I think it's pretty safe to say that trying to recap the past 2 weeks is hopeless. So instead I'll say that me doing me has been going on to the fullest, and here's some shit that's been getting me lately...
Because of my life, I have a defense mechanism of not letting people get to know the real me. I spend so much time dodging emotion, brushing shit off, being sarcastic, and if anyone makes me FEEL, I make sure I know how to get to them so I can try to make them feel even more than me. The problem here is that while the people I DO let in forgive me for that when I do it and love the person they finally get to see with all defenses down, I leave some of my acquaintances in the dust. I find that people get a bad impression of me, and I get frustrated at how misunderstood I am to them, while exacerbating the situation by not letting them in still. I need to solve this problem.
I'm trying to avoid negativity. Negative emotions are a waste of time really, and only attract more negative emotion. Thus, no matter what happens I'm making a conscious effort to stay a loving person and ACT that way as well. While certain things happen and people around me stay negative, I accept it as life. Idk how to explain it really. Jackee and I got into it today, and I made a sincere apology which she rejected and proceeded to decide to "punish" me by not talking to me until I learn my lesson or whatever. Honestly, while it's disappointing because lord knows I like the girl, I'm letting it go. I gave my apology and if she still puts negative emotion into the situation, then it's just better that I avoid all that negativity. "He who does not feel me is not real to me. So POOF!"
I'm starting to find that the best things in life present themselves rather than you directly searching for them. Metaphor: The best teams in the NBA are taking the off-season standing back and looking at the big picture for players that can fit into their scheme. Not desperately, just keeping an eye out. Then, if they see someone they think can improve their situation, they carefully evaluate it more in-depth and make a decision. The worse teams are scavenging the free agent market, looking for the best players with the best stats in an attempt to score more points or bring more attention to their team. It never seems to be about a careful arrangement of players that mesh together and create a balanced team, it's about adding all the "best" pieces they can find and hoping it works out.
So, I'm making the moves that I know I've got to make and otherwise staying in my spot and watching the field. If anyone or anything fit the way I want to work out my life, I'll add them. If they look good on paper but I don't feel like they'd work in my offense, they'll have to go. Ya dig?
lol, Logic Speaks.
7/20/09
7/18/09
Before I die list
1) Skydive.
2) Go to Disneyland high as fuck.
3) Have sex with a girl I love on E.
4) Buy a sports car and outrun the cops on the freeway.
5) Draw up an elaborate plot to rob a bank but never do it lol.
6) Think of more cool shit to do before I die.
Amanda's still around, Jackee's still around, my vacation's coming up, and I'm not sure what to do with my life anymore.
That's all I have to say for now.
2) Go to Disneyland high as fuck.
3) Have sex with a girl I love on E.
4) Buy a sports car and outrun the cops on the freeway.
5) Draw up an elaborate plot to rob a bank but never do it lol.
6) Think of more cool shit to do before I die.
Amanda's still around, Jackee's still around, my vacation's coming up, and I'm not sure what to do with my life anymore.
That's all I have to say for now.
7/6/09
Curiosity killed the cat
Fucking females dog...
Amanda says she loves me. She says she realized a lot of things and that I was right in saying I know her best. This all comes just as I was truly becoming comfortable with the idea that I no longer have feelings for her like that. Lord knows I still have mad love for her, but as far as her being on my mind and being THE girl I love.....nah. So I told her that she's kinda OD'in and we'll talk about it more later. So, I'll talk about it more later....lol.
Jackee.....damn. It all started when she didn't come to karaoke and I told her I would pick her up and she still didn't come. Iffy to say the least. Then she left me alone with her phone and my curiosity took over. I found out my name in her phone was "Shawne" which isn't my name ahahah obviously. So I let that slide but there was obviously more than meets the eye going on. Next she had on her AIM away message something about hanging out with "wifey" that night. The revelations of last blog entry were that she's bi. So I decided to just ask her straight up what was good. She tells me wifey is a gay dude she knows and she calls him that, and that my name is different in her phone because she fucks some dude and he goes through her phone and trips when there's a new name in it. So to justify this she only didn't tell me because he supposedly means nothing to her and she only does it to him because he gives her money that she needs. Then tonight I decide to Google her, because with no MySpace or Facebook I really need something to fall back on to see if I can trust her. Negative. Some girl in Moreno Valley wrote her name in a blog saying AND I QUOTE (lol) "love this girl unconditionally and Im willin to move past everything that has happened and start over fresh." That's the only part of the blog I got to see and yet there are already like 3 different problems with JUST that.
So now I gotta decide what I'm going to do with her. I definitely think I'm going to keep her around, she seems like a pretty good friend if nothing else. BUT (I apologize for the simp shit but I HAVE to get this out) it's really disappointing to say the least. Everything about her seemed so perfect and she said all the right words, so it's kind of hard to believe that it was all game. Yet, I have this feeling that I should stick around but keep my head above water. WAY above water. She's going to lie, and she's going to sneak (apparently) but I'll just act like Dell and not believe any of that shit lol. Yet, just like Dell, beyond all the bullshit, I know for a fact there's a genuine person under there. So maybe I should just take it upon myself to try and pull that person out. I kind of have a knack for getting to people who nobody else can get to, so hey who knows, maybe this time I'll get lucky. Peace.
Amanda says she loves me. She says she realized a lot of things and that I was right in saying I know her best. This all comes just as I was truly becoming comfortable with the idea that I no longer have feelings for her like that. Lord knows I still have mad love for her, but as far as her being on my mind and being THE girl I love.....nah. So I told her that she's kinda OD'in and we'll talk about it more later. So, I'll talk about it more later....lol.
Jackee.....damn. It all started when she didn't come to karaoke and I told her I would pick her up and she still didn't come. Iffy to say the least. Then she left me alone with her phone and my curiosity took over. I found out my name in her phone was "Shawne" which isn't my name ahahah obviously. So I let that slide but there was obviously more than meets the eye going on. Next she had on her AIM away message something about hanging out with "wifey" that night. The revelations of last blog entry were that she's bi. So I decided to just ask her straight up what was good. She tells me wifey is a gay dude she knows and she calls him that, and that my name is different in her phone because she fucks some dude and he goes through her phone and trips when there's a new name in it. So to justify this she only didn't tell me because he supposedly means nothing to her and she only does it to him because he gives her money that she needs. Then tonight I decide to Google her, because with no MySpace or Facebook I really need something to fall back on to see if I can trust her. Negative. Some girl in Moreno Valley wrote her name in a blog saying AND I QUOTE (lol) "love this girl unconditionally and Im willin to move past everything that has happened and start over fresh." That's the only part of the blog I got to see and yet there are already like 3 different problems with JUST that.
So now I gotta decide what I'm going to do with her. I definitely think I'm going to keep her around, she seems like a pretty good friend if nothing else. BUT (I apologize for the simp shit but I HAVE to get this out) it's really disappointing to say the least. Everything about her seemed so perfect and she said all the right words, so it's kind of hard to believe that it was all game. Yet, I have this feeling that I should stick around but keep my head above water. WAY above water. She's going to lie, and she's going to sneak (apparently) but I'll just act like Dell and not believe any of that shit lol. Yet, just like Dell, beyond all the bullshit, I know for a fact there's a genuine person under there. So maybe I should just take it upon myself to try and pull that person out. I kind of have a knack for getting to people who nobody else can get to, so hey who knows, maybe this time I'll get lucky. Peace.
7/2/09
I'm a slutbag
General ass blog. Too much to cover.
I'm lowkey talking to a lot of females.
Jackee is all that and then some. Unexpected revelations and shit. Plus, she's like me..... if I had gone through 10 times more and still came out 10 times stronger. She's like.... incredible. Honestly. And there's something about her that makes me just want to give her the whole fucking world on a platter. After just our SECOND date. lol.
Amanda and I kind of have this..... understanding. IDK WTF we are really. I guess the general consensus is that we do both still have feelings for each other, and we need to stop fucking around and figure out what we want to do with those feelings. It's like, I want her around physically for now, but if I got a girl, I'd just want her as a friend, but if we broke up, I would still want her back around physically. See, I don't fucking know. For now she's my boo though, as far as I can tell.
Then there's my cousin who I hope keeps her job. I can see why people don't understand the dynamics of our relationship. We will talk about sex openly and graphically, and just laugh and shit. High chance that's not common. Oh well, neither of us are common people, so we won't even bother breaking the mold, just be above it.
lol, I have to retire from this blog for now. It's funny, I kind of want a play-by-play recap for myself as I get older but truth be told, all the good stories will probably just be memories in the first place. =)
I'm lowkey talking to a lot of females.
Jackee is all that and then some. Unexpected revelations and shit. Plus, she's like me..... if I had gone through 10 times more and still came out 10 times stronger. She's like.... incredible. Honestly. And there's something about her that makes me just want to give her the whole fucking world on a platter. After just our SECOND date. lol.
Amanda and I kind of have this..... understanding. IDK WTF we are really. I guess the general consensus is that we do both still have feelings for each other, and we need to stop fucking around and figure out what we want to do with those feelings. It's like, I want her around physically for now, but if I got a girl, I'd just want her as a friend, but if we broke up, I would still want her back around physically. See, I don't fucking know. For now she's my boo though, as far as I can tell.
Then there's my cousin who I hope keeps her job. I can see why people don't understand the dynamics of our relationship. We will talk about sex openly and graphically, and just laugh and shit. High chance that's not common. Oh well, neither of us are common people, so we won't even bother breaking the mold, just be above it.
lol, I have to retire from this blog for now. It's funny, I kind of want a play-by-play recap for myself as I get older but truth be told, all the good stories will probably just be memories in the first place. =)
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