Those 3 words.

I tell her I love her because I mean it. It's this feeling that, even when I THINK about her, is uprooted from the bottom of my heart. I accept the idea that I'm inexperienced to a degree and maybe the love that I call love isn't love to others. I have got to say though, as far as she sits compared to ANY other female I've ever had females, I don't know what else to call it. So, I guess when I say it to her and she doesn't say it back, it kind of hurts. Yet, I'm (carelessly?) understanding. For whatever reason she doesn't feel that she can say it back to me. We'll work on that together though.

I don't want to flip-flop with her anymore. I keep doing this to myself, and it's not helped our relationship at all. Today was fucking AMAZING. Like one of the days we had before we were official, before the technicalities and the rumors and the bullshit. And today is how it could be if I'm willing to put myself out there, which I have already said I'm willing to do. I kind of made it sound like all our problems were all her fault, but they weren't. Sure, they played a part in it, but in the end it's up to ME to stay on MY job to make this work.

Also today she confessed to me that she was quite seriously considering leaving California. She told me she's tired of it, she's tired of everyone and she's just unhappy in general. So, I told her that if she feels that moving would allow her to change that, do it. Now, I didn't say that just to sound good, and that fact alone scared the living hell out of me. I honest to goodness said it because I meant it. I know off top that if she were to move we would have to break up. It doesn't phase me though, I just want her to be happy. If it's by moving to Louisiana, getting a job, finding a new partner and building her own family out there, so be it. *cornball alert*

It wouldn't matter if she's with me or not, close to me or not, alive or dead..... this girl has an undeniable, irrevocable place in my heart until the day I die.

So, I guess having said that, I'll get some sleep and wonder how long it will be before I write a blog that DOESN'T revolve around her...

haha