Well would you look at that!

Mad verses. Old unfinished tracks I finally get to finish. I like this music stuff. =)

Not too much to report on follower (if even one of you exist!) but I will say I'm moving in while keeping my space. Makes mad sense right? Either way, I'm gone, I have to go please the fans.

The Sound Is God

Man, this shit is a ghost in my room for thoughts. Just the woman singing. I've never heard someone sing with that much passion. And even though I don't know what she's saying, I KNOW she means it. Which is a whole lot better than most people who speak English can lay claim to. Smh. If I didn't have to get up early I would black on that shit TONIGHT.


Some shit was on my head real tough today, and I can't remember what it was. Isn't that funny? We always think some shit's soooooo important and then look back and don't even remember what it was that was so important to begin with. I do that shit all the time.

I might rock IN LOVE, Love Line, San Pedro Cactus and Your Summer Song too. Plus a couple others. Niggas can make good beats, Exile can.

Oh and by the way I want to put this out there. Sometimes I will randomly feel someone elses pain. Just for a moment. And it's overwhelming. The other day at work a customer asked me if I had 3 cases of yogurt in the back, because that's all his wife could eat anymore. I was like "Yeah, let me check for you real quick."

Then as soon as I got in the back as I was thinking about how that might feel I kind of blacked out and felt the slow decay of getting older, of my health deteriorating, of not being able to do the most simple of things anymore and that shit HURT. Not like a physical pain, although I did kind of double over a little. It was like my soul landed on it's head. Hard to explain.

But y'all don't have to believe me.

I wish I could take everyone's pain. I'll be miserable so you can all be happy. Truly happy. Not the fake myspace picture happy. HAPPY, happy. Dead ass. On some modern day Jesus shit. BLASPHEMY!

Mega Mix

My minds racing

It's crazy because these days I have so much going on that I never have time to focus on any ONE thing.

Cordell has forgotten who the fuck I am.
My mom seems to be forgetting I'm my own, grown man.
I'm trying to find myself a girl to kick it with.
I'm trying to find out how I can help Amanda to the best of my ability.
I just realized my 'drug' is much harder to quit when I keep looking at it.
My inner circle is thinning.
My attitude is getting worse.
I wish I had more money so I could get a reliable car.
I'm trying to finish this semester strong with all A's.
I want to make music but I need a producer to really vibe with.
I'm still dealing with the idea that nobody understands me.

And a bunch more shit that is too much to list.

It's not even overwhelming or bringing me down I just end up feeling like I need more time alone. I have plenty of chances to go out but I tend to avoid them a lot more now than I used to. I guess it's all pretty much pointless.

Life has been throwing puzzles my way since conception, and while I keep getting more clever, they keep getting harder. This is all a new puzzle and I have the confidence that I can figure out where all the pieces will fall. Right now though, I'm just kind of separating the edge pieces from the pieces in the middle.

I just need to take a deep breath and remember who I am, internally, so that I don't let things overwhelm and frustrate me anymore.

My quote to live by for the past couple weeks?

"You've tried everyone else, now give yourself a chance." - Charles Hamilton

Just trying to figure out how to be just as successful at the same game as everyone else, but by playing by my own rules.

The Sound Is God (writing to, soon...)

Get off my dick.

Let me start by saying I'm verrrrry annoyed about half the songs on my playlist are only playing for 30 seconds right now, but I will assume that imeem is going to fix that soon to keep me from blackin.

Then let me say that Gabby accepted my apology and made one of her own, so I'm happy that is now behind us.

Then let me say that Amanda and I are mother fucking AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. I don't get it.

Then let me say that Cordell is acting madddddddddddd retarded right now. This nigga got mad because I went to visit his son, who I call my nephew. WOW. Then has the nerve to call me a funny nigga. LMAO. Nigga, you are way funnier than me, real talk.

I don't know, Drake is about to get some burns...

Say What's Real

This is the life.

I reached out to Gabby today. I don't even know why I decided to do it really, I didn't spend all day planning it, and I haven't spent any time recently with it even on my mind. I guess I felt like I needed to close out whatever negativity might still exist around the whole situation. Like, if she doesn't want to fuck with me that's fine but I wanted to say my piece and let it be what it will. So, we'll see what happens...

I'm feeling really universal right now. I'm at peace. I'm just here, but I'm content just being here. This world can put me in so many moods but this is my favorite to be in. I feel like listening to Below The Heavens, smoking something and falling into the sky. I want to win the lottery so I can feel like this more often. Not having to worry about 'out there' so much with work or school, just living the way I feel like living at the time I feel like living it. Spend an afternoon being a space tourist and spend the rest of the day trying to beat Shadow of the Colossus as beautifully as possible.

*le sigh*

I should take my ass to bed now, lol.

The World Is... (floating up there)

Epiphany

I'll say this real quick and get on to the rest of the blog....

It's like we split a mirror.

Moving on, so I'm in the backseat coming back from the comedy show in L.A. listening to Drake. I'm thinking about underground rap and mainstream rap, and how they compare to each other. Mainstream artists who get extremely popular extremely quickly usually disappear just as quickly. Then, underground artists stick around for what seems like forever (if you were a huge Canibus fan back then, you still are now) but they never get to the point where they can truly cross over into a majority. Underground artists have a very loyal fanbase and that's about it.

So I'm thinking about what kind of artist I want to be and I don't really want to be either. I will not be happy as a flash in the pan, and I won't be happy isolated. I have this story to tell and I want the whole world to hear it, but if I do it to quickly or slowly, I fall into either one of those categories. So I started thinking about artists that really transcend those boundaries and thought about Jay-Z. He is so popular in the mainstream and has songs everybody knows. Then in the mainstream, he's still respected as AT LEAST top 10 emcees of all time across the board. I realized that's kind of how I want to be.

Now, whether it be with my music or my life, to really achieve that I have to find a balance. I have to show qualities that will make people like me, or to attract them, and once I've achieved that I have to give them the REST of me to make them love me. A lot of people might judge me too quickly and get me all wrong but I think I can et past that. Jay-Z had that same problem, because while he was putting out singles that were seemingly shallow, he let the people who bought the album hear the true him...

"For those that think Hov' fingers bling bling'n
Either haven't heard the album or they don't know english
They only know what the single is, and singled that out
to be the meaning of what he is about
And bein I'm about my business, not minglin much
runnin my mouth, that shit kept lingerin
But no dummy, that's the shit I'm sprinklin
The album width to keep the registers ringin"


And in true Hov fashion, he spit that on a club track. lmao.

So I have to figure out how I'm going to keep lots of people coming to me, and at the same time keep the people I really need around.....around.

So, I guess in that sense I'll be changing. But I won't be changing who I am, I'll just be changing what I seem like to allow myself more opportunities.

Lost Ones

Wings don't make you fly.

Shallow ass people. Simple minded ass people. Sad, sad people.

I got one question though..... where the hell did all these females who want to talk to me come from? lol. Shit's mad cool cuz there are even a couple who I KNOW I wouldn't have to worry about doing janky shit. I'm not even getting my hopes up though and I'm not rushing shit, my mind still isn't ready.

I put 5 songs by Drake on my mp3 player today. I've been meaning to speak on dude for a while now so it might as well be now. He's GOOD, sometimes even really good, but people need to hop off his nuts thinking he's great and shit. Everywhere I go someone is gassing this nigga like he's not still a developing artist. Being an artist and a rapper myself I can tell you right now he still has madddd kinks to work out and HE knows it too. So, chill, give the nigga some space and let him really find out where he wants to take this.

That brings to mind something I know about myself as an artist. I can rhyme my ass off, but I use the same rhyme schemes too often. I can also write very well, but essentially my creativity is lacking. Listening to other artists make songs around topics, I notice that they take their music to places that I rarely take it. That is to say, I'm a typical mixtape rapper right now and I want to be able to make creative albums. I'm going to work on it though, promise.

My grandpa is gone for about a week starting tomorrow, and I'm looking forward to having some people over. Jacuzzi won't be running but I'm sure I can get it poppin with some Domino's pizza and 2 liters of soda with a movie lol. I just want to chill.

I remember...

How I felt that day...

Every now and then...

I wonder if you are finnnnne, every now and thennnnnn...

So I'm at Mindy's house right now, mad bored but about to eat lol. I got off the phone recently, and although I can't put her business out there, I'll just say that she's oddly/terribly/frighteningly/consequently in the same position as someone in my very recent history.

Then Amanda's old not-knowing-what-the-fuck-she-wants ass is on the phone with Mindy and damn, it's like everytime she seems to be getting better, she actually isn't. I guess at the very least I can be happy that she's not being a whore, just very very very iffy. And a funny ass revelation has just been revealed! lol...

I don't know, my world is funny, I'll just continue to rape it for every nickle and damn I can. Gone.

My physical's a shell

"Some say 'Hov, how'd you get so fly?'
I say 'From not being afraid to fall out the sky!'"
- Jay-Z

Ummmmm, I'll just leave it at that for today and let y'all hear the song.

Beach Chair

This whole 'life' shit?

Crazy. Fucking insane.

I'm looking all around me and I'm seeing things. God, am I finally turning into my twin? I was on the freeway coming home right now, and I promise you I almost left this universe, lmao.

Now though, I'm happy. I think she's happy, that's why. I don't think this happiness of hers will last too long though, it's becoming more and more obvious she still isn't really sure of her......direction. Shit's crazy because when I was in the car talking to her in that other realm, she did her fucking best to make me believe she really just didn't give a fuck anymore. Yet, if the little birds that keep landing on my shoulder are telling the truth, she DOES care. lol. I don't know, I'm kind of looking forward to this self-conceived time a few months from now where I'll hit her up just to check how she's been and she'll be happy. I lowkey fantasize about that day...

I saw Steph at the bowling alley tonight. Mad random lol. It was funny cuz like I walked in and Ace and Maury were planning on going to talk to her and the girls she was with but they hadn't done it yet, so I walked over like "Man I ain't scared, watch this." went over and grabbed Steph and gave her a hug lol. She was all extra embarrassed that she was kinda drunk and kept telling me to go away because she didn't want me to see her like that. (I was personally trippin off how she still valued my opinion so much.) Then, as she drank more, she started asking why I just left her like that and how she never expected that from me. All I could tell her was that it was a fucked up situation and I thought that was the best idea.

Kind of made me realize how strange I am to people. To them it seems like I can be the person closest to them one day and be gone and have completely forgotten about them the next. I never forget about people though, I ALWAYS check up on people whether they know about it or not (on some lowkey stalker shit, I can't front) but I do it out of love. I get attached to people quickly and it takes me a long time to let go of them but I never completely cut them out. To this day I still check on people like Laura, Chris and Selma just because I want to know that they're doing well. And really, when I exit-stage-left on people, it's just because I feel like I can't do anything to make anything better until they really figure out THEIR direction. So far it's worked pretty well, and anyone who ever really realized that I might just be worth their time has found their way back into my heart. I expect that tradition to continue fuh-eva. lol

But really I need to go to sleep now, Lakers play the Jazz at noon. Dueces.

Summer-y summary

It's getting hot out here, but not nearly as hot as it's GOING to get to be fair. It's 90 out right now, but I'm sure we'll have an average of about 100 during the summer. Fucking southern California deserts...

I kicked it with my cousin for the beginning of the day today, we did lots of riding on the freeway with the windows down and the music bumpin. I swear I love my cousin so much lol. When we're chillin together I don't give an aviated fuck about anything else. She's the one person I can actually let be real close to me now.

Speaking on that, I am now noticing an involuntary shift in my persona. I'm not exactly shunning people or being an asshole but I'm starting to get cold. Ironically it's because I'm not like them and their flaws are starting to irritate me more. But still, I chill.

Then I told Amanda what I was thinking about her the other night. I have so much love for that girl it's ridiculous. I not only see what shes going through but I can relate and truly understand. Everyone else can show her empathy while I can show her sympathy. I wish she opened up to me more though, but I don't think she sees what I see between us, for now at least. Then again, trying to explain what I see between us is incredibly difficult as the lines are so totally blurred it's hard to tell where they even might-maybe-possibly begin....... that's for another day though.

For now I'm going to get ready for work and see what kind of trouble I can get into tonight lol.

Gold Watch

I guess I got my swagger back

Momma done said I killed the man, well I guess I got the dagger back!

I am cold chillin right now, about to go get some gas and give my bitch a much needed bath. After that I have the whole day to myself. =) I might just go see my nephew again and give that nigga some diet tips because as soon as I started losing weight he GAINED it. lol, Lil' Dell is fat as fuck right now but it's cool cuz that just means he won't be fat when he gets older.

The only whack shit in my life right now is I have decided to be responsible with my money and rather than spend it on getting a new CD player for my car, which I really fucking want, I'm going to save up my little $200 and pay off my book loans from this semester. I thought I had it paid for but, hey, curveballs happen. After that it should be time for me to save up enough money for a new car.

Passat? Azera? Charger? Accord? Fusion? 500? Galant?

I have NO idea lmao. The good part is that pretty much no matter what I get I'll be happy. I think maybe even after this car I'll get myself a bike, but, we'll see.

Grandpa is going to be gone from the 20th through the 26th, and I told my uncle we just need to get the jacuzzi up and running so I can have some females over lol. I want to have a dimepiece over at the crib in the jacuzzi with me sippin on something while I _____ _ _____. So, hopefully we can make that happen. Anyways, it is now almost 12:30 and I woke up an hour ago so it's time to get my day started...

All I Need (Jay-Z)

The mini-depression

I've never been able to hold a negative emotion for a long time once I've been able to define it. The past week or so was filled with confusion and uncertainty and that's why I was having such a hard time finding pleasure in this all or even just finding out what the fuck I was going to do. Now though, I honestly have to say I think I'm good now.

My cousin came over and even though I THOUGHT I was good before she got here as soon as I started talking about how alone I felt and how I thought that I would never be able to be me and still make it in this world, I started bawling like a little bitch lol. My cousin didn't say shit, she just let me talk and that was exactly what I needed. It allowed me to comfort myself mentally, a la Dancing In The Rain. Then when I was done she just held me and told me everything I already knew and I felt bad for even crying at all. She said she was mad at me because I'm supposed to be the rock, and she knows I'm stronger than this. Like, I always knew exactly what I wanted and I let myself get sidetracked. I won't say it was some minor shit, because it really wasn't, but regardless I've never let shit knock me off-course and I can't let that start now........word.

*sigh*

lol, I'm really hoping that I'm done. I want to make this music, and I want it to be positive. I want to live my life, and I want it to be positive. I want my memory to live on, and I want it to be positive.

Enemies and obstacles are just a figment of my imagination and it's up to me not to let them catch me by surprise and get too powerful. It's all a bad dream, all I have to do is remember to open my eyes...

WHY THE FUCK IS THERE A PENGUIN EATING A LEMON ON MY BED!?!?!?!?!

lol, because shit like that isn't be stressed, it doesn't really matter. =)

Dancing In The Rain (again!)

Wasting My Breath

I'm so out of place. I was born at the wrong time, or the wrong place, or maybe both. I've never cried like this before. Like, my whole fucking body feels like it's dying and my consciousness is fading. All because this was the girl I was so sure I could make it work with. People are such fragile beings. They get hurt enough and they will mentally disallow themselves to be hurt again. I CAN'T be human. Like, is there not a point at which I will become bitter, jaded and untrusting? Or will I continue to allow everything around me crumble while I tell myself everything will get better, forever?

And I know people laugh at me. I know people take advantage of me. I know they will fuck me over if they ever get the chance. Still, I absolutely refuse to change who I am. I am stupid as fuck and I am insane. "Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results." - Albert Einstein

So why the fuck does she still admire me? Why do she tell me it's a shame I came just a little too late? Why can't she let go of all the bullshit she's clung to for just ONE more shot? If anyone, ever, it should be me. You live in the matrix babe. It sucks here on the outside, especially all alone. Even if you were to come with me I know it would still be terrible. Yet I know that if we both give it our all, we can change that. But it has to be US, I can't do it alone. I'm begging you. I'm begging you with everything I have because I know that if I do have to do this alone I will fail.

But maybe I'm just wasting my breath....

Suicidal Thoughts

Ain't nobody fuckin with my latte

"My brother, love him to death,
but with that love comes struggle and stress,
I want to snuff him and stretch his fuckin neck
every time he disrespects me. But to maintain the friendship,
I keep a buttoned lip,
is this some sick shit?
Am I passive?
Should I ask him why?
Why ask him..."
-CH

Not too much more to say tonight.

Nope, not done.

She thinks I'm making shit up. I'm starting to think I'm making shit up. I remember when there was the whole fuckery with Gabby, Ace and Mindy. Although I knew I was telling the truth when everyone kept saying I was lying, I started thinking maybe I WAS lying, that I had finally gone insane. That's the same feeling I have now.

I feel like Dr. Manhattan actually. I want to go to Mars because I just don't fit in here, and I never will. Maybe the whole world will be better off just thinking I'm a lying sack of shit. Maybe it's better to live without closure so that people can come to their own conclusions. Maybe doing that will show who really understood you in the first place.

I'm not sure how much longer I can play along. Yet, I'm also not sure how much longer I'll be under the impression I'm playing along at all.

Scariest shit happened to me today. I realized that one day I'm going to die and none of this shit will bug me anymore, and that thought pleased me. Thank God nobody reads this blog, if they did I'd smooth get sent to a 'facility' in the morning.

Hidden Bonus Track

Can It Be?

I slept better last night than I have in a week. Either I'm finally really over it or I've gotten myself so exhausted worrying about it that I HAD to sleep lmao.

So yeah, shit got just a little deeper with the ex. That girl needs Jesus, fuck it...

that girl needs Oprah!

I could only listen to so much truth from my friends and my idols before I'd be dumb for holding onto anger for the situation. "What could you do to me? It's not new to me!/ Sue me, FUCK YOU, what's a couple dollars to me?" especially. I was mad as FUCK though for about 10 minutes after I found out she was sending Dell pictures, I have to admit. I'm surprised with all the shit I punched I didn't break my hand lmao.

I got kind of mad at Dell for not taking himself out of the situation and allowing shit to even reach that point. He was pretty calm about it though and told me it's not his fault she sent him pictures, which is true. He DID tell me he was still going to have her over at his house for spring break though which as much as I trust him not to do anything with her, is still wrong to me because he would BLACK if I did something like that to him but that's something we still need to talk about.

And yet, I'm trying to think whether or not I would even be mad if he DID have sex with her. The immediate reaction, at least now, is no. I don't think there's too much more she can do to prove herself to be grimey, so I can't even be mad at her if she just further proves that point. At the same time though, I think it would be kind of foul for Dell to do that because he knows how I felt about her. We can sit here and say "Oh well we had something going before you were around." all day but your horny little teenage selves can't hold a flame to the feelings I had. So I guess we'll have to see what happens.

I didn't even feel like writing this blog because it's pretty fucking pointless, but I thought I might just need it for archival purposes in the future so I might as well. I hope my psychic powers aren't as good as they've already proven to be. =/

Anythang

I don't belong here.

I don't think anyone around me, in my age group at the VERY least, spends nearly as much time in philosophical thought as me. I utilize so much energy deciphering all the nuances around me that go unnoticed, and building them into a larger picture. I have an amazing power that' I'm willing to speak about now. Sometimes, admittedly more when high than when sober, I can separate my mind from my body. Sounds like bullshit I know. You don't have to believe me, but I can step outside and view the world around me from someone elses' perspective. I see me as the guy who doesn't fit in with my friends, I see some of my friends as fakers, and some of them as liars. Maybe I'm just a little insane...

Make my bro an exception. I think he's just like me because we're completely opposite for the most part. There is a very good possibility that he's realized the meaninglessness of the "reality" around him to the point that he rapes it as he feels and goes against the normal rules of the world. However, he slipped up somewhere and while the rules need not apply to him, they must apply to others around him FOR him. Don't lose me yet.

This all being said, I wish I could take a weeks vacation with no phone or contact with the outside world. And yet, I want the world to be on pause while I go away, so that everything's the same when I come back. Trippy shit is it really doesn't matter what happens when I'm gone because upon my arrival the world will still be the same. My whole family and group of friends could die, Obama could get assassinated, China could go to war with the United States and the sun will STILL fucking rise in the morning and set in the evening. I digress...

On the first day I would simply lay in the sun and relax my mind and body and adjust to my home for the week.

On the second day, because I'm on an island in the middle of somewhere, I would go swimming all day and see how deep I could dive, and how long I could hold my breath. I have a feeling it would be longer than usual, because there's no rush to be doing anything else...

On the third day I would explore the island, find how much different parts of it can be, geographically speaking. Then I would hike to the top of the active volcano on the island, and spark one...

On the fourth day I would track the sun, moon and the stars. I would discard all conventional astrology and find and subsequently name stars and constellations of my own. Probably after songs and albums, respectively.

On the fifth day I would swim with the fish and the dolphins. I would race a sea turtle. Then around midday I would watch birds. That's it, lol.

On the sixth day I would ride a lion. And play fetch with a cheetah. Then I would think about the women in my life, and how I gave them a part of me in vain...

On the seventh day I would light one and spend the rest of the day with my eyes closed, but awake, in an attempt to separate dreams from reality.

I have to do this whole life thing for now though. One day...

Dancing In The Rain

The beginning of "Up All Night"

So, she text me today like "So you think I cheated on you? WRONG. Your info is always wrong just like with the whole Floyd thing! blah blah blahhhhhhh" So I told her if what I was told is false she really needs to check her friends cuz it's crazy who starts talking when money's on the table lmao.

Anyways it's still SOOOOOO foul how she did me. Like not even that she did it, but that she did it to ME. Not to put myself on a pedestal but I'm honestly one of the last of my kind, a real kind nice gentleman who treats females like queens. And I gave her my all in the face of adversity in the form of lies and still she simply took advantage of it. So sad. People can get so hurt so early in their lives and let it continue to cast a shadow over their lives even with the horizon on the verge of arrival.

I can't front though, I would like to believe that she didn't cheat on me, that would be way easier to deal with. Instead I'm sitting here, drunk, and she's all that's in my mind. Even to the point I wish I could go back and catch her before her heart turned into a cold, sick stone and make sure the warmth in it never faded. I know life goes on but even the most righteous of humans can't help but wonder how much different things could be...

I need to shut up now, and listen to Below The Heavens tomorrow.

Peaccccce.

All Because She's Gone

=/

Winners and Losers

I'm a loser, but I'll never lose.

So, today I found out my ex was cheating on me the whole time. Not even on some she had another nigga on the side that she had feelings for shit. I mean like full blown fucking MAD other dudes and having them around me and shit type griminess. Which is kind of the worst way, but then again not really.

Let me start by saying I give her props for how smart, clever and sneaky she was about it. She had totally convinced me that the dudes she was talking to were just friends, that she just didn't like people going through her phone because she didn't like people in her business and that she would never cheat on me because she respected me far too much to ever do something like that. Or, well, she convinced me for about half a second.

Let me continue by saying that unfortunately for her, I'm still smarter than she ever will be. See, I had the feeling that the shit was going on the whole time and while it is true I brushed off most of the ideas in a true and honest attempt to trust her, I still saw all the signs and took note of all of them. I loved her, and I guess in some sense I still have love FOR her, that sense being that I feel sorry for her. Maybe what I found out is all part of some bigger shit that I don't even know about. I don't really care. Apparently somehow by me finding out and telling her she won a bet lmao.

Which brings to mind something she'll never understand: true strength. It's some real corny shit to say, but she's lost as fuck and needed to think she had power over something/someone (me) so she did whatever the fuck she felt like and marveled and how she still had me, or at least THOUGHT she had me, wrapped around her finger.

However, true strength doesn't come from overpowering others, it comes from being true to what you know deep down is right. That's what I've been doing since the first day I've been hurt, I've never changed how I acted out of spite or held a grudge against someone. I just kept doing me and stayed on the path I know I want to follow. I may be extremely kind, and some people might even say that it's to a fault and that people will ALWAYS take advantage of me. Yet, I'm a firm believer that good things happen to good people, but that good people aren't made; they're tested and raised. So, I really just see this as yet another test on my journey. I could almost be done, or I could be far from done. I may falter at points but I'll never sacrifice who I am in a moment of weakness.

So, yeah. I already know she'll see how wrong she was for doing it one day, or she'll live the rest of her life in faux-happiness. Either way, as my godfather Jay says it...... I will NOT lose.

Walking Away

AND

The Rain by Oran "Juice" Jones

The outro is classic! AHAHA

This Is Not A Love Post

I love rebuilding broken bridges though. Never burned, just broken. Squashed my problems with Amanda and Mindy although Mindy and I still need to sit down and really talk about it before we can go too much further. Makes me think one day I can sit down with G____ too but I doubt that will be any time soon.

Six Flags on the 24th! lol I'm dumb excited because I get to plan this trip meaning it will actually happen and it will happen the RIGHT way lmao.

Anyways not too much to get deep about here so I'll slide on out of here and get right back when I think I'm going crazy again. =)

This Is Not A Love Song

Eye Dee Sea

At least that's but I've been saying...

And yet still, I get this involuntary chill throughout my body every time I let my mind wander for too long. A scatter shot brain. That's what the fuck I have.

Allure

Happy April nigga

I think Mr. Ho has my mind buggin on some real shit. Before we had the discussion about 'reality', I only saw things from the outside when I was high as fuck. Now I'll just be chillin and start seeing things from afar. It's kind of scary really. I keep thinking about the whole big ass universe would be about the size of a quarter shit, and realizing that a quarter is small as fuck compared to me.....never mind the whole world. (If you ain't a follower that went right over your head.)

I went to a comedy show last night and saw Na'im Lynn again, dude is funny as fuck, check him out. It was in L.A. and damn did I ever feel out of place lmao. I walked up in there in my 501's, Jay's, an all red Karl Kani shirt and a fitted Angels cap and saw everyone else was wearing button-ups and scarfs and shit ahahahah a nigga had to take his fitted off to feel less niggerish, dead ass.

(insert interesting thoughts that I'm too scared to put out for fear of counseling)

See, counseling is funny. It basically keeps you in a box. I always wondered what would happen if say, for some reason, I woke up on a different planet one day. If I spent the day there and saw things nobody would believe. Then the next day I'm back on earth. I would never be able to tell anyone these things because they'd throw my black ass in Patton lol. Yet, these things being (presumably) real, me not saying anything stops the flow of knowledge. I don't know I'm black in right now so moving on....

How is life so meaningful yet ultimately futile?

The Beginning

Eye dee kay

I've got to ride this out. The hard part.

The part I knew I was getting myself into. The part where she walks away without me.

I can't be all in her ear during this part.

That's why I told her we can't be friends.

I want her to walk away.
I want her to get lost.
I want her to be afraid.

Then I want her to remember I'm still here.
And I want her to come back.

"Think we need some time away. They say if you love it, you should let it out if it's cage, and fuck it, if it comes back you know it's there to stay."

I'm about to go into meditation mode.

I & Me.