Where to begin.

If I had an actual alter ego named Logic, that was the personification of his own name, whom I could channel into completely, I think he would be disturbed at my blog for the past couple weeks. LOGIC would be telling me to fucking dead this relationship now, on some "It's STARTING bad? Nigga, at what point do you just fucking assume it will magically get better?"

However, Logic has been muffled, if not silenced for a while now. "There is no Logic in love". Let me make a note here that the first time I realized the implications of that phrase I damn near felt like crying. See, Logic Speaks wasn't a name that I earned, I gave it to myself. It's not a random nickname, Logic IS me. I truly feel like that person on the inside, and the name came around the time I lost my faith in religion. So, the mere phrase "There is no Logic in love." shows me that to be truly in love, Logic will be lost.

Take it back to 2006 and the song Threat.

"A young buck that just has too much on his plate
Ready to hit life, just to tune into his fate (Fate?)
It's like I'm too logical to keep up with my faith
Or to drop that straight look when you look into my face
It's just that I'm scared that I'm not scared of death
I guess in the end... I'm just my own damn threat..."

The dead ass ad-libbed FATE in there on some OG Logic shit. Like unknowingly dropping a little surprise I hid in there for myself to find later.

So, at this point let me openly admit that the nature of Logic simply will NOT allow me to fall in love and completely trust anyone. I tell my girlfriend I love her, which is 100% true but in the sense of being IN love with her I am not even close. As far as trusting her goes, I do in the sense that LOGICALLY I think she has weighed the pros and cons of doing anything to hurt me and couldn't bring herself to do it. So, to truly trust my girl and fall in love with her, Logic must die.

Logic is not ready to die. That is my fault, and how I don't allow this relationship to truly blossom.

My girlfriend makes a very similar fault. Her past has shown her things that have hardened her heart and she's put up tremendous walls to stop her heart from being broken again. She started letting those walls down, but at the first sign of trouble again she started raising them again. To this day they get higher and harder to break down. For a period of time even after she started raising them I tried to get through, but as time passed Logic got his voice back. Subconsciously. So as I started giving up, she kept re-building those walls.

At this point I find myself having almost completely given up on trying to break those walls down again. I fondly reminisce on the time I almost got in. So in that sense, her fault was letting a misstep blow out of proportion and mean more to her than all the perfect steps taken before that. Let me be clear that it was not an immediate change, but a gradual disintegration of faith in me caused by a change in her perspective of how she then chose to view me.

We're quite honestly at a stalemate. We both wonder where all the compassion and vigor went. I really wanted to break up with her tonight, but I couldn't bring myself to do it because as much as I'm already exhausted and ready to give up breaking down those walls, I want to get back in even more. However, just as difficult I find it to murder Logic, she finds it difficult to abandon her predispositions and give love a chance again, no matter how many missteps it makes on the way to her heart.

I hope that her decision will be final. She needs time and she's got it. If she wants to do this, I will bust my fucking ass to do everything for her again, regardless of her reaction. I know what I want and I'm incredibly willing to fight for it, AS LONG AS FIGHTING FOR IT GOES SOMEWHERE. If she decides that it's best to part, then, well, I don't know what then really. When Logic Speaks it says that life will go on. But when my heart speaks I know I will always remember her, and remember how close I came to my own personal heaven when I was with her...

Logic(?) Speaks