Random thoughts

I think it's pretty safe to say that trying to recap the past 2 weeks is hopeless. So instead I'll say that me doing me has been going on to the fullest, and here's some shit that's been getting me lately...

Because of my life, I have a defense mechanism of not letting people get to know the real me. I spend so much time dodging emotion, brushing shit off, being sarcastic, and if anyone makes me FEEL, I make sure I know how to get to them so I can try to make them feel even more than me. The problem here is that while the people I DO let in forgive me for that when I do it and love the person they finally get to see with all defenses down, I leave some of my acquaintances in the dust. I find that people get a bad impression of me, and I get frustrated at how misunderstood I am to them, while exacerbating the situation by not letting them in still. I need to solve this problem.

I'm trying to avoid negativity. Negative emotions are a waste of time really, and only attract more negative emotion. Thus, no matter what happens I'm making a conscious effort to stay a loving person and ACT that way as well. While certain things happen and people around me stay negative, I accept it as life. Idk how to explain it really. Jackee and I got into it today, and I made a sincere apology which she rejected and proceeded to decide to "punish" me by not talking to me until I learn my lesson or whatever. Honestly, while it's disappointing because lord knows I like the girl, I'm letting it go. I gave my apology and if she still puts negative emotion into the situation, then it's just better that I avoid all that negativity. "He who does not feel me is not real to me. So POOF!"

I'm starting to find that the best things in life present themselves rather than you directly searching for them. Metaphor: The best teams in the NBA are taking the off-season standing back and looking at the big picture for players that can fit into their scheme. Not desperately, just keeping an eye out. Then, if they see someone they think can improve their situation, they carefully evaluate it more in-depth and make a decision. The worse teams are scavenging the free agent market, looking for the best players with the best stats in an attempt to score more points or bring more attention to their team. It never seems to be about a careful arrangement of players that mesh together and create a balanced team, it's about adding all the "best" pieces they can find and hoping it works out.

So, I'm making the moves that I know I've got to make and otherwise staying in my spot and watching the field. If anyone or anything fit the way I want to work out my life, I'll add them. If they look good on paper but I don't feel like they'd work in my offense, they'll have to go. Ya dig?

lol, Logic Speaks.