Bang bang

I had a VERY good talk with my buddy Kyona today and I think I need to update how I feel about all this in a more clear way.

First, I never searched for my girl's blog. She told it to me a while back and I remembered what it was. I checked it cuz I feel she opens up more to her blog than she does to me, so it helps me understand her better. Maybe I'm wrong for that, but I digress.

I was mad because I felt she knew that Saturday's are when I have the best time with her. I told her before I don't like going out and doing 'stuff' all the time, I really like to just relax, watch some TV or a movie and chill. So, that's what we do Saturdays, and it's the only day of the week we have that opportunity. I felt like she kind of disregarded all that because she would rather be with her friend. And, not only that, but that I do so much for her and take her wherever she needs to go and do whatever she might need me to do, and all I feel I ever ask of her is to be with me Saturday.

So, when that happened, I felt that maybe she needed a 'taste of her own medicine' so to speak, and I decided to be far less open and an overall lesser boyfriend. Why?

I'm scared of getting too attached and ending up blinded by love, too weak to leave when I really should. If this is only the beginning, I already KNOW shit like this is just going to keep getting worse. Or at least I think I know. Why stick around getting bodied all the time AND be a fool for it? I keep putting shit in and I've been getting a little back, but what happened last night felt like I wasn't getting shit back anymore, barely even a 'Thanks.' So I bust out with "Fuck it." and that was it.

It's all a strange balance though. My buddy tells me that when a girl goes through as much as her and my girlfriend both did, it's not so much that they won't give back, it's that they truly just can't. My buddy told me she used to be just like my girl: too scared to commit to emotions and reverted to that "Whatever, I don't care shit" even when she knew she did. She didn't know how to react when she found a guy who would treat her well, and she felt like she could pretty much walk all over him.

It took my buddy a year to finally really start opening up for her boyfriend, and I have to say I respect the FUCK out of the dude for having that much patience. I'm just past the 3 week point and already I'm finding myself lost as to whether or not I'm wasting my time.

To be honest though, I really don't think I am. When I told her we needed a break she didn't bug out and get mad and vindictive; that same night I saw her and she was all smiles and hugs before we even talked about it. (Note: there was alcohol involved lmao) But even when I kind of nudged her to break up with me today she didn't do it. It kind of seems like she wants me to work with her, that she wants to open up, and that she really wants to be with me.

So in that sense I guess the ball's in my court. I want to try to make this work, but I expect to see results as well. My buddy has already shown me the results aren't going to happen any time relatively soon though, so it has to do with my patience and my effort. I can hold back from her just like she does to me, but then not only do I make it less likely we will work out at all, but I violate my own standards. I've never held shit against people like that for all of my life, so why would I start now?

*sigh* I really am a big softy.