatever and go on about my night.

As much as I would LIKE to give her the benefit of the doubt, this is exactly the kind of stupid shit I ignored when it came to my last girl that ended up backfiring on me. I offered to give her a ride, so really, if she wanted to come there is NO fucking excuse. And, why wouldn't she have her car with her in the first place? I guess she thinks I was born yesterday, but really, I'm not that fucking retarded. On come OG Cuzzo Alyssa shit, she was probably just with another nigga. Oh well, I'll take the L for last night, probably the future, and if she feels like she needs to make it up to me she'll do it on her own time.

AND THEN...

Stupid girl is predictable. Utterly predictable. And depending on what happens tonight, she might just be the most predictable girl ever.

The end.

Sooooo

Date went deliciously well, we have a real cool vibe going, feels like I've known her for a lot longer than I have. It was interesting, near the end of our date we started talking about semi-serious stuff. Now, I know I asked some of those questions because I can definitely see us going somewhere, so I just wonder if she asked some of her questions for the same reasons. Ace liked her, as well as Audrey, so +2 for her.

Audrey is kind of like me, except that while everyone around me fucked me over, I still had my two closest friends around who had never done that. For her, it was everyone PLUS her closest friends. I want to be a good friend to her, so that she can know what having one feels like, but I have to ease my way in, especially now that she knows what goes on behind closed doors and the kind of secrets people keep... and it's really hard to trust anyone when you know stuff like that. Personal experience.

Other than that, I spent the day observing and keeping to myself. Stupid girl definitely feels the rift now, and Mindy probably caught on that it's over for her, for now, because we haven't spoken SINCE Saturday. Interestingly enough, I give that a huge "Oh well" and keep moving. I fucked up and wasted a good 2 hours of my time today fucking with people who aren't doing shit in their lives, and feeling like I need to step my game up because I'm still fucking with useless pawns. I'm an asshole and I openly admit that, but my niggas and I can be doing way better than these tricks. At the very least I finally perfected my thesis on moving somewhere to avoid problems...

The grass is greener on the other side because you don't take good care of your lawn. So, if you move to the other side of course it will be green at first, but unless YOU change how you treat your lawn, it will end up just as brown as the one you just left.

That being said, I'm going back into slow motion tomorrow, hitting the gym and going to work, hopefully that's it. =/

Logic Speaks

Apparently my dick is in season

I talked to stupid girl last night, got a few things off my chest, got emotional talking about my moms, let her hear the song that I wrote about her and never recorded, I told her I don't love her anymore. She hugged me when she left, kissed me on the cheek and when I got home she sent me a picture of her in her bra. Wtf why. Irritating. I have to admit, she's much more like a drug that the other one, and I finally think I'm ready to quit. Consequently, it just means she'll go THAT much harder, but I think I'm ready for it. Random quote in 3....2......1....

"I aint a player I just crush a lot
Literally.... my high school crush was hot
And I aint gonna lie yeah we fucked a lot
Touched the spot
And yeah I really did catch feelings, but it's over
She was a drug and now I'm sober."
- Charles Hamilton

Then today I'm supposed to be going to the movies with my new boo lol but my cousin wants to go to the movies with her little sister because her birthday was Monday. Now, I kind of planned for the date a while ago so I do want to do that but at the same time it's my little cousin we're talking about here. I don't want to let anyone down so I'm stuck between a rock and a very very hard place.

Will I figure out how to please everyone? Find out in the next blog, ha!

Fingers in my ears

I'm highkey tired as hell. Emotional rollercoasters along with the physical ones I went on Saturday. I want to walk away, leave her high and dry and THAT'S when she finally decides to open up. I can be there for her as a friend but if I don't see her beginning to truly improve I'm walking the fuck away.

This other girl though, wow, she seems pretty fucking amazing. I haven't seen her since I met her but we've been texting a lot and everything I said I wanted, she just might be. Maybe it's because she's older and had already been through that 'phase', or maybe it's because she's had so much drama and hardship, or maybe it's a little of both. Either way, I really can't wait for our little date on Wednesday, I have a feeling it will go very well. Plus, she basically told me I need to be goofy and outgoing to hang so if I have to be goofy, we'll see if SHE can keep up with just how goofy I can really be lol.

Yet, whatever happens in any case, I don't want to give too much of myself out right now, I'm still focused on me. Shit, I haven't even really gotten a good night's sleep in a while, nevermind some time to myself to just chill and not have anything to do or anywhere to go. To increase the standards by which those around me are held accountable for, I must first increase the standards for myself. So, that's the goal.

Read a few books, write a few songs and if there's people down for the journey and not just down for the ride, they can come with me. Think about that.

Logic Speaks

Out of this world, out of my mind.

Yesterday was the first time that I can honestly say I came to the realization that stupid girl is a stupid girl and not worth my time. I been KNOWN, but there's a difference between knowing something and then applying it to your reality.

So some nigga she met was with us or whatever and I basically avoided them all day until the very end and by that point even when they were all hugged up and cuddling and shit I honestly felt no particular way about it. If anything it amazes me how I got taken for granted on such a large scale, how much she really just doesn't care about how I feel about her and basically doesn't give a fuck about me at all.

So I just kind of realized that if she's happy and comfortable over in this niggas arms instead of mine, there's not a god damn thing I can do about it. I've done all I can and if I'm lucky the best that will come out of this is a few years from now she'll be in a terrible position and find herself regretful that she did me like this.

"You love me baby...
Unlove me baby
Let me be
Set me free
You near me baby?
Not nearly baby
You're saying I'm your friend
Then why're we at the end?
But I should be ashamed 'cause I
Let you treat me this way and I've
Known all this time
I should have been using
The right side of my brain"

With no regrets.

Might be a new chapter coming up soon, but I'll let you know when the wheels start rolling.

Destroy and Rebuild

Peep the song in the player, and then realize that instead of applying it to my city, I'm applying it to my circle of friends. Some major cuts on the way mostly because I'm tired of all the disrespect and lack of appreciation.

"It's DISGUSTING man...Keep my name out your motha fuckin mouth. There's no more room for jealousy, we're DESTROYING and REBUILDING, that means the cowards get out and the real niggas stay."

Love being me.

I love being me. I know I have to look like an idiot to some people reading this with all my back and forth can't make up my mind shit, but I came to yet another conclusion tonight about stupid girl.

I'm going to act like I love her as much as I do love her.

This has so many ways it can backfire but I really need to stop with the bullshit. I got caught up in games, and my frustrations and angst then caught up with me. No more catching an attitude with her, no more getting angry when she does something stupid, I'm just going to smile at her every chance I get and treat her like she's the most precious thing in this world.

I don't know how long I can keep it up, but hopefully just as long as she deserves it....forever. Now, that's not to say something needs to come out of it, because there's a good chance nothing will. However, I should already know that nothing really comes out of anything, it's what YOU put into it that matters.

Part of this came with the realization that even if we WERE to officially start talking again or whatever, things still wouldn't work out, because we'd still both be in this same mode of how we treat each other. I know I'd get upset, inside at LEAST, if she was talking to a bunch of dudes, but if I want to be the only one I've got to do something to put myself in the position to be the only one worth talking to in the first place.

And if none of it works, nobody can point a finger at me and say I didn't do enough. Playing the games more or less got me to where I wanted to be with her, but not consistently, which is really the true goal. It's funny I'm saying/thinking all this but as far as I know right now we haven't talked in a couple days because of all the fuckery that surrounded the situation from all sides. Yet, I have an ironic faith that this is my chance, and this is my time.

So we'll see what happens. I'm always down to put my heart out on a cliff just in case it might finally feel what it's like to ALMOST fall and break again, before finally being saved.

What to do

Drama. Bullshit. Lies. Frustration. Immaturity. Maturity. Pain. Love. Doing too much. Doing too little. Disappointment. Anger. Respect. Tears. Lack of faith. Too much faith. Patience. Volatility. Loneliness. Loneliness being filled with emptiness.

And it was all good just a week ago.

If I make you a song...

I SHOULD make you a song and never let you hear it...

My cousins trippin. Apparently I've been avoiding her since her car broke down. Even though Friday night I invited her to come to karaoke, picked her up and chilled with her after and on Sunday took her to lunch and spent at least 2 hours with her. She says I was bored and karaoke and took her to lunch out of pity.

Wow.

It's crazy because I've always put my cousin before everyone else and I really do love her more than anyone else. So, while it was just probably her being the way I know she can be sometimes, on her Facebook she said some stupid shit like "Alyssa W. Is taking apps 4 new family members & friends..interested??"

Double Wow.

So now I have to go over there, deal with her little attitude and tell her never to say some stupid shit like that ever again in life. I'm so fucking busy these days though man. I still haven't seen my littlest brother and sisters, haven't seen my little brothers in a while, and haven't seen Ben in a LONG time. My cousin should really be grateful I see her as much as I do. Smh, whatever dog.

I gotta go write a song to my weakness that I don't think I'll ever let her hear...

Lost in a whirlpool

*sigh*

Ok, maybe it changed things a little more than I'd like to think.

To me it's still this sort of surreal occurrence that I'm not entirely sure even happened in reality. Everything and everyone around me seems the same. Yet, I feel different.

Looking at it optimistically, she finally feels comfortable with me. Maybe even safe. Like, when she's alone with me I take all of her pain away. Maybe I just numb it.

Looking at it pessimistically, she feels that way with everybody in that situation.

Yet, it's still this kind of big relief, that all I wanted was for things to be like that consistently and there's a chance it could end up that way. Not to say it WILL, because Lord knows it could have been a once-in-a-lifetime thing, especially how everything went...

So I know I have to chill, and see what moves I need to make. I've learned how she signals those moves now, and while subtle, I can see right through her. I see her pain, and even if I'm just there to make it go away for a short while, if I can, I will.

Then we'll see if the sun still shines a little brighter the next day...

lol, WOW...

I think I just got my lines swagger jacked and reused lmao, that shit is collllld.

ANYWAYS...

Tastes like candy, smells like flowers.

But I just played in the garden, I didn't go much further. I COULDN'T. Hmm, maybe next time. I don't think this complicates things much, but it certainly makes them more interesting.

Lack of details....story of my life.

Past few days have been real cool though, not too much to report on but I think a few things are starting to swing back my way. And I like it. =)

Stay In Your Lane

I got the car, love it. Moving on...

We just had an encounter with police again. Me, Ace, Maury and the other people who are relatively obsolete to this story lol. We were playing basketball at the park, had just finished and were leaving when a cop pulled up. He was shining his light at us, mind you from at least 200 feet away, and Maury yelled, "Turn that damn light off!". So as we continue leaving, I'm at the head of the group with another guy and the cop asks who is the smart mouth who said to turn the light off. We both said we didn't know, and Maury yells it AGAIN from over on the court. Guys voice, only 2 guys in the back it could have been. I don't think the cop heard it the second time though. Moving on...

He asks us how old we are, asks if we have ids because the park closes at 10 and he can tow our cars blah blah blah. Then he asks us who has the smart mouth. Ace and Maury are kind of standing directly in front of the cop, while I'm off to the side. The cop singles out Ace like "Was it you with the smartass mouth?" Ace says, "No, can I ask why you're singling me out of everybody here?" and the cop says "Because you're the one who has the arrogant look on your face." Moving on...

So, none of us ended up getting tickets and as we're all preparing to pull away, me Ace and Maury are in the car and I'm telling Maury jokingly like "Haha, damn how many times are you going to be smart to a cop and still expect to get away with it?" and the cop walks up to the window and once again singles out Ace. "Are you over here talking shit again?" Ace replies, in a raised voice "NO! I JUST SAID BYE TO THEM AND THAT WE'LL SEE THEM LATER!" The cop is like "Don't fuck with me man, all that shit talking means nothing to me. I worked in L.A. for 15 years, most of them in South Central. You better calm that down." blah blah blah we all leave no harm no foul. Moving on...

So, in the car I address the issue with Ace that I will also address here. I told him that he WAS raising the voice at the cop, he DOES have an arrogant look on his face and that this will all end up backfiring on him one day. Keep in mind that I'm on his side, I don't really like 95% of cops, and this is my friend who I consider family. He still refuses to hear ANYTHING I'm saying. "Nah blood I didn't raise my voice to him. How do I have an arrogant look on my face? He was just fucking with me because when he saw us at the court I had my shirt off and then when I put it on I was wearing a white tee he was just stereotyping me."

*sigh*

I told him, he knows he has an arrogant look on his face, because he's an arrogant person. His problem is he doesn't know when to turn that shit off. Then, even if he was stereotyping you, understand that he's stereotyping ALL of us. Even if he did do a little harder on you in your mind, you still should have just avoided the situation as much as possible because you already KNOW he's going to fuck with you. When he came to the window instead of raising your voice and speaking in a disrespectful tone, you SHOULD have just said "No, sir." HOW FUCKING HARD IS THAT? You want a ticket because you refuse to turn off your arrogance when you're already in the wrong? Ok, then I'll go harder.

THAT'S why you don't have a job. Because you're too cool and just don't care and "It is what it is." That's why you're broke. That's why you're not a happy person and we ALL know why. People who just don't give a fuck end up broke, with kids, in jail. Point blank, period. If you feel it makes you look cool, then keep acting like that. Really, it just makes you look stupid as fuck. Not to mention of all the people there you were the one least capable of paying a ticket if you got one. Shit, you'd probably have to get a ride from your mom to your court date. Sorry, it's the truth though.

Moral of the story is, part of maturity is learning when to swallow your pride. If you can't do that, you'll fall behind, which you have done. Now you can either try to catch up or fall further and further behind until nobody even wants to fuck with you anymore.

And I'll be telling this to you tomorrow.

Just Might Be Okay

I'm about 3 hours from sitting in my new car and driving it off the lot into the future. 2007 Ford Fusion S. I'll post pictures later, possibly. My payments will be higher than I wanted, my insurance will be much higher than I wanted but I'm completely willing to be broke for some months if it means not having to drive around expecting my car to break down every time I hit a corner, or not start before I go to work.

Trading in the Saturn for $500. lol, seems like so little for how much me and that car went through. The epitome of a love/hate relationship. I never gave my car a name, but she was a girl and I always just called her "My Bitch" lmao. Which was kinda true, cuz she was just my bitch until I got in a real relationship. I'm about to step into a real relationship now, I hope this girl treats me right. I won't be able to do as much as I used to, but that's what happens when you're in a committed relationship.

lol, metaphors are ill.

So as of right now I'm just kinda zoned in on that, putting some more music on my mp3 player because my new car has an AUX port so I can just plug it in and go. I'll probably end up writing another blog tonight, but we'll see.

Real adult life.

No bueno.

As a kid you don't have to worry about things like, "Well if I get THIS insurance policy it's less per month, but if I get in an accident my deductible is high and I'll be screwed. However, I can have a lower deductible, but my monthly payments will be way bigger. Hmmmm..."

I wish I could go play handball again and be the king of handball at Walt Disney Elementary. Cuz this shit right here nigga!....this shit is whaaaack.

Whyyy the fuck not.

I have a mean ass headache. I'm tired. I'm stressed. I'm broke. I'm screwed.

Well, my grandpa is helping me out a wholllle lot by giving me a G for a down payment on this young car.

The deal is, my car is done. The transmission is fucked and is more or less just waiting to die completely. It would take at LEAST $2000 to fix, so I'm not going that route.

So, I'm getting a new car but all the ones I can afford need a warranty because they're so old, which makes them cost more. Smh. Lowkey, I just want this car to make it until February of next year without any major issues, and if the economy is back on track I'll be GOOD. I'll have a nice down payment from my tax refund and be making a lot more at work.

Not to mention now I won't be a first-time buyer when I'm REALLY trying to get a car.

The only part is getting through this tough part. If I get a car payment, and the at least $150 a month increase in my insurance, my finances will be incredibly tight. Basically to the point that my life will consist of nothing extra unless I get more than 24-26 hours a week. That's even considering I only spend $20 a week on food which is tough but not really impossible..... I guess. Plus now gas is going up so I'll probably end up spending more on that than I'm really accounting for.

Headache.

I only wrote this blog because I have to wait for my clothes to get out of the dryer anyways.

I hate that I knew some bullshit was on it's way, and unfortunately I already know how life likes to do me: combos. So, I'm bracing for it, no matter which direction it comes from. Hopefully everything I've learned up to this point will allow me to stay on my feet, even if I have to stumble for a while...

Logic Speaks

Such a beautiful color....

I can't do this blog exactly like I want to. Think about it: I spent a whole weekend with the majority of my time staring into the sky. How much I thought about doing that is near infinite so rather than reporting on all of that, I kind of have to write this blog for archival purposes.

Erin, Mariah, Kiani and two new girls, Kayla and Iman. Erin is good, she's starting to get on her grind with niggas but that's only to be expected and I trust her to make the right decisions. Mariah is WAY nicer now than she was when I first met her, and I also trust her in terms of dudes. Kayla is the good new one, she has some issues that she doesn't entirely open up about and she's incredibly self-conscious but she has a certain strength I can see and a certain spark in her that frighteningly reminds me, of me. Iman is a bad look, and she'll drag Kiani into her bullshit sooner or later. Sad, but probably true. I would love to be wrong though.

Why did I only talk about the girls? Because they are the future. Niggas will be niggas regardless, but I'm hoping I can make an impact in making sure these girls don't OD on all the bullshit going around. They seem to respect my opinion, so I'm doing ok in that sense for now at least.

But just to say it, RJ, Mharsaun, Marques, Gio, Schaffen are all doing well and are also menaces to spell check lmao.

Dell hit me up, and he apologized, yet I still think we need to speak face to face to get back on track.

My crush is over, I think.

My car is probably on it's way out the door, and unfortunately I'm not 100% that the money I make will qualify me for a loan to get a new one. Faith endures though.

Cousins car broke down, and she's probably going to be in the same position as me, or vice versa, not sure...

And honestly, I'm going to stop writing this blog, my mind is on some other shit right now and I feel like I'm confusing you/myself so.....yeah.

Turning point

How fucking cool that this gets to be the 100th blog? lol.

Ok, I won't be back until Monday or Tuesday, not sure which. That's also assuming everything goes well. I don't know these bad feelings have me madddd pessimistic these days.

I took the blog's address off my myspace, and I assume it has now become immensely more secure in who reads it. My pessimism thinks that nobody reads this and that I'm talking to myself and solving my own problems, but deep down it feels like someone is reading this blog and never says anything, they just want to make sure I'm ok. It might be God, but it might be you.

Ok so I met this girl. I've seen her around before, she works for the same company as me and out of the blue she was working with me for a day. I have this retarded ass crush on her. She's beautiful, she has the cutest fucking smile, she's smart, independent and when she says "fill" it sounds like she's saying "feel". LMAO. I had a chance, blew it, and now I'm going for redemption. She might be a little out of my league but really, fuck it, what the hell do I have to lose?

The other girl. I'm just chillin. I know how I think she feels even if she doesn't admit it. If she wants to keep acting like she likes me, I'll keep assuming she likes me, plain and simple. If she keeps it up for too long I'm going to try and do stuff to her, and see when she tells me to stop, if she doesn't tell me to stop, I'm not stopping. Simple as that complicated shit ahaha. If she asks how I feel, then I'll tell her I don't know, because I really fucking don't.

The other, other girl? Seems like she's doing ok. Good.

My car is acting way the fuck up. Now it's the transmission again, reverse slam and slipping when trying to engage 2nd gear. Probably a loose input shaft nut. Dumb drivers in traffic made me do it, had to slam on the gas, made my car jerk and voila, I'm going to have to pay to get this fixed. Fuck it, I HAVE to figure something out, so I will.

My mom. Well, as fucked up as this sounds I'm halfway expecting to get a call any day now saying that she was found dead. She came out to Cali to see us, I saw her once and then she disappeared and nobody has heard from her. I'm really hoping I'm wrong, because if I'm right I seriously fear for the ramifications. And I really wish I had someone who I could talk to about this, but I don't. I either feel like they wouldn't understand, wouldn't care, or I'd be too ashamed to start crying in front of any individual friend.

I go camping tomorrow though. It's going to be 3-4 days of closing my eyes just to see how heaven feels, even though I know when I open them it's back to this bullshit again. I love waking up not knowing what the day holds, and I love being around all those kids. Maybe I can guide them and help them in their lives', and if I do that, I know I'll feel better. I miss Lil' Lady Logic, her bitchy friend who is still cool when she stops being bitchy, all the little cousins, the guys who want to be like me and Ace but still have an aura of innocence, and that CUTE ASS LITTLE GIRL WHO NEVER TALKS BUT IS CUTER THAN ANY OTHER GIRL ALIVE lol. So, that's who I'm going to be with, plus a couple I forgot or didn't even feel like I had to mention.

Now I gotta go google Input Shaft Nut and pack some clothes so I can forget I ever had to google it in the first place.

PEACE.

Bad feelings

Mild depression.

I really think my world is going to come crashing down any day now, and I'm silently ready. At least I hope I am.

If I can't even muster up enough hope to write this blog, imagine what it's like inside my mind right now...

Bad.

I have a bad feeling about my mom. I'm hoping she didn't relapse, I'm hoping she's still ok, and I'm hoping my feelings about this are wrong.

Like, really, really hoping...

Well isn't this awkward...

In Case It Doesn't Work Out

In Case I Actually Get Her

I see why Charles Hamilton kept that shit in for so long. Those two songs perfectly describe my situation. Even to the point that at the end of In Case It Doesn't Work Out he acknowledges how fucked up his thinking he is, and still ends like "But if I only had you..."

Music is the only love.

So, I need to confide all my feelings in music, and trust them never to be released. That's why I love music, you can say and explain everything down to the very last detail and yet it would still be open to interpretation. Fuck words, write lyrics. Fuck talking, sing. Fuck hitting the wall, play the keys.

I'm so in my own world right now...

My buddy, my buddy.

My most trusted adviser, lol.

I talked to her about some things and she gave me some interesting things to think about. She told me that if I'm better at playing the game, why switch up the game? Play the SAME game, and do it BETTER.

Shit's crazy because I been known I need to stop telling (most) people how I feel, but I went ahead and did it again anyways. I got Lakers' syndrome lol. If I remember what I have to do to win, NOBODY is about to stop me. If I forget what I learned before, I'm going to lose and have to learn this lesson the hard way, all over again.

By my count it is now Game 4, I'm down in the series 1-2 to this scrappy young team I should have had no problem with. My team is flush with veterans, but for whatever reason we keep getting complacent. We have to start this game right, come out guns a blazin', and with absolute lock-down defense. You know, let the other team know we're here to win and there's nothing they can do to stop us.

95.

Did I ever mention that I fucking hate that girl? Well I do. I asked her straight up if she never sees a future for us, romantically and just wants to stay friends. She said yeah.

Bear in mind she's saying this while at my house, laying in my bed, where she CHOSE to lay. And after all the shit I gave her the benefit of the doubt could have been just me constructing the chemistry between us in my own little world, Maury said not only has he seen it, but he spoke to her about it recently too. He told her how I felt about her and she kind of shrugged it off, and stays acting the same to this day.

So I say fuck it. She just fucks with my head for her own amusement and while she was the sole exception to my new mentality since it's inception, she is now in the group with the rest of these females. Sure, we're still friends but she's about to see how different it is between me having love for you and treating you like every other bitch. Congratulations, dumbass girl.

For the record though these past couple days been mad dope, although it might not seem like it lol. Just had this shit on my mind and figured I might as well speak on it while I still give even the slightest of shits. Which really, won't last long.

Cookies and Apple Juice

This shit is funny. This beast that I've become, and the situation it puts me in. Fucking hilarious.

I'm halfway considering falling back from even putting the few feelings I have on here, and leaving them strictly to music. But, we'll see.

So today? It went ok-awkward-awkward-ok-good-ok. I kissed her on the forehead, but much is left to the conversation we have. I almost cried listening to So(ul) Amazing on the way home. I talked to Gabby a lot, she says I'm her big brother now and the pressure is definitely on. She said she's down to get me a couple outfielders for my summer league team lmao. Scouting a couple players too. SAW MY BROTHERS, good shit, I love them niggas. Some nigga caught feelings because his bitch wanted me, so he did donuts to show off ahahahaha. Preparing to go camping next weekend, Lord knows I need that shit. Just Wanna Love U is now in permanent rotation for karaoke, that shit shut the whole place down. I have bowling in less than 7 hours sooooo

Gone.

Smh.

Watching Whose Line Is It Anyway, annoyed by my day. It's always that ONE fucking person that can get to you, the only ONE who can get to you who ends up getting to you.

Through all the bitches, through all the hoes, even through my relationship, SHE still has me wrapped around her fuckin finger.

Why fucking ask me a question you already know the answer to? How do I feel about you? Bitch I fucking love you, dead ass. Ok, I admit I might be on some bullshit right now but you know how I've felt about you since the day I met you and really, it's only gotten stronger over time...

And over the past month or however long it's been I kept that shit quiet because I knew this shit would happen again. So we flirted, we held each other, I told you I wanted to kiss you and you didn't say no. You told me not to play with your emotions, you sat/laid on my lap and every time I pushed you off you got right back saying that's where you felt comfortable. You changed my name in your phone to Lowkey Boo, just like your name is in mine. You have consistently given me signs that there's something between us.

Then when I ask you how you feel about me you tell me I'm a good friend. Then when you already know I'm a little upset about it, you ask me "Well what do you want me to say?" and I told you the truth, that it doesn't matter. You say it does. So I say "I've wanted you to say something else for over a year now and where has it gotten me, what has it changed? NOTHING."

No response.

I'm not even asking for much. Just acknowledge that there's something there. Because there IS something there. If there isn't than either I'm stupid as fuck or you're lying to yourself/me/both of us.

And really either way it goes I'll be good. If you ain't fuckin with me at all then I already know I have to go the way I don't want to go, but feel like I HAVE to go because it keeps me safe and ahead of the game. I can win that game, I can fuck every girl in the world and bust a nut or two every day until my body becomes incapable.

Or I can know that there's still a reason NOT to go down that road, and keep myself in check like I've been doing. Whether you know it or not you are more or less all that's keeping me from being just like my bro. No pressure though.

FUCK THIS SHIT.

Life is like...

a box set of horror movies.

You start watching them, and for a while they scare you. They make you jump, they surprise you with who the killer is and they are thoroughly enjoyable.

Then after a while, you start catching on to all the tricks. You know that when the scary music plays, they're going to try and scare you. But you also know that only half of the time it will be the killer, the other half it will be someone or something totally benign. You catch on to the misdirection, you start paying attention to subtle little hints and all that and soon enough no horror movie can scare or surprise you anymore.

Sure, every now and then they do something extremely clever and catch you off balance. You get a little shocked but you don't physically jump, it's all inside of you.

So, right now I feel like I'm in a movie theater, watching a horror movie. All these people around me keep getting tricked by the same old tricks, the tricks I saw coming a mile away. They never know who the killer is, but I can tell about 45 minutes in, assuming they don't pull some bullshit like My Bloody Valentine with the blatant, yet blatantly retarded misdirection.

These people are kind of irritating me, always so shocked when everything unfolds even though it was all right there in their face to begin with.

Then there are movies like SAW. Movies where they used the same old tricks so I thought I saw right through all their bullshit. Yet, at the end, they fucking GOT me. They suckered me in like they knew I thought I knew everything from the jump and laughed when my jaw hit the floor.

Gotta be careful and watch out for those movies.

Out.

Nada. Zip. Zilch. Zero.

I aint sayinnnnn NOTHIN!

Today I got on my on damn nerves and to even speak on why is giving it too much credit.

So, today, the Lakers SMASHED the Rockets by 40 points.

Fin.

Switch gears

I got a haircut today. Mohawk. I don't know why but last night in the shower it seemed like an incredibly good idea, so I did it. I like it, but it's still too wide IMO so I'm going to get it touched up tomorrow.

If I could have, I would have got the haircut, gotten 2 tattoos and bought this car right here today...


Affordable, leather interior, reliable, spacious.

Just not the right time.

Speaking of that, she asked how I felt about her. So I told her. That I love her. I explained the rest though, the if's, and's and but's. How there's so much right, it's just not the right time. Or even, that I don't know if this shit is mutual. If what I think is right, then it definitely is. Yet, she's the exception. Of all the people I can see right through, of all the people I look down on and can predict their every move, SHE'S the one I can't be sure of.

"I fear no strong ass bouncer at a club
but when I see your face I turn from a mountain to a shrub." - CH

I have a headache, and I have for a few days now, which must mean I have a habit to pick back up here pretty soon.

Spoken.

Talk to you.

New song on the playlist. Talk To You.

"I hate people more and more each day, but today I hate them like it's next week."

One of many quotables.

I had a talk with my buddy today. As cold hearted as I feel, she brought out my emotion after a while. She was crying and for the first time in a long time I didn't know what to do. So I just listened. She's going through a lot of the same shit I used to go through, so I understand her pain. The problem is she doesn't have many people she can really open up with and the shit has kind of been building up in her and if finally spilled out today. She was having a bad day and I could tell the very second I saw her. I should have known this all along because she's been a lot less open with me in general, and it turns out it was because she didn't want someone like me around to call her bluff, she wanted to keep the (fake)smile on her face as long as she could.

Through it all though, she remains as one of the few people I love because they are still more or less pure. I would give my life to ensure it stays that way, because Lord knows I'm not anymore.

I don't even want to disrespect this post by speaking on all the bullshit I can speak on, I'll save that for tomorrow.

Buddy, I love you kid, keep your head up because I KNOW you're going to make it. =)

The day it all happened.

Today has more or less changed my entire way of thinking.

Murphy's law:
"Anything that can go wrong, will go wrong."

This law applies to all things. All situations. All life. And most importantly, to YOU.

You being YOU, and me, lol.

We're all pawns. Until we realize we're pawns, and do something about it.

If you think someone's trying to fuck you over right now, they are. If you think someone's NOT trying to fuck you over right now, they STILL are.

People can't handle the truth. They say they can, but 99% of the time they can't. People are weak, and they view the BIG picture one scene at a time.

But, people like me, we see the whole big picture all at once. Not only that, we paint the picture. We make things look how we want them to look, because we CAN.

I see right fucking through you people. Damn near every thought that goes through your head, and every emotion you feel in your heart is clear as day to me. But to you, I'm an enigma, a ghost that you can't feel until I pass through you and even then you're just left with the chills.

So from this point on, I'll truly make this world mine, and stop being surprised when what's obviously going to happen, happens.

You feel me?

Of course you don't. Ha!

Next topic.

Last night was extra whack lol. First I went to the lanes for karaoke but as soon as I got there everybody was like oh nah we're leaving and going to casino Morongo. Then right after I was told this, I went over to say wassup to Ace and Maury then out of seemingly nowhere Maury just broke down and started crying. Come to find out one of his cousins is in the hospital right now in a coma and if he doesn't come out of it by the weekend I guess.....well, yeah. So my nigga is sitting here crying and shit and because my heart is cold as ice I struggle immensely to find the words to say to him. After a little while he shook it off though and said he wants to go to the casino with us instead of staying at home alone. Completely understood.

So on the way there me, Ace and Maury are freestyling and shit having a good time lol. We end up at Denise's house and most likely because Gabby is there, Ace immediately catches an attitude. That shit gets on my nerves more and more every time but out of respect and understanding that I don't really know where those two stand any longer, I give him the benefit of the doubt. So he gets mad like "Fuck it! Let's go to the casino and they can meet us there." so we go. I blow a few dollars wandering around by myself and see Gabby, Mindy and some other girl out the corner of my eye. I go over there chop it up for a few and meet the girl who is Gabby's "Arizona bestfriend". Now, in terms of looks this girl is RIGHT up my alley. Cute, mexican, petite, glasses lol. Sadly, I came to the conclusion relatively quickly that she's pretty much a whore who has her priorities allllll fucked up. Look at me judging people and shit.

Anyways, so we all sit around the casino bored because nobody is even spending money anymore. We plan to go to Dennys. Well Maury planned to go to his house instead and for the next hour people were driving around aimlessly trying to meet up somewhere. In the end, me, Ace, Gabby, Maury and the skeeza all end up Maury's house. They were all chillin and I bounced.

Most notable things of the night:

I fucking love Gabby. She's awesome. I wish we could spend more time together without spending more time together. It's strange that 2 weeks ago we weren't even speaking and now I kind of feel like she's the ONLY person I might be able to open up to at all with. She said she kind of feels the same way about me, that I'm the only person she's ever felt comfortable crying on the phone with. I don't know, we'll see what happens as far as that friendship goes.

When I first saw THAT ONE GIRL she ran over and gave me a hug then jumped up and I was just holding her up. When she turned her head I was about 2.8 milliseconds from kissing her on the cheek. She kept telling me to pick her up again because she hadn't done that in a long time. I denied. Yet later I told her it was because I almost kissed her that I couldn't do it, didn't want it to be awkward. She was like "Well next time, do it." I was like "Pick you up? Or kiss you on the cheek? Or both?" she just lol'ed. Fucking girl.

Gone.

Nothing ever goes as planned.

I hit up my ex again today, because shit was bugging in the back of my head. I wanted to know what I did wrong, and what he does right for her. I didn't come into it with hostility or anger or anything I just wanted understanding. Unfortunately for me, nobody ever really gets me, especially her.

So she tells me shit like oh he and I click and have been through the same shit in the past. Ok, cool, cool I can respect the fuck out of that. The shit that irked me though was she said he never pressured her, so I asked her like so I pressured you? She said yeah. And I like systematically went down a line of shit saying why I didn't feel like I pressured her. Not to prove a point, not to perpetuate an argument.......just for clarification. I don't know what about this caused her to just give up on the conversation, but that's what happened.

So I blacked and told her like nah nevermind just keep lying to yourself and forgetting what really happened so that your life can be easier. Maybe I shouldn't have done that, I don't know. I'm so fucking tired of wasting my breath though, not only do people misconstrue every word I speak they also misconstrue my intentions in the process. So, when Cameron comes in trying to find understanding and possibly better himself, he leaves having been threatened and just looking like the bad guy.

Dr. Manhattan type shit really. I could make an attempt to explain all of my actions but most people would still never understand even the most basic ideas. I don't say I'm not like any other nigga because I want to be different because Lord knows I'd give everything I've earned at this point to be JUST like them. Nah, I say I'm different because I'm way fucking different, period. So even trying to understand my actions fails miserably. I have yet to meet a person who I could relate to. The closest I've ever come is Cordell and it's only because we BOTH have never met a person we can truly relate to, even each other.

Music is the only love.

Which makes me not want to ever meet Charles Hamilton, or Blu, or Jay-Z, or Phonte because when I listen to their music I feel like these niggas truly understand this struggle and I can relate to them. Yet, if I were to meet them and how they are in person is nothing like their music? I fear I would feel alone.

And these fucking tears won't fall.

So on some Immortal Tech One Remix "If you're playing this album sometime far away from when I recorded this, remember that history isn't the way the corporate controlled media made it look like. Read between the lines and free your mind. Revolution is the birth of equality and the anti-thesis to oppression. But this is only built for real mother fuckers" type shit...

You girl, yes YOU. I will now have to force myself to stop giving a fuck. Wasting my breath was/is an understatement. I never wanted to change where you're going or slow your path there, I just wanted to know why you ever even chose that path and what I could do to make my path a little better for the next person that comes along. I'm either terrible at expressing myself or I'm not someone who can be understood in the first place. I think it's the latter, honestly. So in effect that's why I say fuck it and why I allow myself to be the bad guy, in your eyes. It's almost as if I wish I could die sometimes so that you would be damn near forced to only remember the good thoughts you have about me, even if only for the course of my funeral. People reject what they cannot understand, because they can't see the world from anywhere but their perspective. The vain of humanity if you ask me. So if you reject this because you don't understand it, I ask of you only to come back and go through it again in a year or something. Just don't give up. Read between the lines and free your mind.

=/

Hold up, wait a minute.

She has a very, very, very good fucking point.

What sucks now though is how cold my heart is. Way deep down I give a fuck, but none of my actions are reflecting that. I got a reverse-medium prepared heart lol. Cold all on the outside with just a little warmth in the middle.

I'm being very cynical. Very selfish. Very singular.

It's kind of weird though how I approach my life in ways other people rarely ever do. If I were someone else I would have blown it off. Like, "haha, you don't know what the fuck you're talking about, you're WRONG!". However, being me, I'm being very thoughtful about this. As if, maybe I'm wrong. I'm really taking it into consideration.

I've always had a knack/problem (not sure which) for being very self-conscious when other people point out a problem in me. Not self-critical, self-CONSCIOUS. Aware of myself. I know who I am and I know I'm not perfect so maybe, just maybe, I could be wrong.

Hmmmm...

Unfortunately, as I always say, time tells the story. So I'll let the clock tick, and keep myself from becoming apathetic, because there is quite a lot to be gained if I do end up being wrong.

*DJ scratch*

Ok, so, that deserved more than that and that was lowkey immature, so, here we go.

I hit her up, told her how I heard she supposedly in love, and she confirmed that. I was just like, ok, so how did you decide you finally want to open up and also decide that you don't want it to be with me...

She said because I been worrying about all these girls chasing me trying to fuck them and all other types of shit.

lol, check...

I'm wondering how in the hell she came to that conclusion to be honest. I haven't been talking to any female really. There's a couple situations where yeah I have to be honest I've made some moves to go in, but at no point did I ever go hard in the slightest. I don't really know how long it's been since we broke up, but I know it ain't been THAT long for her to be falling in love or whatever. I told her I hope that works out for her, but no hate, it probably won't. Seeing what happens next will be even more interesting as it will give perspective into certain things that happened in the past, but I'll hold out in blacking (pinking?) about that.

I just realized how poorly I explained how that situation went down. Almost pointless... moving on.

Homegirl said she gets in trouble all the time so she has no problem coming through and cooking something up. That's my kind of bitch right there. Well, one of many lol. Situation has so many fucked up possibilities if I don't play it right but I'll take it like a test, which I just so happen to always pass.

Catch up!

...

We take a break from our regular scheduled programming to bring you a message from Logic Speaks:

........

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHSHESINLOVEAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHYEAHFUCKINGRIGHTAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
AHAHAHAHAHAHAISEETHEFUTUREAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHWATCHWHATHAPPENSNEXT!AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH

.......

We now return you to our regularly scheduled program. *beep*

Blu Colla Worker

Same ish, different day.

Man this fuckin girl is killing me. I've been here before, where I was 100% sure that she had feelings for me and all it would take is for me to say the word and we could start talking again and work towards....whatever.

Just that last time I did, she was down one day and then the next was talking about how we're just friends and I need to chill. Like, I don't want to take it extra fast or extra serious, I just want to be able to hold her like I want to, and kiss her like I want to because I know SHE wants to. That's it. It's like regardless of who either of us are talking to the chemistry between us refuses to die down or stop setting off fucking explosions of sparks at completely random times.

That's what makes it so difficult to work around though. I know she's not done talking to other dudes, and I'm not done talking to other females. I don't know about her, but on some level, I want her to be the girl who was still around even while I was talking to all those other females so that maybe if me and them didn't work out, I'll finally be ready for HER.

So I want to settle in the middle ground, be able to move wherever I like without it being a problem. Move closer to her, or further from her, whichever is better for the time. Just finding the right words to explain this seem to escape me, and they aren't coming out of my mouth, so maybe they're just blowing out of my ass. =/

No homo.

I will get no sleep

I already know how tired I'm about to be tomorrow, so let me just bust this one out before I go to bed.

Gabby gives the best fucking hugs ever. It was a little bit awkward seeing her at first, but after enough time passed it was real cool again.

Then I noticed how much of an asshole I am to females. I pretty much just string them along until I know I could get them if I want them, and then I get bored. I don't even go so far as to have sex with them, take them on a date or anything. Just that once I know I've done all I need to do, I dead it.

Take for example this girl who's been with her boyfriend for over a year, loves him and all that. All it takes is a couple clever lines and a few sexy smiles from Cam and she's texting me at 3 am. I don't take pride in this, I want to at least say that. The fact of the matter is that's just how I am, I can't help it. This girl has me already knowing that I don't even have to put the effort or time in to take her down, all I need is a few minutes in an empty house.

Sad, but true. Yet, that's what turns me off of them. It's not only that everything is less fun after the chase, it's that the chase ends up being so short that it becomes a notch in my belt rather than a thought I can't get out of my head. Females need to spend the time necessary to embed themselves so deep in a niggas consciousness that he feels like he HAS to see you or else his day isn't complete.

So I won't have sex with these girls, like I easily could. They'll get that done to them by someone of a much lesser pedigree than myself. Personally, I'll just leave them high and dry wondering why I seemed so interested at first and so nonchalant thereafter.

The world around me is fucking hilarious.

The sky might fall...

I kind of sat back and looked at my situation. I realized that ever since I became single, I've made attempts to fill the void that was left open. I watched maybe 4 NBA games during the regular season, but now I'm ALL in the playoffs. I have this sudden interest in buying a motorcycle, to the point that I'm seriously considering signing up for the classes to earn a license, at least.

All of this makes me question exactly how "over" her I really am. I've avoided even the slightest chance of knowing where she is, what she's doing, who she's with and all that. It was mad addicting. The drug to which I referred. So I'm curious as to whether or not even looking into that a little would cause me to relapse, or if I'd find myself better off...

I think I've got to try just a taste again, and I'm lowkey scared lol, but I think it will be interesting.

"The sky might fall, but I'm not worried at all"

...... (10 minutes later)

I just sat here and cried a little. I smiled a couple times but I know I had a blank look on my face for the majority of the time. Yet, I felt happy. Happy that my words got through. Happy because I am more than sure I'll get to live that day I fantasize about.

Happy because I know now that I'm not avoiding the situation out of fear, but instead out of respect. I felt some of that emotion building up inside me release itself. Maybe if I say the right things I can really make a difference. That realization is comfort enough, in and of itself.

Sky Might Fall

Well would you look at that!

Mad verses. Old unfinished tracks I finally get to finish. I like this music stuff. =)

Not too much to report on follower (if even one of you exist!) but I will say I'm moving in while keeping my space. Makes mad sense right? Either way, I'm gone, I have to go please the fans.

The Sound Is God

Man, this shit is a ghost in my room for thoughts. Just the woman singing. I've never heard someone sing with that much passion. And even though I don't know what she's saying, I KNOW she means it. Which is a whole lot better than most people who speak English can lay claim to. Smh. If I didn't have to get up early I would black on that shit TONIGHT.


Some shit was on my head real tough today, and I can't remember what it was. Isn't that funny? We always think some shit's soooooo important and then look back and don't even remember what it was that was so important to begin with. I do that shit all the time.

I might rock IN LOVE, Love Line, San Pedro Cactus and Your Summer Song too. Plus a couple others. Niggas can make good beats, Exile can.

Oh and by the way I want to put this out there. Sometimes I will randomly feel someone elses pain. Just for a moment. And it's overwhelming. The other day at work a customer asked me if I had 3 cases of yogurt in the back, because that's all his wife could eat anymore. I was like "Yeah, let me check for you real quick."

Then as soon as I got in the back as I was thinking about how that might feel I kind of blacked out and felt the slow decay of getting older, of my health deteriorating, of not being able to do the most simple of things anymore and that shit HURT. Not like a physical pain, although I did kind of double over a little. It was like my soul landed on it's head. Hard to explain.

But y'all don't have to believe me.

I wish I could take everyone's pain. I'll be miserable so you can all be happy. Truly happy. Not the fake myspace picture happy. HAPPY, happy. Dead ass. On some modern day Jesus shit. BLASPHEMY!

Mega Mix

My minds racing

It's crazy because these days I have so much going on that I never have time to focus on any ONE thing.

Cordell has forgotten who the fuck I am.
My mom seems to be forgetting I'm my own, grown man.
I'm trying to find myself a girl to kick it with.
I'm trying to find out how I can help Amanda to the best of my ability.
I just realized my 'drug' is much harder to quit when I keep looking at it.
My inner circle is thinning.
My attitude is getting worse.
I wish I had more money so I could get a reliable car.
I'm trying to finish this semester strong with all A's.
I want to make music but I need a producer to really vibe with.
I'm still dealing with the idea that nobody understands me.

And a bunch more shit that is too much to list.

It's not even overwhelming or bringing me down I just end up feeling like I need more time alone. I have plenty of chances to go out but I tend to avoid them a lot more now than I used to. I guess it's all pretty much pointless.

Life has been throwing puzzles my way since conception, and while I keep getting more clever, they keep getting harder. This is all a new puzzle and I have the confidence that I can figure out where all the pieces will fall. Right now though, I'm just kind of separating the edge pieces from the pieces in the middle.

I just need to take a deep breath and remember who I am, internally, so that I don't let things overwhelm and frustrate me anymore.

My quote to live by for the past couple weeks?

"You've tried everyone else, now give yourself a chance." - Charles Hamilton

Just trying to figure out how to be just as successful at the same game as everyone else, but by playing by my own rules.

The Sound Is God (writing to, soon...)

Get off my dick.

Let me start by saying I'm verrrrry annoyed about half the songs on my playlist are only playing for 30 seconds right now, but I will assume that imeem is going to fix that soon to keep me from blackin.

Then let me say that Gabby accepted my apology and made one of her own, so I'm happy that is now behind us.

Then let me say that Amanda and I are mother fucking AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. I don't get it.

Then let me say that Cordell is acting madddddddddddd retarded right now. This nigga got mad because I went to visit his son, who I call my nephew. WOW. Then has the nerve to call me a funny nigga. LMAO. Nigga, you are way funnier than me, real talk.

I don't know, Drake is about to get some burns...

Say What's Real

This is the life.

I reached out to Gabby today. I don't even know why I decided to do it really, I didn't spend all day planning it, and I haven't spent any time recently with it even on my mind. I guess I felt like I needed to close out whatever negativity might still exist around the whole situation. Like, if she doesn't want to fuck with me that's fine but I wanted to say my piece and let it be what it will. So, we'll see what happens...

I'm feeling really universal right now. I'm at peace. I'm just here, but I'm content just being here. This world can put me in so many moods but this is my favorite to be in. I feel like listening to Below The Heavens, smoking something and falling into the sky. I want to win the lottery so I can feel like this more often. Not having to worry about 'out there' so much with work or school, just living the way I feel like living at the time I feel like living it. Spend an afternoon being a space tourist and spend the rest of the day trying to beat Shadow of the Colossus as beautifully as possible.

*le sigh*

I should take my ass to bed now, lol.

The World Is... (floating up there)

Epiphany

I'll say this real quick and get on to the rest of the blog....

It's like we split a mirror.

Moving on, so I'm in the backseat coming back from the comedy show in L.A. listening to Drake. I'm thinking about underground rap and mainstream rap, and how they compare to each other. Mainstream artists who get extremely popular extremely quickly usually disappear just as quickly. Then, underground artists stick around for what seems like forever (if you were a huge Canibus fan back then, you still are now) but they never get to the point where they can truly cross over into a majority. Underground artists have a very loyal fanbase and that's about it.

So I'm thinking about what kind of artist I want to be and I don't really want to be either. I will not be happy as a flash in the pan, and I won't be happy isolated. I have this story to tell and I want the whole world to hear it, but if I do it to quickly or slowly, I fall into either one of those categories. So I started thinking about artists that really transcend those boundaries and thought about Jay-Z. He is so popular in the mainstream and has songs everybody knows. Then in the mainstream, he's still respected as AT LEAST top 10 emcees of all time across the board. I realized that's kind of how I want to be.

Now, whether it be with my music or my life, to really achieve that I have to find a balance. I have to show qualities that will make people like me, or to attract them, and once I've achieved that I have to give them the REST of me to make them love me. A lot of people might judge me too quickly and get me all wrong but I think I can et past that. Jay-Z had that same problem, because while he was putting out singles that were seemingly shallow, he let the people who bought the album hear the true him...

"For those that think Hov' fingers bling bling'n
Either haven't heard the album or they don't know english
They only know what the single is, and singled that out
to be the meaning of what he is about
And bein I'm about my business, not minglin much
runnin my mouth, that shit kept lingerin
But no dummy, that's the shit I'm sprinklin
The album width to keep the registers ringin"


And in true Hov fashion, he spit that on a club track. lmao.

So I have to figure out how I'm going to keep lots of people coming to me, and at the same time keep the people I really need around.....around.

So, I guess in that sense I'll be changing. But I won't be changing who I am, I'll just be changing what I seem like to allow myself more opportunities.

Lost Ones

Wings don't make you fly.

Shallow ass people. Simple minded ass people. Sad, sad people.

I got one question though..... where the hell did all these females who want to talk to me come from? lol. Shit's mad cool cuz there are even a couple who I KNOW I wouldn't have to worry about doing janky shit. I'm not even getting my hopes up though and I'm not rushing shit, my mind still isn't ready.

I put 5 songs by Drake on my mp3 player today. I've been meaning to speak on dude for a while now so it might as well be now. He's GOOD, sometimes even really good, but people need to hop off his nuts thinking he's great and shit. Everywhere I go someone is gassing this nigga like he's not still a developing artist. Being an artist and a rapper myself I can tell you right now he still has madddd kinks to work out and HE knows it too. So, chill, give the nigga some space and let him really find out where he wants to take this.

That brings to mind something I know about myself as an artist. I can rhyme my ass off, but I use the same rhyme schemes too often. I can also write very well, but essentially my creativity is lacking. Listening to other artists make songs around topics, I notice that they take their music to places that I rarely take it. That is to say, I'm a typical mixtape rapper right now and I want to be able to make creative albums. I'm going to work on it though, promise.

My grandpa is gone for about a week starting tomorrow, and I'm looking forward to having some people over. Jacuzzi won't be running but I'm sure I can get it poppin with some Domino's pizza and 2 liters of soda with a movie lol. I just want to chill.

I remember...

How I felt that day...

Every now and then...

I wonder if you are finnnnne, every now and thennnnnn...

So I'm at Mindy's house right now, mad bored but about to eat lol. I got off the phone recently, and although I can't put her business out there, I'll just say that she's oddly/terribly/frighteningly/consequently in the same position as someone in my very recent history.

Then Amanda's old not-knowing-what-the-fuck-she-wants ass is on the phone with Mindy and damn, it's like everytime she seems to be getting better, she actually isn't. I guess at the very least I can be happy that she's not being a whore, just very very very iffy. And a funny ass revelation has just been revealed! lol...

I don't know, my world is funny, I'll just continue to rape it for every nickle and damn I can. Gone.

My physical's a shell

"Some say 'Hov, how'd you get so fly?'
I say 'From not being afraid to fall out the sky!'"
- Jay-Z

Ummmmm, I'll just leave it at that for today and let y'all hear the song.

Beach Chair

This whole 'life' shit?

Crazy. Fucking insane.

I'm looking all around me and I'm seeing things. God, am I finally turning into my twin? I was on the freeway coming home right now, and I promise you I almost left this universe, lmao.

Now though, I'm happy. I think she's happy, that's why. I don't think this happiness of hers will last too long though, it's becoming more and more obvious she still isn't really sure of her......direction. Shit's crazy because when I was in the car talking to her in that other realm, she did her fucking best to make me believe she really just didn't give a fuck anymore. Yet, if the little birds that keep landing on my shoulder are telling the truth, she DOES care. lol. I don't know, I'm kind of looking forward to this self-conceived time a few months from now where I'll hit her up just to check how she's been and she'll be happy. I lowkey fantasize about that day...

I saw Steph at the bowling alley tonight. Mad random lol. It was funny cuz like I walked in and Ace and Maury were planning on going to talk to her and the girls she was with but they hadn't done it yet, so I walked over like "Man I ain't scared, watch this." went over and grabbed Steph and gave her a hug lol. She was all extra embarrassed that she was kinda drunk and kept telling me to go away because she didn't want me to see her like that. (I was personally trippin off how she still valued my opinion so much.) Then, as she drank more, she started asking why I just left her like that and how she never expected that from me. All I could tell her was that it was a fucked up situation and I thought that was the best idea.

Kind of made me realize how strange I am to people. To them it seems like I can be the person closest to them one day and be gone and have completely forgotten about them the next. I never forget about people though, I ALWAYS check up on people whether they know about it or not (on some lowkey stalker shit, I can't front) but I do it out of love. I get attached to people quickly and it takes me a long time to let go of them but I never completely cut them out. To this day I still check on people like Laura, Chris and Selma just because I want to know that they're doing well. And really, when I exit-stage-left on people, it's just because I feel like I can't do anything to make anything better until they really figure out THEIR direction. So far it's worked pretty well, and anyone who ever really realized that I might just be worth their time has found their way back into my heart. I expect that tradition to continue fuh-eva. lol

But really I need to go to sleep now, Lakers play the Jazz at noon. Dueces.

Summer-y summary

It's getting hot out here, but not nearly as hot as it's GOING to get to be fair. It's 90 out right now, but I'm sure we'll have an average of about 100 during the summer. Fucking southern California deserts...

I kicked it with my cousin for the beginning of the day today, we did lots of riding on the freeway with the windows down and the music bumpin. I swear I love my cousin so much lol. When we're chillin together I don't give an aviated fuck about anything else. She's the one person I can actually let be real close to me now.

Speaking on that, I am now noticing an involuntary shift in my persona. I'm not exactly shunning people or being an asshole but I'm starting to get cold. Ironically it's because I'm not like them and their flaws are starting to irritate me more. But still, I chill.

Then I told Amanda what I was thinking about her the other night. I have so much love for that girl it's ridiculous. I not only see what shes going through but I can relate and truly understand. Everyone else can show her empathy while I can show her sympathy. I wish she opened up to me more though, but I don't think she sees what I see between us, for now at least. Then again, trying to explain what I see between us is incredibly difficult as the lines are so totally blurred it's hard to tell where they even might-maybe-possibly begin....... that's for another day though.

For now I'm going to get ready for work and see what kind of trouble I can get into tonight lol.

Gold Watch

I guess I got my swagger back

Momma done said I killed the man, well I guess I got the dagger back!

I am cold chillin right now, about to go get some gas and give my bitch a much needed bath. After that I have the whole day to myself. =) I might just go see my nephew again and give that nigga some diet tips because as soon as I started losing weight he GAINED it. lol, Lil' Dell is fat as fuck right now but it's cool cuz that just means he won't be fat when he gets older.

The only whack shit in my life right now is I have decided to be responsible with my money and rather than spend it on getting a new CD player for my car, which I really fucking want, I'm going to save up my little $200 and pay off my book loans from this semester. I thought I had it paid for but, hey, curveballs happen. After that it should be time for me to save up enough money for a new car.

Passat? Azera? Charger? Accord? Fusion? 500? Galant?

I have NO idea lmao. The good part is that pretty much no matter what I get I'll be happy. I think maybe even after this car I'll get myself a bike, but, we'll see.

Grandpa is going to be gone from the 20th through the 26th, and I told my uncle we just need to get the jacuzzi up and running so I can have some females over lol. I want to have a dimepiece over at the crib in the jacuzzi with me sippin on something while I _____ _ _____. So, hopefully we can make that happen. Anyways, it is now almost 12:30 and I woke up an hour ago so it's time to get my day started...

All I Need (Jay-Z)

The mini-depression

I've never been able to hold a negative emotion for a long time once I've been able to define it. The past week or so was filled with confusion and uncertainty and that's why I was having such a hard time finding pleasure in this all or even just finding out what the fuck I was going to do. Now though, I honestly have to say I think I'm good now.

My cousin came over and even though I THOUGHT I was good before she got here as soon as I started talking about how alone I felt and how I thought that I would never be able to be me and still make it in this world, I started bawling like a little bitch lol. My cousin didn't say shit, she just let me talk and that was exactly what I needed. It allowed me to comfort myself mentally, a la Dancing In The Rain. Then when I was done she just held me and told me everything I already knew and I felt bad for even crying at all. She said she was mad at me because I'm supposed to be the rock, and she knows I'm stronger than this. Like, I always knew exactly what I wanted and I let myself get sidetracked. I won't say it was some minor shit, because it really wasn't, but regardless I've never let shit knock me off-course and I can't let that start now........word.

*sigh*

lol, I'm really hoping that I'm done. I want to make this music, and I want it to be positive. I want to live my life, and I want it to be positive. I want my memory to live on, and I want it to be positive.

Enemies and obstacles are just a figment of my imagination and it's up to me not to let them catch me by surprise and get too powerful. It's all a bad dream, all I have to do is remember to open my eyes...

WHY THE FUCK IS THERE A PENGUIN EATING A LEMON ON MY BED!?!?!?!?!

lol, because shit like that isn't be stressed, it doesn't really matter. =)

Dancing In The Rain (again!)

Wasting My Breath

I'm so out of place. I was born at the wrong time, or the wrong place, or maybe both. I've never cried like this before. Like, my whole fucking body feels like it's dying and my consciousness is fading. All because this was the girl I was so sure I could make it work with. People are such fragile beings. They get hurt enough and they will mentally disallow themselves to be hurt again. I CAN'T be human. Like, is there not a point at which I will become bitter, jaded and untrusting? Or will I continue to allow everything around me crumble while I tell myself everything will get better, forever?

And I know people laugh at me. I know people take advantage of me. I know they will fuck me over if they ever get the chance. Still, I absolutely refuse to change who I am. I am stupid as fuck and I am insane. "Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results." - Albert Einstein

So why the fuck does she still admire me? Why do she tell me it's a shame I came just a little too late? Why can't she let go of all the bullshit she's clung to for just ONE more shot? If anyone, ever, it should be me. You live in the matrix babe. It sucks here on the outside, especially all alone. Even if you were to come with me I know it would still be terrible. Yet I know that if we both give it our all, we can change that. But it has to be US, I can't do it alone. I'm begging you. I'm begging you with everything I have because I know that if I do have to do this alone I will fail.

But maybe I'm just wasting my breath....

Suicidal Thoughts

Ain't nobody fuckin with my latte

"My brother, love him to death,
but with that love comes struggle and stress,
I want to snuff him and stretch his fuckin neck
every time he disrespects me. But to maintain the friendship,
I keep a buttoned lip,
is this some sick shit?
Am I passive?
Should I ask him why?
Why ask him..."
-CH

Not too much more to say tonight.

Nope, not done.

She thinks I'm making shit up. I'm starting to think I'm making shit up. I remember when there was the whole fuckery with Gabby, Ace and Mindy. Although I knew I was telling the truth when everyone kept saying I was lying, I started thinking maybe I WAS lying, that I had finally gone insane. That's the same feeling I have now.

I feel like Dr. Manhattan actually. I want to go to Mars because I just don't fit in here, and I never will. Maybe the whole world will be better off just thinking I'm a lying sack of shit. Maybe it's better to live without closure so that people can come to their own conclusions. Maybe doing that will show who really understood you in the first place.

I'm not sure how much longer I can play along. Yet, I'm also not sure how much longer I'll be under the impression I'm playing along at all.

Scariest shit happened to me today. I realized that one day I'm going to die and none of this shit will bug me anymore, and that thought pleased me. Thank God nobody reads this blog, if they did I'd smooth get sent to a 'facility' in the morning.

Hidden Bonus Track

Can It Be?

I slept better last night than I have in a week. Either I'm finally really over it or I've gotten myself so exhausted worrying about it that I HAD to sleep lmao.

So yeah, shit got just a little deeper with the ex. That girl needs Jesus, fuck it...

that girl needs Oprah!

I could only listen to so much truth from my friends and my idols before I'd be dumb for holding onto anger for the situation. "What could you do to me? It's not new to me!/ Sue me, FUCK YOU, what's a couple dollars to me?" especially. I was mad as FUCK though for about 10 minutes after I found out she was sending Dell pictures, I have to admit. I'm surprised with all the shit I punched I didn't break my hand lmao.

I got kind of mad at Dell for not taking himself out of the situation and allowing shit to even reach that point. He was pretty calm about it though and told me it's not his fault she sent him pictures, which is true. He DID tell me he was still going to have her over at his house for spring break though which as much as I trust him not to do anything with her, is still wrong to me because he would BLACK if I did something like that to him but that's something we still need to talk about.

And yet, I'm trying to think whether or not I would even be mad if he DID have sex with her. The immediate reaction, at least now, is no. I don't think there's too much more she can do to prove herself to be grimey, so I can't even be mad at her if she just further proves that point. At the same time though, I think it would be kind of foul for Dell to do that because he knows how I felt about her. We can sit here and say "Oh well we had something going before you were around." all day but your horny little teenage selves can't hold a flame to the feelings I had. So I guess we'll have to see what happens.

I didn't even feel like writing this blog because it's pretty fucking pointless, but I thought I might just need it for archival purposes in the future so I might as well. I hope my psychic powers aren't as good as they've already proven to be. =/

Anythang

I don't belong here.

I don't think anyone around me, in my age group at the VERY least, spends nearly as much time in philosophical thought as me. I utilize so much energy deciphering all the nuances around me that go unnoticed, and building them into a larger picture. I have an amazing power that' I'm willing to speak about now. Sometimes, admittedly more when high than when sober, I can separate my mind from my body. Sounds like bullshit I know. You don't have to believe me, but I can step outside and view the world around me from someone elses' perspective. I see me as the guy who doesn't fit in with my friends, I see some of my friends as fakers, and some of them as liars. Maybe I'm just a little insane...

Make my bro an exception. I think he's just like me because we're completely opposite for the most part. There is a very good possibility that he's realized the meaninglessness of the "reality" around him to the point that he rapes it as he feels and goes against the normal rules of the world. However, he slipped up somewhere and while the rules need not apply to him, they must apply to others around him FOR him. Don't lose me yet.

This all being said, I wish I could take a weeks vacation with no phone or contact with the outside world. And yet, I want the world to be on pause while I go away, so that everything's the same when I come back. Trippy shit is it really doesn't matter what happens when I'm gone because upon my arrival the world will still be the same. My whole family and group of friends could die, Obama could get assassinated, China could go to war with the United States and the sun will STILL fucking rise in the morning and set in the evening. I digress...

On the first day I would simply lay in the sun and relax my mind and body and adjust to my home for the week.

On the second day, because I'm on an island in the middle of somewhere, I would go swimming all day and see how deep I could dive, and how long I could hold my breath. I have a feeling it would be longer than usual, because there's no rush to be doing anything else...

On the third day I would explore the island, find how much different parts of it can be, geographically speaking. Then I would hike to the top of the active volcano on the island, and spark one...

On the fourth day I would track the sun, moon and the stars. I would discard all conventional astrology and find and subsequently name stars and constellations of my own. Probably after songs and albums, respectively.

On the fifth day I would swim with the fish and the dolphins. I would race a sea turtle. Then around midday I would watch birds. That's it, lol.

On the sixth day I would ride a lion. And play fetch with a cheetah. Then I would think about the women in my life, and how I gave them a part of me in vain...

On the seventh day I would light one and spend the rest of the day with my eyes closed, but awake, in an attempt to separate dreams from reality.

I have to do this whole life thing for now though. One day...

Dancing In The Rain

The beginning of "Up All Night"

So, she text me today like "So you think I cheated on you? WRONG. Your info is always wrong just like with the whole Floyd thing! blah blah blahhhhhhh" So I told her if what I was told is false she really needs to check her friends cuz it's crazy who starts talking when money's on the table lmao.

Anyways it's still SOOOOOO foul how she did me. Like not even that she did it, but that she did it to ME. Not to put myself on a pedestal but I'm honestly one of the last of my kind, a real kind nice gentleman who treats females like queens. And I gave her my all in the face of adversity in the form of lies and still she simply took advantage of it. So sad. People can get so hurt so early in their lives and let it continue to cast a shadow over their lives even with the horizon on the verge of arrival.

I can't front though, I would like to believe that she didn't cheat on me, that would be way easier to deal with. Instead I'm sitting here, drunk, and she's all that's in my mind. Even to the point I wish I could go back and catch her before her heart turned into a cold, sick stone and make sure the warmth in it never faded. I know life goes on but even the most righteous of humans can't help but wonder how much different things could be...

I need to shut up now, and listen to Below The Heavens tomorrow.

Peaccccce.

All Because She's Gone

=/

Winners and Losers

I'm a loser, but I'll never lose.

So, today I found out my ex was cheating on me the whole time. Not even on some she had another nigga on the side that she had feelings for shit. I mean like full blown fucking MAD other dudes and having them around me and shit type griminess. Which is kind of the worst way, but then again not really.

Let me start by saying I give her props for how smart, clever and sneaky she was about it. She had totally convinced me that the dudes she was talking to were just friends, that she just didn't like people going through her phone because she didn't like people in her business and that she would never cheat on me because she respected me far too much to ever do something like that. Or, well, she convinced me for about half a second.

Let me continue by saying that unfortunately for her, I'm still smarter than she ever will be. See, I had the feeling that the shit was going on the whole time and while it is true I brushed off most of the ideas in a true and honest attempt to trust her, I still saw all the signs and took note of all of them. I loved her, and I guess in some sense I still have love FOR her, that sense being that I feel sorry for her. Maybe what I found out is all part of some bigger shit that I don't even know about. I don't really care. Apparently somehow by me finding out and telling her she won a bet lmao.

Which brings to mind something she'll never understand: true strength. It's some real corny shit to say, but she's lost as fuck and needed to think she had power over something/someone (me) so she did whatever the fuck she felt like and marveled and how she still had me, or at least THOUGHT she had me, wrapped around her finger.

However, true strength doesn't come from overpowering others, it comes from being true to what you know deep down is right. That's what I've been doing since the first day I've been hurt, I've never changed how I acted out of spite or held a grudge against someone. I just kept doing me and stayed on the path I know I want to follow. I may be extremely kind, and some people might even say that it's to a fault and that people will ALWAYS take advantage of me. Yet, I'm a firm believer that good things happen to good people, but that good people aren't made; they're tested and raised. So, I really just see this as yet another test on my journey. I could almost be done, or I could be far from done. I may falter at points but I'll never sacrifice who I am in a moment of weakness.

So, yeah. I already know she'll see how wrong she was for doing it one day, or she'll live the rest of her life in faux-happiness. Either way, as my godfather Jay says it...... I will NOT lose.

Walking Away

AND

The Rain by Oran "Juice" Jones

The outro is classic! AHAHA

This Is Not A Love Post

I love rebuilding broken bridges though. Never burned, just broken. Squashed my problems with Amanda and Mindy although Mindy and I still need to sit down and really talk about it before we can go too much further. Makes me think one day I can sit down with G____ too but I doubt that will be any time soon.

Six Flags on the 24th! lol I'm dumb excited because I get to plan this trip meaning it will actually happen and it will happen the RIGHT way lmao.

Anyways not too much to get deep about here so I'll slide on out of here and get right back when I think I'm going crazy again. =)

This Is Not A Love Song

Eye Dee Sea

At least that's but I've been saying...

And yet still, I get this involuntary chill throughout my body every time I let my mind wander for too long. A scatter shot brain. That's what the fuck I have.

Allure

Happy April nigga

I think Mr. Ho has my mind buggin on some real shit. Before we had the discussion about 'reality', I only saw things from the outside when I was high as fuck. Now I'll just be chillin and start seeing things from afar. It's kind of scary really. I keep thinking about the whole big ass universe would be about the size of a quarter shit, and realizing that a quarter is small as fuck compared to me.....never mind the whole world. (If you ain't a follower that went right over your head.)

I went to a comedy show last night and saw Na'im Lynn again, dude is funny as fuck, check him out. It was in L.A. and damn did I ever feel out of place lmao. I walked up in there in my 501's, Jay's, an all red Karl Kani shirt and a fitted Angels cap and saw everyone else was wearing button-ups and scarfs and shit ahahahah a nigga had to take his fitted off to feel less niggerish, dead ass.

(insert interesting thoughts that I'm too scared to put out for fear of counseling)

See, counseling is funny. It basically keeps you in a box. I always wondered what would happen if say, for some reason, I woke up on a different planet one day. If I spent the day there and saw things nobody would believe. Then the next day I'm back on earth. I would never be able to tell anyone these things because they'd throw my black ass in Patton lol. Yet, these things being (presumably) real, me not saying anything stops the flow of knowledge. I don't know I'm black in right now so moving on....

How is life so meaningful yet ultimately futile?

The Beginning

Eye dee kay

I've got to ride this out. The hard part.

The part I knew I was getting myself into. The part where she walks away without me.

I can't be all in her ear during this part.

That's why I told her we can't be friends.

I want her to walk away.
I want her to get lost.
I want her to be afraid.

Then I want her to remember I'm still here.
And I want her to come back.

"Think we need some time away. They say if you love it, you should let it out if it's cage, and fuck it, if it comes back you know it's there to stay."

I'm about to go into meditation mode.

I & Me.

Kick in the ass

I'm kinda going through it, mentally, right now.

My girl left me, almost all of my best friends are relocating to AZ and I'm scared about what's going to happen to my cousin next week.

Needless to say, for the 2 and a half hours I was at the bowling alley last night I felt pretty alone in this world. Then again, I've always been alone to a certain extent...

Anyways, I decided that there was a lot inside of me that needed to come out. So what did I do? Bust out the old notebook of course lol. To be fair I wrote last night too but all in all I've written a decent amount of lyrics for a 24 hour span. I think I have a good candidate for the opening track of my possible (impossible?) mixtape this summer/fall. I really want to get it done, so hopefully this creative juice keeps flowing. That's all I can really say without gassing myself and/or you up so I'll leave it at that and call it a night.

I know I'll smile again one day...

Why not make it today?

Ok, so without beating around the bush, my girlfriend broke up with me today.

She said she's not happy, which ends up making me not happy. She said she rushed into this relationship. She said she's not ready to love again and she won't be ready for a while. She said that all of this is unfair to me, so it's best we just separate.

I told her ok, and she knows where I'll be.

That shit was so not me, but so me. I thought that I needed Logic to deal with pain, to talk myself through it and tell myself everything will be ok. Then I had an epiphany...

My strength does not come from my brain, it comes from my mother fucking heart!

I realized how much I went through in my life, all the pain and the suffering that had other people telling me they would have killed themselves if they were in my position. And yet, at the age of 20 I'm still an amazingly caring, selfless and optimistic person. I KNOW what I want from this girl and I did my best to get it. I failed? Whatever. I'm going to stand tall, be the person that I've always been and I know when it's all said and done I will have NO regrets.

For the hour or so that I started feeling sorry for myself I texted my buddy and told her what happened. She gave me the usual schpeel about how I'll get over her and how it's her loss etc etc. That's when I realized it's all the same shit I would be telling someone in my position. I don't have the need to sit here feeling sorry for myself, I did NOTHING wrong. The whole time I've been telling myself as well as others that as long as you try your hardest you have nothing more to give.

Shay, you've got a permanent place in my heart, you know that. If you need your time to do you, take it. You'll either find someone who you think is better than me and you'll be happy with him, or you'll realize that nobody can love you like I can and you'll be happy with me. Either way, I promise to you, I'm going to be happy.

Now, don't think you can black out fuck with mad niggas and I'll just take you back as soon as you're done getting some shit out of your system. I'm a very understanding and loving person, especially for you, but I'm not a dumbass. ;)

Anyways, I don't even feel like writing this blog anymore cuz I don't feel the need to sit here and explain that I'm just going to continue living life as me, Cameron. =)