Real adult life.

No bueno.

As a kid you don't have to worry about things like, "Well if I get THIS insurance policy it's less per month, but if I get in an accident my deductible is high and I'll be screwed. However, I can have a lower deductible, but my monthly payments will be way bigger. Hmmmm..."

I wish I could go play handball again and be the king of handball at Walt Disney Elementary. Cuz this shit right here nigga!....this shit is whaaaack.

Whyyy the fuck not.

I have a mean ass headache. I'm tired. I'm stressed. I'm broke. I'm screwed.

Well, my grandpa is helping me out a wholllle lot by giving me a G for a down payment on this young car.

The deal is, my car is done. The transmission is fucked and is more or less just waiting to die completely. It would take at LEAST $2000 to fix, so I'm not going that route.

So, I'm getting a new car but all the ones I can afford need a warranty because they're so old, which makes them cost more. Smh. Lowkey, I just want this car to make it until February of next year without any major issues, and if the economy is back on track I'll be GOOD. I'll have a nice down payment from my tax refund and be making a lot more at work.

Not to mention now I won't be a first-time buyer when I'm REALLY trying to get a car.

The only part is getting through this tough part. If I get a car payment, and the at least $150 a month increase in my insurance, my finances will be incredibly tight. Basically to the point that my life will consist of nothing extra unless I get more than 24-26 hours a week. That's even considering I only spend $20 a week on food which is tough but not really impossible..... I guess. Plus now gas is going up so I'll probably end up spending more on that than I'm really accounting for.

Headache.

I only wrote this blog because I have to wait for my clothes to get out of the dryer anyways.

I hate that I knew some bullshit was on it's way, and unfortunately I already know how life likes to do me: combos. So, I'm bracing for it, no matter which direction it comes from. Hopefully everything I've learned up to this point will allow me to stay on my feet, even if I have to stumble for a while...

Logic Speaks

Such a beautiful color....

I can't do this blog exactly like I want to. Think about it: I spent a whole weekend with the majority of my time staring into the sky. How much I thought about doing that is near infinite so rather than reporting on all of that, I kind of have to write this blog for archival purposes.

Erin, Mariah, Kiani and two new girls, Kayla and Iman. Erin is good, she's starting to get on her grind with niggas but that's only to be expected and I trust her to make the right decisions. Mariah is WAY nicer now than she was when I first met her, and I also trust her in terms of dudes. Kayla is the good new one, she has some issues that she doesn't entirely open up about and she's incredibly self-conscious but she has a certain strength I can see and a certain spark in her that frighteningly reminds me, of me. Iman is a bad look, and she'll drag Kiani into her bullshit sooner or later. Sad, but probably true. I would love to be wrong though.

Why did I only talk about the girls? Because they are the future. Niggas will be niggas regardless, but I'm hoping I can make an impact in making sure these girls don't OD on all the bullshit going around. They seem to respect my opinion, so I'm doing ok in that sense for now at least.

But just to say it, RJ, Mharsaun, Marques, Gio, Schaffen are all doing well and are also menaces to spell check lmao.

Dell hit me up, and he apologized, yet I still think we need to speak face to face to get back on track.

My crush is over, I think.

My car is probably on it's way out the door, and unfortunately I'm not 100% that the money I make will qualify me for a loan to get a new one. Faith endures though.

Cousins car broke down, and she's probably going to be in the same position as me, or vice versa, not sure...

And honestly, I'm going to stop writing this blog, my mind is on some other shit right now and I feel like I'm confusing you/myself so.....yeah.

Turning point

How fucking cool that this gets to be the 100th blog? lol.

Ok, I won't be back until Monday or Tuesday, not sure which. That's also assuming everything goes well. I don't know these bad feelings have me madddd pessimistic these days.

I took the blog's address off my myspace, and I assume it has now become immensely more secure in who reads it. My pessimism thinks that nobody reads this and that I'm talking to myself and solving my own problems, but deep down it feels like someone is reading this blog and never says anything, they just want to make sure I'm ok. It might be God, but it might be you.

Ok so I met this girl. I've seen her around before, she works for the same company as me and out of the blue she was working with me for a day. I have this retarded ass crush on her. She's beautiful, she has the cutest fucking smile, she's smart, independent and when she says "fill" it sounds like she's saying "feel". LMAO. I had a chance, blew it, and now I'm going for redemption. She might be a little out of my league but really, fuck it, what the hell do I have to lose?

The other girl. I'm just chillin. I know how I think she feels even if she doesn't admit it. If she wants to keep acting like she likes me, I'll keep assuming she likes me, plain and simple. If she keeps it up for too long I'm going to try and do stuff to her, and see when she tells me to stop, if she doesn't tell me to stop, I'm not stopping. Simple as that complicated shit ahaha. If she asks how I feel, then I'll tell her I don't know, because I really fucking don't.

The other, other girl? Seems like she's doing ok. Good.

My car is acting way the fuck up. Now it's the transmission again, reverse slam and slipping when trying to engage 2nd gear. Probably a loose input shaft nut. Dumb drivers in traffic made me do it, had to slam on the gas, made my car jerk and voila, I'm going to have to pay to get this fixed. Fuck it, I HAVE to figure something out, so I will.

My mom. Well, as fucked up as this sounds I'm halfway expecting to get a call any day now saying that she was found dead. She came out to Cali to see us, I saw her once and then she disappeared and nobody has heard from her. I'm really hoping I'm wrong, because if I'm right I seriously fear for the ramifications. And I really wish I had someone who I could talk to about this, but I don't. I either feel like they wouldn't understand, wouldn't care, or I'd be too ashamed to start crying in front of any individual friend.

I go camping tomorrow though. It's going to be 3-4 days of closing my eyes just to see how heaven feels, even though I know when I open them it's back to this bullshit again. I love waking up not knowing what the day holds, and I love being around all those kids. Maybe I can guide them and help them in their lives', and if I do that, I know I'll feel better. I miss Lil' Lady Logic, her bitchy friend who is still cool when she stops being bitchy, all the little cousins, the guys who want to be like me and Ace but still have an aura of innocence, and that CUTE ASS LITTLE GIRL WHO NEVER TALKS BUT IS CUTER THAN ANY OTHER GIRL ALIVE lol. So, that's who I'm going to be with, plus a couple I forgot or didn't even feel like I had to mention.

Now I gotta go google Input Shaft Nut and pack some clothes so I can forget I ever had to google it in the first place.

PEACE.

Bad feelings

Mild depression.

I really think my world is going to come crashing down any day now, and I'm silently ready. At least I hope I am.

If I can't even muster up enough hope to write this blog, imagine what it's like inside my mind right now...

Bad.

I have a bad feeling about my mom. I'm hoping she didn't relapse, I'm hoping she's still ok, and I'm hoping my feelings about this are wrong.

Like, really, really hoping...

Well isn't this awkward...

In Case It Doesn't Work Out

In Case I Actually Get Her

I see why Charles Hamilton kept that shit in for so long. Those two songs perfectly describe my situation. Even to the point that at the end of In Case It Doesn't Work Out he acknowledges how fucked up his thinking he is, and still ends like "But if I only had you..."

Music is the only love.

So, I need to confide all my feelings in music, and trust them never to be released. That's why I love music, you can say and explain everything down to the very last detail and yet it would still be open to interpretation. Fuck words, write lyrics. Fuck talking, sing. Fuck hitting the wall, play the keys.

I'm so in my own world right now...

My buddy, my buddy.

My most trusted adviser, lol.

I talked to her about some things and she gave me some interesting things to think about. She told me that if I'm better at playing the game, why switch up the game? Play the SAME game, and do it BETTER.

Shit's crazy because I been known I need to stop telling (most) people how I feel, but I went ahead and did it again anyways. I got Lakers' syndrome lol. If I remember what I have to do to win, NOBODY is about to stop me. If I forget what I learned before, I'm going to lose and have to learn this lesson the hard way, all over again.

By my count it is now Game 4, I'm down in the series 1-2 to this scrappy young team I should have had no problem with. My team is flush with veterans, but for whatever reason we keep getting complacent. We have to start this game right, come out guns a blazin', and with absolute lock-down defense. You know, let the other team know we're here to win and there's nothing they can do to stop us.

95.

Did I ever mention that I fucking hate that girl? Well I do. I asked her straight up if she never sees a future for us, romantically and just wants to stay friends. She said yeah.

Bear in mind she's saying this while at my house, laying in my bed, where she CHOSE to lay. And after all the shit I gave her the benefit of the doubt could have been just me constructing the chemistry between us in my own little world, Maury said not only has he seen it, but he spoke to her about it recently too. He told her how I felt about her and she kind of shrugged it off, and stays acting the same to this day.

So I say fuck it. She just fucks with my head for her own amusement and while she was the sole exception to my new mentality since it's inception, she is now in the group with the rest of these females. Sure, we're still friends but she's about to see how different it is between me having love for you and treating you like every other bitch. Congratulations, dumbass girl.

For the record though these past couple days been mad dope, although it might not seem like it lol. Just had this shit on my mind and figured I might as well speak on it while I still give even the slightest of shits. Which really, won't last long.

Cookies and Apple Juice

This shit is funny. This beast that I've become, and the situation it puts me in. Fucking hilarious.

I'm halfway considering falling back from even putting the few feelings I have on here, and leaving them strictly to music. But, we'll see.

So today? It went ok-awkward-awkward-ok-good-ok. I kissed her on the forehead, but much is left to the conversation we have. I almost cried listening to So(ul) Amazing on the way home. I talked to Gabby a lot, she says I'm her big brother now and the pressure is definitely on. She said she's down to get me a couple outfielders for my summer league team lmao. Scouting a couple players too. SAW MY BROTHERS, good shit, I love them niggas. Some nigga caught feelings because his bitch wanted me, so he did donuts to show off ahahahaha. Preparing to go camping next weekend, Lord knows I need that shit. Just Wanna Love U is now in permanent rotation for karaoke, that shit shut the whole place down. I have bowling in less than 7 hours sooooo

Gone.

Smh.

Watching Whose Line Is It Anyway, annoyed by my day. It's always that ONE fucking person that can get to you, the only ONE who can get to you who ends up getting to you.

Through all the bitches, through all the hoes, even through my relationship, SHE still has me wrapped around her fuckin finger.

Why fucking ask me a question you already know the answer to? How do I feel about you? Bitch I fucking love you, dead ass. Ok, I admit I might be on some bullshit right now but you know how I've felt about you since the day I met you and really, it's only gotten stronger over time...

And over the past month or however long it's been I kept that shit quiet because I knew this shit would happen again. So we flirted, we held each other, I told you I wanted to kiss you and you didn't say no. You told me not to play with your emotions, you sat/laid on my lap and every time I pushed you off you got right back saying that's where you felt comfortable. You changed my name in your phone to Lowkey Boo, just like your name is in mine. You have consistently given me signs that there's something between us.

Then when I ask you how you feel about me you tell me I'm a good friend. Then when you already know I'm a little upset about it, you ask me "Well what do you want me to say?" and I told you the truth, that it doesn't matter. You say it does. So I say "I've wanted you to say something else for over a year now and where has it gotten me, what has it changed? NOTHING."

No response.

I'm not even asking for much. Just acknowledge that there's something there. Because there IS something there. If there isn't than either I'm stupid as fuck or you're lying to yourself/me/both of us.

And really either way it goes I'll be good. If you ain't fuckin with me at all then I already know I have to go the way I don't want to go, but feel like I HAVE to go because it keeps me safe and ahead of the game. I can win that game, I can fuck every girl in the world and bust a nut or two every day until my body becomes incapable.

Or I can know that there's still a reason NOT to go down that road, and keep myself in check like I've been doing. Whether you know it or not you are more or less all that's keeping me from being just like my bro. No pressure though.

FUCK THIS SHIT.

Life is like...

a box set of horror movies.

You start watching them, and for a while they scare you. They make you jump, they surprise you with who the killer is and they are thoroughly enjoyable.

Then after a while, you start catching on to all the tricks. You know that when the scary music plays, they're going to try and scare you. But you also know that only half of the time it will be the killer, the other half it will be someone or something totally benign. You catch on to the misdirection, you start paying attention to subtle little hints and all that and soon enough no horror movie can scare or surprise you anymore.

Sure, every now and then they do something extremely clever and catch you off balance. You get a little shocked but you don't physically jump, it's all inside of you.

So, right now I feel like I'm in a movie theater, watching a horror movie. All these people around me keep getting tricked by the same old tricks, the tricks I saw coming a mile away. They never know who the killer is, but I can tell about 45 minutes in, assuming they don't pull some bullshit like My Bloody Valentine with the blatant, yet blatantly retarded misdirection.

These people are kind of irritating me, always so shocked when everything unfolds even though it was all right there in their face to begin with.

Then there are movies like SAW. Movies where they used the same old tricks so I thought I saw right through all their bullshit. Yet, at the end, they fucking GOT me. They suckered me in like they knew I thought I knew everything from the jump and laughed when my jaw hit the floor.

Gotta be careful and watch out for those movies.

Out.

Nada. Zip. Zilch. Zero.

I aint sayinnnnn NOTHIN!

Today I got on my on damn nerves and to even speak on why is giving it too much credit.

So, today, the Lakers SMASHED the Rockets by 40 points.

Fin.

Switch gears

I got a haircut today. Mohawk. I don't know why but last night in the shower it seemed like an incredibly good idea, so I did it. I like it, but it's still too wide IMO so I'm going to get it touched up tomorrow.

If I could have, I would have got the haircut, gotten 2 tattoos and bought this car right here today...


Affordable, leather interior, reliable, spacious.

Just not the right time.

Speaking of that, she asked how I felt about her. So I told her. That I love her. I explained the rest though, the if's, and's and but's. How there's so much right, it's just not the right time. Or even, that I don't know if this shit is mutual. If what I think is right, then it definitely is. Yet, she's the exception. Of all the people I can see right through, of all the people I look down on and can predict their every move, SHE'S the one I can't be sure of.

"I fear no strong ass bouncer at a club
but when I see your face I turn from a mountain to a shrub." - CH

I have a headache, and I have for a few days now, which must mean I have a habit to pick back up here pretty soon.

Spoken.

Talk to you.

New song on the playlist. Talk To You.

"I hate people more and more each day, but today I hate them like it's next week."

One of many quotables.

I had a talk with my buddy today. As cold hearted as I feel, she brought out my emotion after a while. She was crying and for the first time in a long time I didn't know what to do. So I just listened. She's going through a lot of the same shit I used to go through, so I understand her pain. The problem is she doesn't have many people she can really open up with and the shit has kind of been building up in her and if finally spilled out today. She was having a bad day and I could tell the very second I saw her. I should have known this all along because she's been a lot less open with me in general, and it turns out it was because she didn't want someone like me around to call her bluff, she wanted to keep the (fake)smile on her face as long as she could.

Through it all though, she remains as one of the few people I love because they are still more or less pure. I would give my life to ensure it stays that way, because Lord knows I'm not anymore.

I don't even want to disrespect this post by speaking on all the bullshit I can speak on, I'll save that for tomorrow.

Buddy, I love you kid, keep your head up because I KNOW you're going to make it. =)

The day it all happened.

Today has more or less changed my entire way of thinking.

Murphy's law:
"Anything that can go wrong, will go wrong."

This law applies to all things. All situations. All life. And most importantly, to YOU.

You being YOU, and me, lol.

We're all pawns. Until we realize we're pawns, and do something about it.

If you think someone's trying to fuck you over right now, they are. If you think someone's NOT trying to fuck you over right now, they STILL are.

People can't handle the truth. They say they can, but 99% of the time they can't. People are weak, and they view the BIG picture one scene at a time.

But, people like me, we see the whole big picture all at once. Not only that, we paint the picture. We make things look how we want them to look, because we CAN.

I see right fucking through you people. Damn near every thought that goes through your head, and every emotion you feel in your heart is clear as day to me. But to you, I'm an enigma, a ghost that you can't feel until I pass through you and even then you're just left with the chills.

So from this point on, I'll truly make this world mine, and stop being surprised when what's obviously going to happen, happens.

You feel me?

Of course you don't. Ha!

Next topic.

Last night was extra whack lol. First I went to the lanes for karaoke but as soon as I got there everybody was like oh nah we're leaving and going to casino Morongo. Then right after I was told this, I went over to say wassup to Ace and Maury then out of seemingly nowhere Maury just broke down and started crying. Come to find out one of his cousins is in the hospital right now in a coma and if he doesn't come out of it by the weekend I guess.....well, yeah. So my nigga is sitting here crying and shit and because my heart is cold as ice I struggle immensely to find the words to say to him. After a little while he shook it off though and said he wants to go to the casino with us instead of staying at home alone. Completely understood.

So on the way there me, Ace and Maury are freestyling and shit having a good time lol. We end up at Denise's house and most likely because Gabby is there, Ace immediately catches an attitude. That shit gets on my nerves more and more every time but out of respect and understanding that I don't really know where those two stand any longer, I give him the benefit of the doubt. So he gets mad like "Fuck it! Let's go to the casino and they can meet us there." so we go. I blow a few dollars wandering around by myself and see Gabby, Mindy and some other girl out the corner of my eye. I go over there chop it up for a few and meet the girl who is Gabby's "Arizona bestfriend". Now, in terms of looks this girl is RIGHT up my alley. Cute, mexican, petite, glasses lol. Sadly, I came to the conclusion relatively quickly that she's pretty much a whore who has her priorities allllll fucked up. Look at me judging people and shit.

Anyways, so we all sit around the casino bored because nobody is even spending money anymore. We plan to go to Dennys. Well Maury planned to go to his house instead and for the next hour people were driving around aimlessly trying to meet up somewhere. In the end, me, Ace, Gabby, Maury and the skeeza all end up Maury's house. They were all chillin and I bounced.

Most notable things of the night:

I fucking love Gabby. She's awesome. I wish we could spend more time together without spending more time together. It's strange that 2 weeks ago we weren't even speaking and now I kind of feel like she's the ONLY person I might be able to open up to at all with. She said she kind of feels the same way about me, that I'm the only person she's ever felt comfortable crying on the phone with. I don't know, we'll see what happens as far as that friendship goes.

When I first saw THAT ONE GIRL she ran over and gave me a hug then jumped up and I was just holding her up. When she turned her head I was about 2.8 milliseconds from kissing her on the cheek. She kept telling me to pick her up again because she hadn't done that in a long time. I denied. Yet later I told her it was because I almost kissed her that I couldn't do it, didn't want it to be awkward. She was like "Well next time, do it." I was like "Pick you up? Or kiss you on the cheek? Or both?" she just lol'ed. Fucking girl.

Gone.

Nothing ever goes as planned.

I hit up my ex again today, because shit was bugging in the back of my head. I wanted to know what I did wrong, and what he does right for her. I didn't come into it with hostility or anger or anything I just wanted understanding. Unfortunately for me, nobody ever really gets me, especially her.

So she tells me shit like oh he and I click and have been through the same shit in the past. Ok, cool, cool I can respect the fuck out of that. The shit that irked me though was she said he never pressured her, so I asked her like so I pressured you? She said yeah. And I like systematically went down a line of shit saying why I didn't feel like I pressured her. Not to prove a point, not to perpetuate an argument.......just for clarification. I don't know what about this caused her to just give up on the conversation, but that's what happened.

So I blacked and told her like nah nevermind just keep lying to yourself and forgetting what really happened so that your life can be easier. Maybe I shouldn't have done that, I don't know. I'm so fucking tired of wasting my breath though, not only do people misconstrue every word I speak they also misconstrue my intentions in the process. So, when Cameron comes in trying to find understanding and possibly better himself, he leaves having been threatened and just looking like the bad guy.

Dr. Manhattan type shit really. I could make an attempt to explain all of my actions but most people would still never understand even the most basic ideas. I don't say I'm not like any other nigga because I want to be different because Lord knows I'd give everything I've earned at this point to be JUST like them. Nah, I say I'm different because I'm way fucking different, period. So even trying to understand my actions fails miserably. I have yet to meet a person who I could relate to. The closest I've ever come is Cordell and it's only because we BOTH have never met a person we can truly relate to, even each other.

Music is the only love.

Which makes me not want to ever meet Charles Hamilton, or Blu, or Jay-Z, or Phonte because when I listen to their music I feel like these niggas truly understand this struggle and I can relate to them. Yet, if I were to meet them and how they are in person is nothing like their music? I fear I would feel alone.

And these fucking tears won't fall.

So on some Immortal Tech One Remix "If you're playing this album sometime far away from when I recorded this, remember that history isn't the way the corporate controlled media made it look like. Read between the lines and free your mind. Revolution is the birth of equality and the anti-thesis to oppression. But this is only built for real mother fuckers" type shit...

You girl, yes YOU. I will now have to force myself to stop giving a fuck. Wasting my breath was/is an understatement. I never wanted to change where you're going or slow your path there, I just wanted to know why you ever even chose that path and what I could do to make my path a little better for the next person that comes along. I'm either terrible at expressing myself or I'm not someone who can be understood in the first place. I think it's the latter, honestly. So in effect that's why I say fuck it and why I allow myself to be the bad guy, in your eyes. It's almost as if I wish I could die sometimes so that you would be damn near forced to only remember the good thoughts you have about me, even if only for the course of my funeral. People reject what they cannot understand, because they can't see the world from anywhere but their perspective. The vain of humanity if you ask me. So if you reject this because you don't understand it, I ask of you only to come back and go through it again in a year or something. Just don't give up. Read between the lines and free your mind.

=/

Hold up, wait a minute.

She has a very, very, very good fucking point.

What sucks now though is how cold my heart is. Way deep down I give a fuck, but none of my actions are reflecting that. I got a reverse-medium prepared heart lol. Cold all on the outside with just a little warmth in the middle.

I'm being very cynical. Very selfish. Very singular.

It's kind of weird though how I approach my life in ways other people rarely ever do. If I were someone else I would have blown it off. Like, "haha, you don't know what the fuck you're talking about, you're WRONG!". However, being me, I'm being very thoughtful about this. As if, maybe I'm wrong. I'm really taking it into consideration.

I've always had a knack/problem (not sure which) for being very self-conscious when other people point out a problem in me. Not self-critical, self-CONSCIOUS. Aware of myself. I know who I am and I know I'm not perfect so maybe, just maybe, I could be wrong.

Hmmmm...

Unfortunately, as I always say, time tells the story. So I'll let the clock tick, and keep myself from becoming apathetic, because there is quite a lot to be gained if I do end up being wrong.

*DJ scratch*

Ok, so, that deserved more than that and that was lowkey immature, so, here we go.

I hit her up, told her how I heard she supposedly in love, and she confirmed that. I was just like, ok, so how did you decide you finally want to open up and also decide that you don't want it to be with me...

She said because I been worrying about all these girls chasing me trying to fuck them and all other types of shit.

lol, check...

I'm wondering how in the hell she came to that conclusion to be honest. I haven't been talking to any female really. There's a couple situations where yeah I have to be honest I've made some moves to go in, but at no point did I ever go hard in the slightest. I don't really know how long it's been since we broke up, but I know it ain't been THAT long for her to be falling in love or whatever. I told her I hope that works out for her, but no hate, it probably won't. Seeing what happens next will be even more interesting as it will give perspective into certain things that happened in the past, but I'll hold out in blacking (pinking?) about that.

I just realized how poorly I explained how that situation went down. Almost pointless... moving on.

Homegirl said she gets in trouble all the time so she has no problem coming through and cooking something up. That's my kind of bitch right there. Well, one of many lol. Situation has so many fucked up possibilities if I don't play it right but I'll take it like a test, which I just so happen to always pass.

Catch up!

...

We take a break from our regular scheduled programming to bring you a message from Logic Speaks:

........

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHSHESINLOVEAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHYEAHFUCKINGRIGHTAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
AHAHAHAHAHAHAISEETHEFUTUREAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHWATCHWHATHAPPENSNEXT!AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH

.......

We now return you to our regularly scheduled program. *beep*

Blu Colla Worker

Same ish, different day.

Man this fuckin girl is killing me. I've been here before, where I was 100% sure that she had feelings for me and all it would take is for me to say the word and we could start talking again and work towards....whatever.

Just that last time I did, she was down one day and then the next was talking about how we're just friends and I need to chill. Like, I don't want to take it extra fast or extra serious, I just want to be able to hold her like I want to, and kiss her like I want to because I know SHE wants to. That's it. It's like regardless of who either of us are talking to the chemistry between us refuses to die down or stop setting off fucking explosions of sparks at completely random times.

That's what makes it so difficult to work around though. I know she's not done talking to other dudes, and I'm not done talking to other females. I don't know about her, but on some level, I want her to be the girl who was still around even while I was talking to all those other females so that maybe if me and them didn't work out, I'll finally be ready for HER.

So I want to settle in the middle ground, be able to move wherever I like without it being a problem. Move closer to her, or further from her, whichever is better for the time. Just finding the right words to explain this seem to escape me, and they aren't coming out of my mouth, so maybe they're just blowing out of my ass. =/

No homo.

I will get no sleep

I already know how tired I'm about to be tomorrow, so let me just bust this one out before I go to bed.

Gabby gives the best fucking hugs ever. It was a little bit awkward seeing her at first, but after enough time passed it was real cool again.

Then I noticed how much of an asshole I am to females. I pretty much just string them along until I know I could get them if I want them, and then I get bored. I don't even go so far as to have sex with them, take them on a date or anything. Just that once I know I've done all I need to do, I dead it.

Take for example this girl who's been with her boyfriend for over a year, loves him and all that. All it takes is a couple clever lines and a few sexy smiles from Cam and she's texting me at 3 am. I don't take pride in this, I want to at least say that. The fact of the matter is that's just how I am, I can't help it. This girl has me already knowing that I don't even have to put the effort or time in to take her down, all I need is a few minutes in an empty house.

Sad, but true. Yet, that's what turns me off of them. It's not only that everything is less fun after the chase, it's that the chase ends up being so short that it becomes a notch in my belt rather than a thought I can't get out of my head. Females need to spend the time necessary to embed themselves so deep in a niggas consciousness that he feels like he HAS to see you or else his day isn't complete.

So I won't have sex with these girls, like I easily could. They'll get that done to them by someone of a much lesser pedigree than myself. Personally, I'll just leave them high and dry wondering why I seemed so interested at first and so nonchalant thereafter.

The world around me is fucking hilarious.

The sky might fall...

I kind of sat back and looked at my situation. I realized that ever since I became single, I've made attempts to fill the void that was left open. I watched maybe 4 NBA games during the regular season, but now I'm ALL in the playoffs. I have this sudden interest in buying a motorcycle, to the point that I'm seriously considering signing up for the classes to earn a license, at least.

All of this makes me question exactly how "over" her I really am. I've avoided even the slightest chance of knowing where she is, what she's doing, who she's with and all that. It was mad addicting. The drug to which I referred. So I'm curious as to whether or not even looking into that a little would cause me to relapse, or if I'd find myself better off...

I think I've got to try just a taste again, and I'm lowkey scared lol, but I think it will be interesting.

"The sky might fall, but I'm not worried at all"

...... (10 minutes later)

I just sat here and cried a little. I smiled a couple times but I know I had a blank look on my face for the majority of the time. Yet, I felt happy. Happy that my words got through. Happy because I am more than sure I'll get to live that day I fantasize about.

Happy because I know now that I'm not avoiding the situation out of fear, but instead out of respect. I felt some of that emotion building up inside me release itself. Maybe if I say the right things I can really make a difference. That realization is comfort enough, in and of itself.

Sky Might Fall