Gotta double check again in a couple weeks to make sure about that though...
I'm exhausted, and I'm coming to realize how fast-paced my life has been in the past month or so. Not even fast-paced in a general sense, just fast-paced for me. I'm ALWAYS doing something, even if it's just kickin it, and that's very strange for me. I haven't been getting enough sleep and it affects me more everyday. I'm loving life right now but I think I really need to revert back to the old me a little and focus more on the things I've been letting slip by or fade away.
It's like school, work and having a girlfriend are each their own part-time jobs and it's hard to truly excel at any one without the others getting less attention. This is just one of those days I wish I didn't have a cell phone and could sit at home for 6 hours watching Spongebob or ATHF until I decide that I WANT to go out. I have forgotten myself, who, in the end, is the most important person for me.
It's whatever though, I'll just take my little nap for now and get ready for another 72 hour stretch without any real free time.
Logic Speaks
2/27/09
I think it's funny...
So after the dust settled, we both came out feeling a little different about our relationship as a whole. I realized how much of a "nigga" I really have the potential to be, and so did she. The rest is self-explanatory lmao.
But like now, we're not having sex. This is the funny part cuz like, I don't really give a fuck anymore lol. When we first came to that conclusion I was buggin in my head trying to quantify exactly how long it would last because I really wanted to do it again. But now, fuck it, like it's a completely dead and irrelevant issue to me. She ALWAYS brings that shit up though like it's stuck in the back of her head and keeps bugging her.
Me: "Damn you used to kiss me all passionately but now I just get pecks and shit..."
Her: "Yeah and we USED to do a whole lot of OTHER stuff too!"
Her friend: "If I'm not gettin any now I can just find someone else to get it from shiiiit."
Her: "I know huh girrrrl, that's what I'm saying because WE sure aren't having sex anymore haha!"
Me: "Man, lol, forget you..."
Her: "BLOW ME! .......oh wait, we're not doing that anymore ahahahaha"
...
Like seriously, let it go. lmao.
Anyways, I saw one of my friends at work today, found out her name is Britney and also that she's a fucking dork which is cool. I could honestly see myself hanging out with her on a modestly regular basis, so we'll see what I can work out lol.
I realized on the way from work that I really am loving my life right now. I found the girl I was looking for and with that everything seems to be calming down and falling into place for me. I still have a lot of work to do, I know that much, but now I feel like I can really do it with a much more ummmmmm 'me' demeanor. I don't know, I just need to get some sleep now, I'll update again sooner than later.
But like now, we're not having sex. This is the funny part cuz like, I don't really give a fuck anymore lol. When we first came to that conclusion I was buggin in my head trying to quantify exactly how long it would last because I really wanted to do it again. But now, fuck it, like it's a completely dead and irrelevant issue to me. She ALWAYS brings that shit up though like it's stuck in the back of her head and keeps bugging her.
Me: "Damn you used to kiss me all passionately but now I just get pecks and shit..."
Her: "Yeah and we USED to do a whole lot of OTHER stuff too!"
Her friend: "If I'm not gettin any now I can just find someone else to get it from shiiiit."
Her: "I know huh girrrrl, that's what I'm saying because WE sure aren't having sex anymore haha!"
Me: "Man, lol, forget you..."
Her: "BLOW ME! .......oh wait, we're not doing that anymore ahahahaha"
...
Like seriously, let it go. lmao.
Anyways, I saw one of my friends at work today, found out her name is Britney and also that she's a fucking dork which is cool. I could honestly see myself hanging out with her on a modestly regular basis, so we'll see what I can work out lol.
I realized on the way from work that I really am loving my life right now. I found the girl I was looking for and with that everything seems to be calming down and falling into place for me. I still have a lot of work to do, I know that much, but now I feel like I can really do it with a much more ummmmmm 'me' demeanor. I don't know, I just need to get some sleep now, I'll update again sooner than later.
2/24/09
Communication is key.
I don't want to lose this girl.
But, what would be even worse is HAVING to lose this girl.
I'm getting in uncharted waters, but I haven't gotten so deep that I can no longer see clearly. So, when I get put into a situation where I NEED to be able to see clearly, and from multiple perspectives, I can still do that.
I apologized for what I know I did wrong. I ended up changing my plans at the last minute, even if I did let her know once the decision was made. I put it in her head that we would be spending time together and I took that away. So for that, I apologized.
I won't apologize as if I never put her first though. I've started falling out of touch with everyone I was close with before I got close to her, because I spend almost all of my free time with her. So I feel like when I give you 99%, you should NOT trip when I spend that last one percent somewhere else. To be honest, before I even met her, I didn't want a relationship like this. I wanted my time and space and I wanted to give my girlfriend her's as well. We would see each other a couple times a week, text each other to say good morning and good night and that would be it. So, even being in this position violates my ideals.
For her, maybe the sticking point was that I was leaving her to go to the strip club. Or maybe it was that she was going through some shit tonight and I was leaving her behind. Or maybe it was that I said we would be spending time together and didn't really end up doing it. Or maybe it was a combination of all three.
The sticking point for me is that I have NO fucking idea which one of those it is because she refuses to communicate with me. I admit my fucking mistakes, and even if I don't feel like I've done anything wrong I'll try to make amends so that we don't come across that kind of thing again. You fucking talk, I'll fucking listen. Maybe we won't agree by the end of the night, but at least we'll know where each other are coming from and can think about it on our own time.
Just to be dead ass serious, Logic is telling me to end the whole thing right now. The problems seen at the beginning only get worse as times goes on, and I was told this by someone much more intelligent, experienced and content than me. But, I want to work with her in trying to communicate better. Ok, communicating always been a problem for you, I understand and accept that. However, if you don't make the attempt to work with me, I'll have to do what I know is best in the end for me and walk away before it gets any worse.
You HAVE to try. You'll dislike it, maybe even hate it, maybe even loathe it. But to keep me around you HAVE to try. Maybe I should feel that I need to accept you the way you are, flaws and all, but I don't. A relationship should be an elevating experience, where I learn from you and you learn from me about how to be better people all around.
I don't want to walk away from her, but my vision's still clear enough to know that I just might have to.
Unfortunately, Logic Speaks.
But, what would be even worse is HAVING to lose this girl.
I'm getting in uncharted waters, but I haven't gotten so deep that I can no longer see clearly. So, when I get put into a situation where I NEED to be able to see clearly, and from multiple perspectives, I can still do that.
I apologized for what I know I did wrong. I ended up changing my plans at the last minute, even if I did let her know once the decision was made. I put it in her head that we would be spending time together and I took that away. So for that, I apologized.
I won't apologize as if I never put her first though. I've started falling out of touch with everyone I was close with before I got close to her, because I spend almost all of my free time with her. So I feel like when I give you 99%, you should NOT trip when I spend that last one percent somewhere else. To be honest, before I even met her, I didn't want a relationship like this. I wanted my time and space and I wanted to give my girlfriend her's as well. We would see each other a couple times a week, text each other to say good morning and good night and that would be it. So, even being in this position violates my ideals.
For her, maybe the sticking point was that I was leaving her to go to the strip club. Or maybe it was that she was going through some shit tonight and I was leaving her behind. Or maybe it was that I said we would be spending time together and didn't really end up doing it. Or maybe it was a combination of all three.
The sticking point for me is that I have NO fucking idea which one of those it is because she refuses to communicate with me. I admit my fucking mistakes, and even if I don't feel like I've done anything wrong I'll try to make amends so that we don't come across that kind of thing again. You fucking talk, I'll fucking listen. Maybe we won't agree by the end of the night, but at least we'll know where each other are coming from and can think about it on our own time.
Just to be dead ass serious, Logic is telling me to end the whole thing right now. The problems seen at the beginning only get worse as times goes on, and I was told this by someone much more intelligent, experienced and content than me. But, I want to work with her in trying to communicate better. Ok, communicating always been a problem for you, I understand and accept that. However, if you don't make the attempt to work with me, I'll have to do what I know is best in the end for me and walk away before it gets any worse.
You HAVE to try. You'll dislike it, maybe even hate it, maybe even loathe it. But to keep me around you HAVE to try. Maybe I should feel that I need to accept you the way you are, flaws and all, but I don't. A relationship should be an elevating experience, where I learn from you and you learn from me about how to be better people all around.
I don't want to walk away from her, but my vision's still clear enough to know that I just might have to.
Unfortunately, Logic Speaks.
2/23/09
This will take a while.
I shouldn't be writing this blog right now, because I have school tomorrow and I'm rather certain this blog will take a while to write. However, the original intention of this blog was for it to be a comprehensive explanation of my thoughts and feelings, so I'll divulge them now while they're still fresh in my head.
First, my girl sometimes takes the things I say the wrong way. Saying somewhat 'iffy' things to her goes over well about half of the time. Like the whole 'I don't really ever think about her but when we're together I feel the feelings' thing. She told me she felt the exact same way, and it was awesome. But other times, I say things just to be open about how I feel and she takes it in the wrong way.
For instance, I've always known she kicked it with dudes mostly and that hasn't been a problem. Not even because she hasn't really been kickin it with them, but because I don't see it as a problem. I don't see shit as a problem really. I told her I trust her and I meant it. I honestly don't think she would do me wrong, so she can wear the booty shorts, kick it with dudes, drink with her friends, or anything else and I know she's good. But, when she told me a few of her closest friends were dudes that she either used to talk to or did more with, it makes things a little awkward. Like, I trust her around them no doubt, but just the idea rubs me the wrong way.
I tried to put it into perspective for her by saying it's like if I always kicked it with Alexis. Not that I would actually do anything, but still.......WHY? I don't know man, I know who I am and I know I can get angry and jealous over bullshit so I learned from that and now I'm putting my trust in her. I can't say what she will or won't do, all I can do is have faith that I'm being the boyfriend I need to be in order for her not to ever even THINK about cheating, get it?
Other than that though, she's amazing. To this day everything we do still comes so natural for me that sometimes I have to slap myself to make sure I'm not dreaming lol. I'm starting to settle in to the boyfriend mode of living, even though I still flirt. =) I just feel so good knowing we're here for each other though, it's like an emotional version of a having a LONG ass day and coming home to lay in your bed. After all the bullshit, drama, lies, crying, frustration, anger, sadness and pain I finally feel comfortable and I finally feel safe. It's even more amazing in the sense that it's not some overwhelming, earth-shattering emotion that throws me off, because that kind of shit is how people end up realizing they were infatuated with someone rather than slowly falling in love with them. I'll take wandering around until I finally find a comfortable place to rest ANY day. =D
Secondly, Cordell, my brother, my twin, if you're reading this right now or some time WAYYYYYY in the future lol, just know I love you bro. We work like the Yin-Yang and it's crazy how we vibe. It's like each of us perfected certain parts of life until we met and then taught each other how to perfect what we missed along the way. You're so knowledgeable and yet so dumb, and I know you feel the same way about me lol. All I know is we'll continue to teach each other, learn from each other, guide and protect each other for a long, long time. I respect you like a mentor, and teach you like a student. I look up to you like a big brother, and look out for you like a little brother. I love you as a brother, and appreciate you as a friend. You're my twin, fuck whatever anybody else thinks. We still have a lot of work to do though, so let's do it, aight?
And with that, I'll go to bed filled with too many emotions to even keep track of any longer.
LOGIC SPEAKS!
First, my girl sometimes takes the things I say the wrong way. Saying somewhat 'iffy' things to her goes over well about half of the time. Like the whole 'I don't really ever think about her but when we're together I feel the feelings' thing. She told me she felt the exact same way, and it was awesome. But other times, I say things just to be open about how I feel and she takes it in the wrong way.
For instance, I've always known she kicked it with dudes mostly and that hasn't been a problem. Not even because she hasn't really been kickin it with them, but because I don't see it as a problem. I don't see shit as a problem really. I told her I trust her and I meant it. I honestly don't think she would do me wrong, so she can wear the booty shorts, kick it with dudes, drink with her friends, or anything else and I know she's good. But, when she told me a few of her closest friends were dudes that she either used to talk to or did more with, it makes things a little awkward. Like, I trust her around them no doubt, but just the idea rubs me the wrong way.
I tried to put it into perspective for her by saying it's like if I always kicked it with Alexis. Not that I would actually do anything, but still.......WHY? I don't know man, I know who I am and I know I can get angry and jealous over bullshit so I learned from that and now I'm putting my trust in her. I can't say what she will or won't do, all I can do is have faith that I'm being the boyfriend I need to be in order for her not to ever even THINK about cheating, get it?
Other than that though, she's amazing. To this day everything we do still comes so natural for me that sometimes I have to slap myself to make sure I'm not dreaming lol. I'm starting to settle in to the boyfriend mode of living, even though I still flirt. =) I just feel so good knowing we're here for each other though, it's like an emotional version of a having a LONG ass day and coming home to lay in your bed. After all the bullshit, drama, lies, crying, frustration, anger, sadness and pain I finally feel comfortable and I finally feel safe. It's even more amazing in the sense that it's not some overwhelming, earth-shattering emotion that throws me off, because that kind of shit is how people end up realizing they were infatuated with someone rather than slowly falling in love with them. I'll take wandering around until I finally find a comfortable place to rest ANY day. =D
Secondly, Cordell, my brother, my twin, if you're reading this right now or some time WAYYYYYY in the future lol, just know I love you bro. We work like the Yin-Yang and it's crazy how we vibe. It's like each of us perfected certain parts of life until we met and then taught each other how to perfect what we missed along the way. You're so knowledgeable and yet so dumb, and I know you feel the same way about me lol. All I know is we'll continue to teach each other, learn from each other, guide and protect each other for a long, long time. I respect you like a mentor, and teach you like a student. I look up to you like a big brother, and look out for you like a little brother. I love you as a brother, and appreciate you as a friend. You're my twin, fuck whatever anybody else thinks. We still have a lot of work to do though, so let's do it, aight?
And with that, I'll go to bed filled with too many emotions to even keep track of any longer.
LOGIC SPEAKS!
2/20/09
I'm gon' make you say it...
So all day today at work I was just in my own zone not worried about shit but just getting off so I could do whatever I want to do. I started to find myself concerned because I wasn't really thinking about my girlfriend. Like, any other time I've had feelings for a female at all I'm always thinking about them and hypothetical conversations and situations yada yada yada...
So I was scared I didn't actually like her.
But the thing is, I realized I don't NEED to be thinking about her all the time. Sometimes even when I'm with her we're not all over each other and fighting for each other's attention, we're just both at the same place at the same time. lol this is all sounding bad let me finish.
Yet, when it's just her and I alone I promise you there's no place in the fucking universe I'd rather be. I just watch her, listen to her, and when I look into her eyes I feel safe. Our 'alone time' is what makes it ok that she's not on my mind 24/7, because it ensures that when I AM with her, it's always special. This girl is amazing though, on some 100% real shit, she STILL continues to surprise me (I thought I would finally stump her with 'connoisseur' lmao, but she knew what it meant) on multiple levels.
I get to come home at 4 am and just be a happy person, and I love this feeling.
=)
So I was scared I didn't actually like her.
But the thing is, I realized I don't NEED to be thinking about her all the time. Sometimes even when I'm with her we're not all over each other and fighting for each other's attention, we're just both at the same place at the same time. lol this is all sounding bad let me finish.
Yet, when it's just her and I alone I promise you there's no place in the fucking universe I'd rather be. I just watch her, listen to her, and when I look into her eyes I feel safe. Our 'alone time' is what makes it ok that she's not on my mind 24/7, because it ensures that when I AM with her, it's always special. This girl is amazing though, on some 100% real shit, she STILL continues to surprise me (I thought I would finally stump her with 'connoisseur' lmao, but she knew what it meant) on multiple levels.
I get to come home at 4 am and just be a happy person, and I love this feeling.
=)
2/17/09
Good morning
I'm having trouble giving a shit about anything in the world again this morning...
Last night I got checked hard as fuck by Drama, and I continue to be grateful I have the people around me that I do. We addressed an issue that I kind of ignored on my own, but now that we've addressed it, I'll do what I have to do to make sure I'm going to be able to keep living life the way I like living life.
Moving on...
Being in a relationship is comforting as fuck, and I can already see why people keep going back into bad relationships just to be IN a relationship. I really like my girl, and I really really like being with her because she makes it so easy to just be me and show my affection to her. What I like most of all is not having to worry about any other female because I already found someone I care about, it's make my day soooo much less stressful lol.
Well, there you go, I'm out.
Last night I got checked hard as fuck by Drama, and I continue to be grateful I have the people around me that I do. We addressed an issue that I kind of ignored on my own, but now that we've addressed it, I'll do what I have to do to make sure I'm going to be able to keep living life the way I like living life.
Moving on...
Being in a relationship is comforting as fuck, and I can already see why people keep going back into bad relationships just to be IN a relationship. I really like my girl, and I really really like being with her because she makes it so easy to just be me and show my affection to her. What I like most of all is not having to worry about any other female because I already found someone I care about, it's make my day soooo much less stressful lol.
Well, there you go, I'm out.
2/15/09
You too?
So, I asked her out last night...
And she said yes. =)
I didn't think I was going to already but I spent all of yesterday realizing she was ready, and for that reason, I knew I was ready too. I know we're still feeling each other out so we're still taking our time before taking this dead ass serious but as much as I know there's no girl I'd rather be with, she knows there's no dude better for her right now than me.
That feels sooooo good to say by the way folks...
So now I'm chillin here in my room listening to some new CH before I listen to some new Drake and the some new Blu, and I do actually feel different. It's like that feeling you get knowing that you've just entered a new, interesting chapter in your life and though so much is going to be different, you're ready for it.
So I'm going to go listen to my triplet play the piano and left my life float. I'll be back!
And she said yes. =)
I didn't think I was going to already but I spent all of yesterday realizing she was ready, and for that reason, I knew I was ready too. I know we're still feeling each other out so we're still taking our time before taking this dead ass serious but as much as I know there's no girl I'd rather be with, she knows there's no dude better for her right now than me.
That feels sooooo good to say by the way folks...
So now I'm chillin here in my room listening to some new CH before I listen to some new Drake and the some new Blu, and I do actually feel different. It's like that feeling you get knowing that you've just entered a new, interesting chapter in your life and though so much is going to be different, you're ready for it.
So I'm going to go listen to my triplet play the piano and left my life float. I'll be back!
2/14/09
Neverland
I'm having a great day so far, and it just started. Last night was CRAZY dope. lol. I'll spare you the details....... But there's no better feeling than feeling like a man on THAT level.....haha.
Anyways man, I have all this stuff at my house I got her for Valentines day and she's visiting her cousin somewhere, so now she has to come get all this after I get off of work. I love Valentines day man, it's the day that I can show my love for ALL females and use the holiday as an excuse lol. Last year I bought a bunch of chocolate and gave some to all the pretty girls I worked with, I think I'll do it again this year...
My hearts getting warmer yo, I can't lie. Just looking out my window it feels so calming to just see the sun shine over the world. And, shit, I can't even see the whole world, just part of it, the part in between my window and the mountains. And yes, I'm speaking both literally and figuratively.
LOGIC SPEAKS, OUT! ahaha
Anyways man, I have all this stuff at my house I got her for Valentines day and she's visiting her cousin somewhere, so now she has to come get all this after I get off of work. I love Valentines day man, it's the day that I can show my love for ALL females and use the holiday as an excuse lol. Last year I bought a bunch of chocolate and gave some to all the pretty girls I worked with, I think I'll do it again this year...
My hearts getting warmer yo, I can't lie. Just looking out my window it feels so calming to just see the sun shine over the world. And, shit, I can't even see the whole world, just part of it, the part in between my window and the mountains. And yes, I'm speaking both literally and figuratively.
LOGIC SPEAKS, OUT! ahaha
2/11/09
(Untitled)
I don't think I can ask her out on Valentine's day, let's just get that one out the way lol.
I want to take my time, but I don't want to wait too long. So, I want to ask kind of soon, but not TOO soon. When is the perfect time? I have no fucking clue. To be fair, I guess there isn't supposed to be a 'perfect' time...
Fuck it, where's my quotes?
"Even when I don't know what the hell to do
All I know is to tell the truth: don't wanna lose you" - CH
"If we happen to part
Lord knows I don't want that!
We can't be mad at God
We met today for a reason
I think I'm on the right track now" - 3 Stacks
"I don't know if I'm reading the signs wrong
But I believe in what eyes can do if the vibes strong
Reality bites like a python
And my heart is on my sleeve that I write on" - CH
"Chances are I'm jumping the gun
I guess I'm predicting for something to come
In my world your number is one
In your world my number is none
Cuz you don't know me yet
I've been watchin, jottin notes on how I could approach
Don't stop me though" - CH
Basically, Charles Hamilton gets it, lol.
It's all good though, I play the hand I'm not about to change that now.
The optimism is still in full effect though, believe me.
I want to take my time, but I don't want to wait too long. So, I want to ask kind of soon, but not TOO soon. When is the perfect time? I have no fucking clue. To be fair, I guess there isn't supposed to be a 'perfect' time...
Fuck it, where's my quotes?
"Even when I don't know what the hell to do
All I know is to tell the truth: don't wanna lose you" - CH
"If we happen to part
Lord knows I don't want that!
We can't be mad at God
We met today for a reason
I think I'm on the right track now" - 3 Stacks
"I don't know if I'm reading the signs wrong
But I believe in what eyes can do if the vibes strong
Reality bites like a python
And my heart is on my sleeve that I write on" - CH
"Chances are I'm jumping the gun
I guess I'm predicting for something to come
In my world your number is one
In your world my number is none
Cuz you don't know me yet
I've been watchin, jottin notes on how I could approach
Don't stop me though" - CH
Basically, Charles Hamilton gets it, lol.
It's all good though, I play the hand I'm not about to change that now.
The optimism is still in full effect though, believe me.
2/10/09
Question...
Does it make me an asshole to want to wait until Valentine's Day to ask her to be my girlfriend, just because I don't want to have an anniversary and Valentine's Day so close together yet still 2 separate occasions?
If it weren't for that I would have asked her today. =)
I wonder if she's reading this right now lmao.
Goodnight.
If it weren't for that I would have asked her today. =)
I wonder if she's reading this right now lmao.
Goodnight.
2/8/09
Dead ass.
I have two big fears when it comes to relationships:
1. I will find someone who I think is perfect, and end up getting played.
OR
2. I will find someone perfect, but due to my inability to SEE she's perfect at the time, I let her go, only to realize how perfect she really was far too late.
Now, the confusing part of my life now is that either one of these two things can happen, depending on what I end up doing. Doing one thing seems naive, and doing the other seems paranoid. Doing one thing seems jaded, and doing the other seems overanxious.
I think what will come into play here is my ability to make the best out of a bad situation. Even if I were to "lose" and get played, I can still learn from it, making things clearer for the next time around. However, if I end up in the second situation, all I will be able to do is reflect on the past, unable to move forward at all.
I said she was different for a reason, and I meant it. While some signs point to half-ass reasons to leave her alone, most signs show that she is the kind of girl I know I want.
Maybe I'll win, maybe I'll lose...
Nah, losing isn't an option.
1. I will find someone who I think is perfect, and end up getting played.
OR
2. I will find someone perfect, but due to my inability to SEE she's perfect at the time, I let her go, only to realize how perfect she really was far too late.
Now, the confusing part of my life now is that either one of these two things can happen, depending on what I end up doing. Doing one thing seems naive, and doing the other seems paranoid. Doing one thing seems jaded, and doing the other seems overanxious.
I think what will come into play here is my ability to make the best out of a bad situation. Even if I were to "lose" and get played, I can still learn from it, making things clearer for the next time around. However, if I end up in the second situation, all I will be able to do is reflect on the past, unable to move forward at all.
I said she was different for a reason, and I meant it. While some signs point to half-ass reasons to leave her alone, most signs show that she is the kind of girl I know I want.
Maybe I'll win, maybe I'll lose...
Nah, losing isn't an option.
2/3/09
Wow...
I'm hesitating, but with how well this is looking, I wish I didn't have to hesitate. Red flags keep going up, none of them obvious, but still make me more cautious about approaching the situation...
I know how jealous I can get, and how it can fuck up a relationship in the blink of an eye. So that's why I'm containing myself, not so much so that I'll explode one day, but enough so that I have time to continue to convince myself it's the best thing to do.
I think that all made sense lol.
Once I can feel safe AS WELL AS comfortable, I think I'll be finding myself in what I saw as a very remotely possible situation.
I know how jealous I can get, and how it can fuck up a relationship in the blink of an eye. So that's why I'm containing myself, not so much so that I'll explode one day, but enough so that I have time to continue to convince myself it's the best thing to do.
I think that all made sense lol.
Once I can feel safe AS WELL AS comfortable, I think I'll be finding myself in what I saw as a very remotely possible situation.
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