Kick in the ass

I'm kinda going through it, mentally, right now.

My girl left me, almost all of my best friends are relocating to AZ and I'm scared about what's going to happen to my cousin next week.

Needless to say, for the 2 and a half hours I was at the bowling alley last night I felt pretty alone in this world. Then again, I've always been alone to a certain extent...

Anyways, I decided that there was a lot inside of me that needed to come out. So what did I do? Bust out the old notebook of course lol. To be fair I wrote last night too but all in all I've written a decent amount of lyrics for a 24 hour span. I think I have a good candidate for the opening track of my possible (impossible?) mixtape this summer/fall. I really want to get it done, so hopefully this creative juice keeps flowing. That's all I can really say without gassing myself and/or you up so I'll leave it at that and call it a night.

I know I'll smile again one day...

Why not make it today?

Ok, so without beating around the bush, my girlfriend broke up with me today.

She said she's not happy, which ends up making me not happy. She said she rushed into this relationship. She said she's not ready to love again and she won't be ready for a while. She said that all of this is unfair to me, so it's best we just separate.

I told her ok, and she knows where I'll be.

That shit was so not me, but so me. I thought that I needed Logic to deal with pain, to talk myself through it and tell myself everything will be ok. Then I had an epiphany...

My strength does not come from my brain, it comes from my mother fucking heart!

I realized how much I went through in my life, all the pain and the suffering that had other people telling me they would have killed themselves if they were in my position. And yet, at the age of 20 I'm still an amazingly caring, selfless and optimistic person. I KNOW what I want from this girl and I did my best to get it. I failed? Whatever. I'm going to stand tall, be the person that I've always been and I know when it's all said and done I will have NO regrets.

For the hour or so that I started feeling sorry for myself I texted my buddy and told her what happened. She gave me the usual schpeel about how I'll get over her and how it's her loss etc etc. That's when I realized it's all the same shit I would be telling someone in my position. I don't have the need to sit here feeling sorry for myself, I did NOTHING wrong. The whole time I've been telling myself as well as others that as long as you try your hardest you have nothing more to give.

Shay, you've got a permanent place in my heart, you know that. If you need your time to do you, take it. You'll either find someone who you think is better than me and you'll be happy with him, or you'll realize that nobody can love you like I can and you'll be happy with me. Either way, I promise to you, I'm going to be happy.

Now, don't think you can black out fuck with mad niggas and I'll just take you back as soon as you're done getting some shit out of your system. I'm a very understanding and loving person, especially for you, but I'm not a dumbass. ;)

Anyways, I don't even feel like writing this blog anymore cuz I don't feel the need to sit here and explain that I'm just going to continue living life as me, Cameron. =)

All I need

So it's 3:30 am on Saturday morning. Cameron is trying to sleep because he has bowling in the morning. Then he gets this text message from Dell...

"I aint fucking with yall nikkas no more like yall nikkas insecure thinkin a nikka gotta fuck with yall bitches blood why would I wait til im in AZ yall nikkas funny"

Hmmmmmm...... what the fuck?

Now, as my bro/best friend I would expect you to understand that I trust you as such. That being said I don't think you're going to fuck with my girl, and I damn sure ain't insecure. Yeah the truth is I can see problems that will more than likely stem from my girl going to AZ with you for a week, and because I'm not going to have you sitting here thinking I'm making up excuses I'll list them here for you to see.

First, I find it funny that I can't be trusted around females that you USED to fuck with but I'm supposed to be perfectly fine with you being alone with my girl for a week. The thing here is, I trust you. You just never trusted me with anything like that so I find it funny that you would get all pissy when I look at you the slightest bit sideways when YOU put yourself in the same position I was in. I don't like dealing with that shit.

Second, I am not nearly naive enough to think that certain people I consider friends/homies/associates would never try to fuck my girl if they set their eyes on doing so. Dell I know you ain't like that, but time and time again we've BOTH seen that certain people we consider part of the crew wouldn't hesitate to at LEAST try to fuck a girl we hold close to our hearts. They did it to you and they know and respect you far more than they do me, and I know that. Not to say that I expect them to, it's just to say I wouldn't be at all surprised. Not something I want to have to deal with.

Then knowing my girl and you well enough, I understand that certain things will probably happen that raise your eyebrows enough to tell me. As an example, let's say she flirts with some nigga, maybe even you. While I understand that as part of just who she is, you being the untrusting person you are you will see some shit like that and take it as her being foul and needs to be constantly watched. Then, you being the great friend you are you will bring shit like that to my attention just like you have before and I'll have an immensely difficult time really trusting her. Not something I really want to deal with.

Then there's the obvious fact that you guys bump heads all the fucking time and spend half the time talking about how much you don't like or don't trust each other. So, how is this trip for a week with you guys living together going to happen without y'all arguing over some retarded shit? I hate to put y'all out there as entirely incapable of getting along for a decent amount of time, but the FACT is you probably won't and I'll get a call or a text from somebody about some dumb shit that I, once again, don't really want to deal with.

Yet I guess I can understand you thinking that I'm just an insecure ass nigga at first, it is honestly the easiest conclusion to come to and to understand. But at the same time you should already know that's bullshit, and it would make WAY more sense to look at the big picture instead and understand that I'm not the kind of nigga to be insecure or jump to conclusions.

That being said, I'm going to leave it alone now because I obviously can't open my fucking mouth without everyone thinking they know some shit about me that they don't. Just know if in the long run this bullshit keeps up, it is going to be fuck you, and I only say that out of love.

Logic Speaks

Being broke is...

Boring. Hella boring.

I wish I could just have her over at the crib with me watching some TV and shit but it's just not in the cards. I realized that basically for us to ever spend time together one of us has to have money, right now, neither of us do.

Quick note on the boomerang phantom bullet... I dodged it, thought it came back, but I was wrong. Last night I was BUGGIN needless to say lol.

I was told BY HER not to love her and to especially not fall in love with her. I laughed it off, and told her it was too late haha. I don't know man, it's extra discouraging for her to personally tell me I'm making a mistake and that I'm just setting myself up to get hurt. It lowkey sounds like she's telling me that I'm wasting my time too. She told me that she cannot allow herself to fall in love ever again, which also kind of hurt me. I'm really allowing myself to let go of all my predispositions and to see that she's not planning to do the same for me, EVER, makes me think that the separation between us will be entirely painful for me but almost nothing for her. Yet, I know my position and I play it well, hopefully I won't have to make myself a free agent.

That being said, I think I aced my midterm in Politics today, so, word.

Fin.

Another unanswered question like...

"Why are we here?"

So I'm sitting here at school, first class at 9:30am was canceled, and I can't go to my basketball class at 11 because I forgot my basketball shorts at home. WHACK! I could have been at home sleeping until like noon instead. I had some more NY last night anyways.

So why ARE we here? Don't know.

I say it like I've been doing it for years (when it's actually been a few days) but I'm still trying my hardest to make this whole relationship thing work out. I've recently realized another problem in our relationship and it's what we represent to each other in our respective perspectives. To me she is THE female, THE love of my life (so far?) and the only thing I see. Last night, while zoning out, I was thinking about my own future and coming home from work to my kids. I saw myself with a baby girl and without a thought to placing her there, Shay was my baby's mom, sitting on the couch watching our daughter waiting for me to get home. I was trippin off how she is just the first, only and unquestionable ruler of my heart. So I was thinking what did I mean to her...

Good news first. I'm pretty sure she sees me as someone special, someone different and someone she truly cares for if nothing else. Whether that "caring" encompasses love is entirely different. I doubt that for her having been in a long ass 7 year relationship with someone she gave her all to, she can look at me, the one month rookie boyfriend, and say she loves me. That's entirely fair. However, it makes things really difficult for me. While she sits there and kinda tries to deal with me on a day by day basis, I'm making a real true effort to build something with this girl and make her my future. I see how that might end up being a fault on my part, but honestly I'll be naive and 'weak' if it means I might get the end result I'm going for.

I'm also starting to think that she's going to break up with me before I get a chance to put in all the work I want to. So I guess we'll just have to see what happens with that. UNTIL NEXT TIME!

I love that NY shit

No matter how hard you try, you can't find ANYTHING in the world to be mad at. My subject of choice? Not that big of a surprise, lol.

Being one of 5 people doing karaoke last night? YUP. Finally had my mp3 player with me this time so I found they had a bunch of dope songs from people I only listen to occasionally. For example, Music by Erick Sermon. Not last night, but next time for sure.

Not too much to say today, y'all should already know how things are going with my girl. So, I'll be back soon/later chillun.

Those 3 words.

I tell her I love her because I mean it. It's this feeling that, even when I THINK about her, is uprooted from the bottom of my heart. I accept the idea that I'm inexperienced to a degree and maybe the love that I call love isn't love to others. I have got to say though, as far as she sits compared to ANY other female I've ever had females, I don't know what else to call it. So, I guess when I say it to her and she doesn't say it back, it kind of hurts. Yet, I'm (carelessly?) understanding. For whatever reason she doesn't feel that she can say it back to me. We'll work on that together though.

I don't want to flip-flop with her anymore. I keep doing this to myself, and it's not helped our relationship at all. Today was fucking AMAZING. Like one of the days we had before we were official, before the technicalities and the rumors and the bullshit. And today is how it could be if I'm willing to put myself out there, which I have already said I'm willing to do. I kind of made it sound like all our problems were all her fault, but they weren't. Sure, they played a part in it, but in the end it's up to ME to stay on MY job to make this work.

Also today she confessed to me that she was quite seriously considering leaving California. She told me she's tired of it, she's tired of everyone and she's just unhappy in general. So, I told her that if she feels that moving would allow her to change that, do it. Now, I didn't say that just to sound good, and that fact alone scared the living hell out of me. I honest to goodness said it because I meant it. I know off top that if she were to move we would have to break up. It doesn't phase me though, I just want her to be happy. If it's by moving to Louisiana, getting a job, finding a new partner and building her own family out there, so be it. *cornball alert*

It wouldn't matter if she's with me or not, close to me or not, alive or dead..... this girl has an undeniable, irrevocable place in my heart until the day I die.

So, I guess having said that, I'll get some sleep and wonder how long it will be before I write a blog that DOESN'T revolve around her...

haha

Ehhhhhhhhh

I'm fucking lost. And desperate. I'm really going to give this girl my all, because I know that although so much is at stake, I'll never get US to where I want us to be by holding back. Worst of all my road map is now gone.

I'm fucking scared. The mere thought of how much EMOTION I'm going to put into this is staggering. I'm sitting here eyes welled up because I have to do the very thing I fear doing. I HAVE to though. It could be too little too late but I swear I'm going to do it.

I have her picture as my screen saver on my phone. She's so fucking beautiful when she smiles. The kind of beautiful that never fades, and never gets old. I miss seeing her smile so much. I miss making her smile, and I miss knowing she was smiling because she was with me.

I'm out of words. It's all in my head now, and it's my job to make this work...

Where to begin.

If I had an actual alter ego named Logic, that was the personification of his own name, whom I could channel into completely, I think he would be disturbed at my blog for the past couple weeks. LOGIC would be telling me to fucking dead this relationship now, on some "It's STARTING bad? Nigga, at what point do you just fucking assume it will magically get better?"

However, Logic has been muffled, if not silenced for a while now. "There is no Logic in love". Let me make a note here that the first time I realized the implications of that phrase I damn near felt like crying. See, Logic Speaks wasn't a name that I earned, I gave it to myself. It's not a random nickname, Logic IS me. I truly feel like that person on the inside, and the name came around the time I lost my faith in religion. So, the mere phrase "There is no Logic in love." shows me that to be truly in love, Logic will be lost.

Take it back to 2006 and the song Threat.

"A young buck that just has too much on his plate
Ready to hit life, just to tune into his fate (Fate?)
It's like I'm too logical to keep up with my faith
Or to drop that straight look when you look into my face
It's just that I'm scared that I'm not scared of death
I guess in the end... I'm just my own damn threat..."

The dead ass ad-libbed FATE in there on some OG Logic shit. Like unknowingly dropping a little surprise I hid in there for myself to find later.

So, at this point let me openly admit that the nature of Logic simply will NOT allow me to fall in love and completely trust anyone. I tell my girlfriend I love her, which is 100% true but in the sense of being IN love with her I am not even close. As far as trusting her goes, I do in the sense that LOGICALLY I think she has weighed the pros and cons of doing anything to hurt me and couldn't bring herself to do it. So, to truly trust my girl and fall in love with her, Logic must die.

Logic is not ready to die. That is my fault, and how I don't allow this relationship to truly blossom.

My girlfriend makes a very similar fault. Her past has shown her things that have hardened her heart and she's put up tremendous walls to stop her heart from being broken again. She started letting those walls down, but at the first sign of trouble again she started raising them again. To this day they get higher and harder to break down. For a period of time even after she started raising them I tried to get through, but as time passed Logic got his voice back. Subconsciously. So as I started giving up, she kept re-building those walls.

At this point I find myself having almost completely given up on trying to break those walls down again. I fondly reminisce on the time I almost got in. So in that sense, her fault was letting a misstep blow out of proportion and mean more to her than all the perfect steps taken before that. Let me be clear that it was not an immediate change, but a gradual disintegration of faith in me caused by a change in her perspective of how she then chose to view me.

We're quite honestly at a stalemate. We both wonder where all the compassion and vigor went. I really wanted to break up with her tonight, but I couldn't bring myself to do it because as much as I'm already exhausted and ready to give up breaking down those walls, I want to get back in even more. However, just as difficult I find it to murder Logic, she finds it difficult to abandon her predispositions and give love a chance again, no matter how many missteps it makes on the way to her heart.

I hope that her decision will be final. She needs time and she's got it. If she wants to do this, I will bust my fucking ass to do everything for her again, regardless of her reaction. I know what I want and I'm incredibly willing to fight for it, AS LONG AS FIGHTING FOR IT GOES SOMEWHERE. If she decides that it's best to part, then, well, I don't know what then really. When Logic Speaks it says that life will go on. But when my heart speaks I know I will always remember her, and remember how close I came to my own personal heaven when I was with her...

Logic(?) Speaks

AIG bonuses and bad combinations

My mom sent me some money today, a much needed surprise.

So today I start getting a flood of shit from the streets about my girl. Nothing too serious, other than I heard she's still messing with some dude. And I was told his supposed name. The interesting part is, while I would hope all rumors could be dismissed as unfounded, I've actually seen texts from him in her phone. One of them even made me lowkey mad when I saw it at first. So, hmmmmm...

Then while I'm bowling contemplating how to play the situation, I see Djarnette come out of nowhere and throw a bowling ball. Naturally I assume my girl is with her too, and I was right. So when I turn around the first sight I see of my girlfriend is her shaking her ass about a foot away from Lil Snapp's face.

So while everyone there tells me shit like "Fuck that you better go check her that was mad disrespectful!" or "Nigga that's one of those girls you have to kick to the curb and let come back to you." I ignore her even being there for about an hour. She didn't come say anything to me, and I didn't say anything to her. Then when it's time to go I walk my ball to the car and have this conversation...

Shay: So, where are we going? *all smiles*
Cam: I don't know where you guys are going...
Shay: Well where are you going cuz we're following you. *all smiles*
Cam: I'm going home actually...
Shay: What's wrong? *all smiles*
Cam: A bad combination of bullshit today.
Shay: Bullshit from me? *smile fades*
Cam: Ummmm, yeah, you could say that.
Shay: Well what did I do?
Cam: That's exactly the problem. I don't know what you did.
Shay: You don't know what I did? Oh, ok, whatever. *all smiles* *walks away*
Cam: Exactly.......'whatever'.

She went to Denny's, I'm at home and unless she texts me I ain't textin her.

I don't know exactly how to pinpoint this but I feel weird. Like, I trust her, but with non-love-blinded people around me telling me to abort mission, it's hard as fuck not to listen to them. Then, I feel like I'm giving her too much room because apparently she thought giving my friend a practical lapdance (exaggeration) right in front of me was a perfectly legitimate thing to do. So I try to listen to that Psychology Today article and detach the meaning I attach to that (complete disrespect and disregard for my emotions/mild emasculation) and see things from her view. Yet, even then the answer (being there was a song she liked on so her natural reaction was to dance and my friend just happened to be right there) still seems like she did something dumb without thinking first.

So, my solution?

Take a shit, maybe watch some Daily Show/Colbert Report and go to sleep.

While wishing I could afford a sack.

Saturday night: Alone Again

So, it's March 14th, 2009.

Me and Aguadia's one month anniversary.

I had planned for her to come over tonight, cleaned up the house a little, bought her a gift and a card and generally had been looking forward to her company tonight.

She's not here though. Once again, I decided to confirm whether or not she would be coming over tonight and she asked me if I would be mad if she said no. I told her I wouldn't be mad, and she said that was good because she was already drunk off her ass.

Ok, cool. I'm not mad, just like I said I wouldn't be.

Disappointed?

Helllllll yes.

I read an article in Psychology Today (a magazine) that was talking about the 10 biggest relationship annoyances and it was talking about how your partner might not necessarily do something terrible, it's just that the meaning YOU attach to it makes it seem terrible. Guy leaves toilet seat up, girl tells him he's inconsiderate of her and doesn't think about her needs. Not the best call.

So I could sit here and bitch and complain about how she takes me for granted, puts me on the back burner and how selfish she is. But I won't. She wants to hang out with her friends and drink, ok, fine. Maybe she doesn't put as much emphasis on this anniversary as I do, that's merely a conflict of perspective.

However, although I won't sit here and bitch about it, I also won't BE a bitch about it. She should know how wrong she is for not wanting to be with me tonight, and though I won't hold it against her, she will be forced to come to an understanding of why I feel played like I do.

I won't end this blog saying all the mean things I wish I could.

Love, Candy and Cavities

My girl said she wasn't doing anything tonight, but when I text her right now (12:44am) she isn't even home yet. Eh, oh well. This trust shit aint all it's cracked up to be lol.

I finished my scholarship application on time, but because my GPA technically isn't a 2.5 but instead and 2.43, I probably won't qualify for any. Lame. Life goes on...

Most interesting part of the day came with my cousin tonight. As we sat at Denny's we talked about life, in particular, goals. She said she wanted all this.......STUFF, and no matter how hard I tried to convince her she could have all the stuff in the world and still not be happy, she wouldn't budge. She's under the belief that she simply cannot be happy as an average person with an average job and average life. She thinks she needs the fast life, with a Maserati, lots of money and enough power to do whatever she wants. Fail.

I don't think I really need to explain that idea too much, I would assume most people understand that even if you get what you THINK would make you happy, you will most certainly find some way in your head things could be 'better'. I even asked her, "Is it possible that you could get a Maserati and still be a miserable person?" and she said yes. Instant proof that material objects are not the source of happiness.

So then I asked her, "Ok, so if you had the choice of spending the day with your loved ones and close friends, and it was guaranteed to be the best day of your life OR getting a brand new red Maserati right now, which would you choose?"

...

"Shoooot, I'd get the Maserati and see if I could kick it with y'all on Sunday before I go to work."

.....so disappointing. =/

Logic Speaks

Oops

I have to wake up extra early in the morning, at like 9 am. (Yes, for me on spring break that's HELLA early)

Why?

I forgot to do my scholarship application, and it's due in by 12 noon.

Hope I get everything done on time. =/

Night.

Fucking Watchmen

Laurie: "Jon, what about the war? You've got to prevent it! Everyone will die."

Dr. Manhattan: "...And the universe will not even notice."

That is life. Minuscule. Meaningless.

Unless of course, viewed from a perspective relatively small itself.

This is beyond faith and religion. It's a fact of life. YOUR life is one of many, a meaningless piece of a puzzle so big you can't truly imagine.

The idea of nothing is scary, but the idea of everything is actually much more frightening. Peep this...


"Right now, on your computer screen, are approximately 10,000 galaxies.

Each of those galaxies contains anywhere from ten million to one trillion stars.

The average star is roughly a million times the size of Earth.

And yet, with all that junk, the Universe is more than 90 percent empty space.

All of that, in this tiny photo. A photo that took 400 orbits and 800 exposures to take.

And the kicker? The photo covers one thirteen-millionth of the entire night sky."



Not even close to done...

"So all that shit we just said about how big the universe is (at least 90 billion light years)? Forget it. That’s small beans. The Cosmological Horizon is here to make your day a whole lot more complicated. Since we can only observe stellar bodies that have had some effect on us (usually bombarding us with light), there is an outer limit to what we can see of the universe. Hence, the “observable universe.” What about the rest? The parts of the universe beyond our Starcraft-style fog of war? Well, according to some math we have no interest in going into, the size of the “actual” universe is so large that if the universe we just described (the impossibly, mind-bogglingly large one) were the size of a quarter, the actual universe would be the size of the Earth. Daaaaaaaamn."

So basically instead of having to imagine being nothing, just imagining how big everything else is, you damn near become nothing. To put that into perspective even I'M too intimidated to put that into perspective. That sentence totally made sense lol.

So what's the point of living? You live to find it I guess. In the end we all fall into our places, and see things from our seemingly HUGE perspectives that are, in all actuality, obsolete. But you live, and you learn, and one day you die......hopefully having learned something nothing.

Heh

First day back in awesome boyfriend mode. lol. It was pretty cool the majority of the time, possibly affected because I had my brothers with me. The end she kind of drifted off and got distant again, but I'm going to do like my buddy advised me and just let it go. So after that I hit her up to tell her it was cool or whatever but talk to me if she needs to. Today was almost a success...

Then I told her that Cordell didn't trust her, and she got mad because I was putting him all in our business.

Dell is my closest friend and I respect his opinion tremendously. I HAVE to go to him, otherwise I will build up anger because I have noone to vent to. I don't tell him everything, I just tell him basic info about what I'm concerned about. I never follow his advice directly, but he does have an impact on how I see things. That's with anyone going to a friend though, at the very least. She can tell any one of her friends anything and I respect that because she's not telling her friend to tell her MY business, but rather OUR business. How could anyone go to a friend and ask them for advice if they only know half the story?

I hope if it comes up I can articulate this even half as well lol.

Other than that, I'm really glad I talked to my buddy because now I feel more calm, level-headed and understanding about my girlfriend. I have a whole lot of work to do if I want this to be a successful relationship, and now I finally feel ready to do it.

End transmission.

Bang bang

I had a VERY good talk with my buddy Kyona today and I think I need to update how I feel about all this in a more clear way.

First, I never searched for my girl's blog. She told it to me a while back and I remembered what it was. I checked it cuz I feel she opens up more to her blog than she does to me, so it helps me understand her better. Maybe I'm wrong for that, but I digress.

I was mad because I felt she knew that Saturday's are when I have the best time with her. I told her before I don't like going out and doing 'stuff' all the time, I really like to just relax, watch some TV or a movie and chill. So, that's what we do Saturdays, and it's the only day of the week we have that opportunity. I felt like she kind of disregarded all that because she would rather be with her friend. And, not only that, but that I do so much for her and take her wherever she needs to go and do whatever she might need me to do, and all I feel I ever ask of her is to be with me Saturday.

So, when that happened, I felt that maybe she needed a 'taste of her own medicine' so to speak, and I decided to be far less open and an overall lesser boyfriend. Why?

I'm scared of getting too attached and ending up blinded by love, too weak to leave when I really should. If this is only the beginning, I already KNOW shit like this is just going to keep getting worse. Or at least I think I know. Why stick around getting bodied all the time AND be a fool for it? I keep putting shit in and I've been getting a little back, but what happened last night felt like I wasn't getting shit back anymore, barely even a 'Thanks.' So I bust out with "Fuck it." and that was it.

It's all a strange balance though. My buddy tells me that when a girl goes through as much as her and my girlfriend both did, it's not so much that they won't give back, it's that they truly just can't. My buddy told me she used to be just like my girl: too scared to commit to emotions and reverted to that "Whatever, I don't care shit" even when she knew she did. She didn't know how to react when she found a guy who would treat her well, and she felt like she could pretty much walk all over him.

It took my buddy a year to finally really start opening up for her boyfriend, and I have to say I respect the FUCK out of the dude for having that much patience. I'm just past the 3 week point and already I'm finding myself lost as to whether or not I'm wasting my time.

To be honest though, I really don't think I am. When I told her we needed a break she didn't bug out and get mad and vindictive; that same night I saw her and she was all smiles and hugs before we even talked about it. (Note: there was alcohol involved lmao) But even when I kind of nudged her to break up with me today she didn't do it. It kind of seems like she wants me to work with her, that she wants to open up, and that she really wants to be with me.

So in that sense I guess the ball's in my court. I want to try to make this work, but I expect to see results as well. My buddy has already shown me the results aren't going to happen any time relatively soon though, so it has to do with my patience and my effort. I can hold back from her just like she does to me, but then not only do I make it less likely we will work out at all, but I violate my own standards. I've never held shit against people like that for all of my life, so why would I start now?

*sigh* I really am a big softy.

What a dumbass

Tuesday!
Cam: "So you're coming to my house again on Saturday right?"
Shay: "More than likely."

Saturday!
Cam: "You still coming over tonight?"
Shay: "Ummm...idk. I'm going to be with (random niggas name) tonight..."
Cam: "......aight man."
Shay: "Why you say it like that?"

Why the hell, under any circumstances, would I be perfectly fine with my girlfriend abandoning the ONLY night of the week we can chill at my house.........SO SHE CAN GO KICK IT WITH SOME OTHER NIGGA?

This is a serious question by the way, and to add a little irony to this I present you a quote directly from her blog...

"but yeah he's pissed
cuhz im kickin it with kemaine tonight. oh well. he's my friend and
someone that wants to be around me so im there."

Apparently, in her head, the fact that someone wants to spend time with her is very important. What apparently is more important however, is the nigga that pops up out of nowhere, NOT the one who expressed interest in spending time with her far ahead of time. You know, I will be perfectly 100% honest right now, not knowing who will read this.

This relationship is not going to last.

We've been together 3 weeks and I can already tell. However, it won't be for my lack of effort, it will be hers. When I ask for a break it was apparently obvious to her that I would want one sooner or later, because I'm "not ready for a relationship and all the feelings that come along with it."

I think that's bullshit considering SHE'S the one who avoids feelings all the damn time, going out of her way to try and convince me she doesn't care and saying shit like "Oh well" or "Whatever."

When I go out of my way every single fucking day of the week to either take her to school or pick her up from school and all the fuck I ever ask for is for her to spend the night with me on Saturday, who's really not making the effort when it doesn't happen?

Maybe I'm being too nice and she's feeling like she can walk all over me, whatever man. All I know is I've made it a point to say I want this to work, but I'm putting allllllll the effort in. So now it's her turn to show me she wants it to work. If it doesn't, I already know I'll be sad and writing a blog about how much I miss her but in the end it will be for the better. I'll follow her lead, and since right about now that consists of being distant, now it's my turn.

Three weeks and I'm already this frustrated? Maybe this wholllllle thing was a bad idea...

Hello again

I'm starting to slow everything down again, because that's really the way I need it. I'm not going to be getting all the sleep I want tonight but oh well, I need to write an oh-so-important blog lol.

As far as my relationship is going, I give it two thumbs up. I had a great talk with my girl tonight about working together on fixing the 'kinks' in our relationship and she actually started taking in what I was saying lol. She's stubborn as fuck, I forgot to point that out as one of her flaws haha. I know I have my flaws too, so, we're doing this together. =)

As far as work goes, I hope I don't get transferred. I doubt I will, but I still get a weird feeling every time I walk in my store. Brian hasn't been saying shit to me lately, which is mad strange, but I hope he just wants to avoid all the drama that I've been put in recently.

As far as school goes, I need to apply for them damn scholarships! My grades are looking pretty good, the only thing I haven't gotten an A on really were the two quizzes in politics I forgot I had. Four of the ten quizzes we take get dropped anyways though, so I still have a little room to work with lol.

So, all in all, things are moving incredibly fast, but it's going well. My blur of a life is going to slow down and hopefully that will start showing more detail PLUS continue to look good.

I'm tired, not high ahaha.

Logic Speaks