Oh so lonely

It's a Saturday night, I don't feel like driving to Arizona, Upland, OR L.A., so I'm stuck at home for the night.

I wish I had the drive to do my homework tonight, but I doubt it's going to happen. I wish I had the drive to write, but no beats are going to speak to me tonight, I can already tell.

I had my first day of league bowling today, and although my team beat our opponent in all 3 games, it doesn't feel as good as I wish it did, because we were bowling against like, 15 year-olds. LMAO. It's whatever though, I'm already learning some new tricks, and I'm not in it for the competition.

Well, it's 11:42 PM January 31st, looks like my New Years resolution failed. The plus side to the whole situation is that I'm pretty sure this will be the only month I won't reach my goal lol.

Going to see the Ho tomorrow morning/afternoon, because it's been a minute.

I'm out.

When the money goes...

"All they see is paper, not potential
They don't have a nigga's back when he's in limbo
And I ain't askin you to do it like B.I.G. with me
I don't want you to die for me, baby, live with me."
- Jay-Z

Blown out of proportion

Damn, this girl is getting in my head...

The strange thing about this all is that now that I'm actually starting to think there might be a relationship to come out of this, and my perspective has changed. I've got all kinds of songs on my mp3 player that at the very least MENTION some dude taking some girl from her man.

So, now, I'm trying to imagine what it would feel like to be letting my girl out knowing that all types of dudes will be trying to get at her. The crazy shit is that almost everyone in a relationship thinks that their partner doesn't cheat on them, because if they really did think that there probably wouldn't be a relationship anymore....

But so many people STILL cheat!

So, I'm basically scared of being the simp ass nigga who lets his girl go out and have fun thinking she's at the club with her friends when in reality she's fuckin some other dude allllll the time. That's the crazy shit about trust, it's out of your hands.

I remember my neighbor came home one day and found his wife cheating on him. This guy was at least like 45, and this shit had me buggin. Like, he's probably been with her for years and years and been thinking he had a wonderful marriage and that she would NEVER do some shit like that to him. Then one day he gets off early to find some shit like that! So for the next few days he can't sleep, knowing that if he caught her once, she's probably done it many more times, and the whole time he just kept on loving her and providing everything he could for her.

That's some really messed up shit.

So, how could I have the audacity to even think that I'm one of the 3% of guys who can actually find a faithful lover? Am I really THAT special, or will I end up the butt of some dude's joke after he's done smacking my wife's ass?

Damn, overthinking sucks.

This blog entry doesn't exist

As I lay here in my drawers (TMI?) and try to write this, there's only two things I want to talk about...

1) My car
2) Her

Now, for 1, I don't even want to bring that shit up anymore. It's the most intermittent bizarre combination of electrical problems and I'm done thinking my car will be fine with each new fix. I'll just stfu about my car until it does something drastic.

For 2......well..... I'm kind of lost on where I stand here. I have this strange feeling, like this is actually going to turn into SOMETHING. Like, something that counts, something that's socially recognizable, something that will get me out of this rut. Yet at the same time, past experiences have sort of desensitized me to the point that the affection I SHOULD be feeling and showing, I don't really feel and show. But yes, I'm starting to feel something now.

Maybe I'm getting exactly what I asked for, and this is the "taking it slow" beginning that I dreamed of. Or maybe this is going to be a post I look back on and laugh at.

TIME TELLS THE STORY.

lol @ me

Damn I'm dumb sometimes...

Loose battery cables at the terminals...

I shouldn't have to spend any money...

That's what I get for half-assing the re-installation of my battery once I thought everything was fine the first time!

This back and forth shit is killing me lol.

Ok, I must admit....

It probably wasn't a damn fuse lol. I'm buggin though cuz that really seemed to do the trick, but now today my car was doing all types of crazy shit and it basically seems like I have a bad alternator. Crazy shit meaning, all of the electrical devices in my car turning on and off while driving to work yada yada yada. I will be broke, but it's my own damn fault. All I had to do was save a couple dollars every couple of weeks and I'd be shrugging this off but now I'm going to suffer. I hope I fucking learn my lesson this time though for real.

Anyways, we've been texting each other all day and I have to admit....... I think this might go somewhere. Not even in a "OMG I hope this goes somewhere!" kinda way, but in the corniest way possible..... it really does feel natural. I don't feel like I'm jumping through the hoops like I normally end up doing, and it's refreshing. Maybe I'm saying too much too soon, but whatever it is, that's where I'm at.

AND I'M ALSO STUCK AT HOME UNABLE TO GO GET THE JACK'S SPICY CHICKEN SANDWICH THAT I'M CRAVING!

Damn that's something a pregnant girl would do lol, I'm out.

Lady Luck, what the fuck....

You're not allowed to show up at this time, AND I was expecting you to knock on the front door, MAYBE the back door.....and then your mother effin ass comes down through the ceiling like you're Spiderwoman or some shit? Awwww, hell nah.

That shit started out mad awkward, maybe on my part. Then the conversation kept on and on, without being fake, forced or anything like that. I'm buggin' right now in my head, I don't really believe that what just really happened was real.

I'm tired. -_-

*Readers, I'm sorry. I want to put it all out there, either for you to read now or just for me to read in the future, but I can't do that to other people's business, even if it's mine too.

Problem solved

A mother effing fuse. So while everyone thought it was something major like a bad battery, bad battery cables, a bad alternator, or even a bad radiator (Reason = fail LOL)..... it was as simple as replacing a fuse that would have cost like 50 cents, had I not already had spares in my car. Dope, now let's all hope it's a permanent fix.

Anyways, the lesson learned is that ALWAYS look on the internet to help solve your problem. Had I not done that, I probably would have had to pay to get my car towed to a shop, get it diagnosed, and then get it fixed, and they probably wouldn't have even done THAT right! Instead I just needed a ride from my cousin and some soap to wash my hands when I got home. Word to your mother.

Car problem #8

I wish that was an exaggeration. My car won't start, I'm not exactly sure what the problem is and that's why I'm in a fix to deal with it. If it's mechanical, I can get it fixed at a mechanic, but if it's not mechanical, I wasted time and money getting it towed to a mechanic. Same principle applies to if it's electrical.

Plus, I'm kind of fucking broke as of right now. (Waiting for my tax refund.)

I'm not too stressed about it though, it's just another hurdle I have to deal with, and then come out stronger from. So, dear 1998 Saturn SL2 of mine.....fuck you, bitch. (I'm really hoping she doesn't read this and start fucking me over even worse lmao.)

I had an amazing day with my cousin though, and I think that's why I'm so okay with everything going on around me. Plenty of deep and involved conversations that will be blog topics in the very near future, but until then, I gotta get some sleep. I'm bowling tomorrow. =)

Random thoughts....

I have a feeling the "Random thoughts..." title will come around over and over again over the course of this blog.

Anyways...

-I'm mad that Charles Hamilton is in L.A., but it's all business so I won't be meeting him anytime soon. I want to meet dude before he blows up and stops having the time to really talk to his fans. I call him the triplet that Cordell and I lost to the east coast, lol.

-I think I'll need to stop getting on MySpace soon. I think I really do get on there more than I need to, and for no reason. Probably the same thing for Facebook too. I don't know though, we'll see what happens.

-I don't think I really like her. Like, I thought I knew I did, but now I think I was just being me again. The idea is supposed to be that when you meet THAT person, you'll know. So, if I have to chase her down to get a chance, why do it? Obama did it though lol. I don't know, I'm not going after shit for now, I'll let life come to me.

-My plan to stop flirting with the girls I work with is going well. I don't want to waste my time on those hoes anymore man, especially when none of them will never understand me. (My buddy is the exception.) So, I'll just go to work, avoid the females, and get my check. Nahmsayin?

-I was supposed to drive out to Arizona tonight, but apparently that's been canceled. Oh well, maybe I'll get to spend some time with my cousin tomorrow...

-I fucking LOVE my cousin. She's like a little sister, big sister, best friend and worst enemy all rolled in one. Less of the worst enemy though, she just kind of does retarded shit sometimes. But seriously, I think this might come out wrong, but I want my future girlfriend to have similar dynamics in our relationship that my cousin and I have. I don't feel the need to explain all that.

I'm going to go eat and watch some Daily Show and Colbert Report. Twice even.

Rambling

I think this is where you'll start noticing how emotionally volatile I am.

Okay, so, today I feel awesome. I think my dad worked his whole situation out, and I sure as hell HOPE he did...

But today I feel like there's a purpose for me here. Why is that strange?

Ok, first off, let me tell you being an atheist is NOT easy and it get's depressing as fuck sometimes. My belief system tells me that there is no God, there is no afterlife, there is no real purpose for my life, any of my loved-one's lives, the Earth, the solar system, the galaxy, the universe. It all means nothing. We're kind of just here, and then we die (basically like how you felt before you were born, except you'll never find out what happened in that time period.)

Now, sometimes I wake up and feel disconnected, like a laptop that's getting no wi-fi signal. I sit up in my bed and all of the previous paragraph goes through my mind in an instant. It's a very strange, frightening and angry emotion that I can't describe through words, EVEN as a self-proclaimed poet. It feels like nothing. It feels like finding out that everything around you is non-existent, and you can do nothing to change it. Like being eradicated in an instant, and having no emotion or record of the fact. The end of the universe won't be written in a history book.

So, the Big Bang is basically God. How did it happen? Well, it just sort of......did. Why did it happen? *shrugs* So the expanse of the universe came from nothing, for no reason, and we just so happen to be on a planet perfect for life?

Ummm, pretty much.

God/Big Bang make no sense. Unfortunately for the Big Bang, as a part of science it's supposed to make sense. God is faith, it doesn't have to.

Did you just read me getting a little closer to believing in God again? YES.

Either way man, I WISH and HOPE that after we die we all go to some school where everything is explained, and it doesn't matter if you pass or fail, because you're fucking dead anyways.

Anyways, back to the topic...

My purpose is music, teaching, and saving someone's life.

Somewhere in there I hope to fall in love too, but that shit is doubtful.

Logic Speaks =/

What the fuck.

I don't even know what fucking emotion to feel today. I wake up to my phone ringing.....

It's my dad.
His van broke down.

This is my dad who just came back from Texas with my brothers and nothing else BUT that van. The van he needs to get to work. The van he needs to take my brothers to school. The van he needs PERIOD.

And now, the van he doesn't have.

I can't do this shit forever yo. How am I even supposed to focus on school or work or anything else if in the back of my mind I'm living with the knowledge that my dad and little brothers are fucked?

I want to help, but how much can I do? At what point do I help TOO much and end up in the same position as my dad when I get his age? I don't want to just barely make it all my life, but no matter how much I try and do for myself, his problems sneak up behind me and keep me from moving forward.

Then my dad kind of gives me this half-ass, "Everything will be alright." which I didn't believe, and I come home to turn on the TV and watch Barack Obama give a speech after his inauguration. He says everything will be alright too, and that with hope we will overcome anything...

Maybe they're right, and maybe they're wrong. In times like this, hope IS all we have. It just sort of seems like the only reason to fight for it though is that anything is better than nothing.

Fuck it, I'm outro.

Mwahahahaha

Very successful night. At least seemingly so.

The only qualm I have is that SHE left early and I didn't get my chance to say what I wanted to say. I'm certain all I need is a chance, but now I apparently need a chance to express my need of a chance. And she might just be worth all the trouble...

Time tells the story though, so as the clock ticks, the pages are filled. I like the end of this chapter. =)

*shrugs*

Apparently at work I have a reputation as a player/pimp/dog/ho or some shit. I know that I'm not, but I have to admit I put myself in the situations that earned that reputation.

However, at the same time, just because I'm giving a female a hug longer than 3 seconds and tell her that she's beautiful, doesn't mean that I have, or intend to fuck with her. That's really just the kind of dude I am. Females ALL walk around feeling self-conscious for at least part of the day, I just pick up on that and try to say something to make them feel better, or better yet, smile. I don't want to fuck (although, given the chance I probably would in most cases lol) I just want to brighten up someones day.

There is one woman I work with though, who if the situation wasn't as whack as it is, I would honestly commit to. On one hand she's way older (not WAYYYYY older though), experienced, mature and responsible for me. Most girls, I think I'm too good for, but I honestly think I'm not good enough for this one, that I couldn't do as much for her as she deserves. Then, she's deeply religious and I'm an atheist. Plus, I feel like I'm so young and dumb that even if I were deeply in love with her there's a chance I could fuck up and be the reason she cries. I don't want to be that dude, not even once, EVER. I feel that way about all females though...

I don't know. I can tell she's feelin me. I can tell by the way she looks at me.

"I could be wrong, but pupils don't lie
And if they do, by God they must fry
'Fry?'
You know, like electric chair
The way you stare, yeah I'm there
You've committed a crime, and I'm the victim..."
- 3 Stacks

BUT

I gotta leave that shit alone.


Anyways, I decided I have to avoid talking to almost all the bitches I work with unless it's professional. It can't even be a passing conversation because I flirt so naturally that I'd probably flirt with my best friend's Mom right in front of him.......on accident. LOL, true story.

Logic Speaks

I'm a sucker for them

Ladies who know good music.

That is all.

Ahhh, memories

For those who didn't know up to this point, I used to smoke weed. And I mean I used to SMOKE. Right now I'm on a break, so I can focus on school and music. But, trust me, I still have appreciation for some beautiful buds. Examples:

A Gallery of Medical Marijuana

Now in my defense, I honestly think marijuana should be treated like almost everything else in life: as long as you know what you're doing, and don't let it control you, there's nothing wrong with smoking it. There are some potheads who either smoke all the time and don't have jobs or have jobs but smoke their brains out and don't go to school or otherwise miss out on their true potential. That's all bad.

If you're going to smoke weed, don't go to work high. Don't go to school high. Don't spend money better spent on bills on weed. Treat it like life's dessert that you have to get by eating life's vegetables. When I smoked I still handled all my business first and never let being/getting high alter who I really was, I find that the best way to go. Oh, and if you find quitting weed more difficult than saying "Ok, I'm not going to smoke anymore.".............you're still doing it wrong.

Logic Speaks

Hi everybody, my name's Logic

This is my blog. I guess it's like a digital journal, which is like a less gay way to say diary. I really don't care what we call it though, because I know who I am..... or at least I think I do. More on that in the next (???) posts.

I think I need this blog for a variety of reasons. First would be that I'm tired of using MySpace bulletins as my kind of blog, because everything I say eventually gets lost. Also, I think I will find it a little easier to be.....me (weird, square, loser, nerd)when I don't feel the pressure of an indefinite amount of people reading and judging.

Secondly, if I die I want people to be able to rummage through my thoughts that I don't get the chance to discuss in most everyday situations. I don't mean that on some suicidal shit, I love living, I just mean that I cannot honestly think of any one single person who understands me completely. I don't know if that's a bad thing or not, but when I'm dealing with an issue that I'm too scared to talk to anyone about, it certainly feels bad.

Thirdly, in the case that I don't die and live past 2012 (omfg grab ur bible the worlds finna end!) I think this will be verrrrrry interesting to look back on. Today is January 16th 2009, so maybe on January 16th 2019 I'll be reading this wondering why the fuck I was thinking about me reading this. That makes sense I promise you.

I'm sure there are more reasons, but hopefully they become apparent as time passes and this blog drags itself to it's last breath. Until next time, I'm out.