Nothing ever goes as planned.

I hit up my ex again today, because shit was bugging in the back of my head. I wanted to know what I did wrong, and what he does right for her. I didn't come into it with hostility or anger or anything I just wanted understanding. Unfortunately for me, nobody ever really gets me, especially her.

So she tells me shit like oh he and I click and have been through the same shit in the past. Ok, cool, cool I can respect the fuck out of that. The shit that irked me though was she said he never pressured her, so I asked her like so I pressured you? She said yeah. And I like systematically went down a line of shit saying why I didn't feel like I pressured her. Not to prove a point, not to perpetuate an argument.......just for clarification. I don't know what about this caused her to just give up on the conversation, but that's what happened.

So I blacked and told her like nah nevermind just keep lying to yourself and forgetting what really happened so that your life can be easier. Maybe I shouldn't have done that, I don't know. I'm so fucking tired of wasting my breath though, not only do people misconstrue every word I speak they also misconstrue my intentions in the process. So, when Cameron comes in trying to find understanding and possibly better himself, he leaves having been threatened and just looking like the bad guy.

Dr. Manhattan type shit really. I could make an attempt to explain all of my actions but most people would still never understand even the most basic ideas. I don't say I'm not like any other nigga because I want to be different because Lord knows I'd give everything I've earned at this point to be JUST like them. Nah, I say I'm different because I'm way fucking different, period. So even trying to understand my actions fails miserably. I have yet to meet a person who I could relate to. The closest I've ever come is Cordell and it's only because we BOTH have never met a person we can truly relate to, even each other.

Music is the only love.

Which makes me not want to ever meet Charles Hamilton, or Blu, or Jay-Z, or Phonte because when I listen to their music I feel like these niggas truly understand this struggle and I can relate to them. Yet, if I were to meet them and how they are in person is nothing like their music? I fear I would feel alone.

And these fucking tears won't fall.

So on some Immortal Tech One Remix "If you're playing this album sometime far away from when I recorded this, remember that history isn't the way the corporate controlled media made it look like. Read between the lines and free your mind. Revolution is the birth of equality and the anti-thesis to oppression. But this is only built for real mother fuckers" type shit...

You girl, yes YOU. I will now have to force myself to stop giving a fuck. Wasting my breath was/is an understatement. I never wanted to change where you're going or slow your path there, I just wanted to know why you ever even chose that path and what I could do to make my path a little better for the next person that comes along. I'm either terrible at expressing myself or I'm not someone who can be understood in the first place. I think it's the latter, honestly. So in effect that's why I say fuck it and why I allow myself to be the bad guy, in your eyes. It's almost as if I wish I could die sometimes so that you would be damn near forced to only remember the good thoughts you have about me, even if only for the course of my funeral. People reject what they cannot understand, because they can't see the world from anywhere but their perspective. The vain of humanity if you ask me. So if you reject this because you don't understand it, I ask of you only to come back and go through it again in a year or something. Just don't give up. Read between the lines and free your mind.

=/