Turning point

How fucking cool that this gets to be the 100th blog? lol.

Ok, I won't be back until Monday or Tuesday, not sure which. That's also assuming everything goes well. I don't know these bad feelings have me madddd pessimistic these days.

I took the blog's address off my myspace, and I assume it has now become immensely more secure in who reads it. My pessimism thinks that nobody reads this and that I'm talking to myself and solving my own problems, but deep down it feels like someone is reading this blog and never says anything, they just want to make sure I'm ok. It might be God, but it might be you.

Ok so I met this girl. I've seen her around before, she works for the same company as me and out of the blue she was working with me for a day. I have this retarded ass crush on her. She's beautiful, she has the cutest fucking smile, she's smart, independent and when she says "fill" it sounds like she's saying "feel". LMAO. I had a chance, blew it, and now I'm going for redemption. She might be a little out of my league but really, fuck it, what the hell do I have to lose?

The other girl. I'm just chillin. I know how I think she feels even if she doesn't admit it. If she wants to keep acting like she likes me, I'll keep assuming she likes me, plain and simple. If she keeps it up for too long I'm going to try and do stuff to her, and see when she tells me to stop, if she doesn't tell me to stop, I'm not stopping. Simple as that complicated shit ahaha. If she asks how I feel, then I'll tell her I don't know, because I really fucking don't.

The other, other girl? Seems like she's doing ok. Good.

My car is acting way the fuck up. Now it's the transmission again, reverse slam and slipping when trying to engage 2nd gear. Probably a loose input shaft nut. Dumb drivers in traffic made me do it, had to slam on the gas, made my car jerk and voila, I'm going to have to pay to get this fixed. Fuck it, I HAVE to figure something out, so I will.

My mom. Well, as fucked up as this sounds I'm halfway expecting to get a call any day now saying that she was found dead. She came out to Cali to see us, I saw her once and then she disappeared and nobody has heard from her. I'm really hoping I'm wrong, because if I'm right I seriously fear for the ramifications. And I really wish I had someone who I could talk to about this, but I don't. I either feel like they wouldn't understand, wouldn't care, or I'd be too ashamed to start crying in front of any individual friend.

I go camping tomorrow though. It's going to be 3-4 days of closing my eyes just to see how heaven feels, even though I know when I open them it's back to this bullshit again. I love waking up not knowing what the day holds, and I love being around all those kids. Maybe I can guide them and help them in their lives', and if I do that, I know I'll feel better. I miss Lil' Lady Logic, her bitchy friend who is still cool when she stops being bitchy, all the little cousins, the guys who want to be like me and Ace but still have an aura of innocence, and that CUTE ASS LITTLE GIRL WHO NEVER TALKS BUT IS CUTER THAN ANY OTHER GIRL ALIVE lol. So, that's who I'm going to be with, plus a couple I forgot or didn't even feel like I had to mention.

Now I gotta go google Input Shaft Nut and pack some clothes so I can forget I ever had to google it in the first place.

PEACE.