Real adult life.

No bueno.

As a kid you don't have to worry about things like, "Well if I get THIS insurance policy it's less per month, but if I get in an accident my deductible is high and I'll be screwed. However, I can have a lower deductible, but my monthly payments will be way bigger. Hmmmm..."

I wish I could go play handball again and be the king of handball at Walt Disney Elementary. Cuz this shit right here nigga!....this shit is whaaaack.

Whyyy the fuck not.

I have a mean ass headache. I'm tired. I'm stressed. I'm broke. I'm screwed.

Well, my grandpa is helping me out a wholllle lot by giving me a G for a down payment on this young car.

The deal is, my car is done. The transmission is fucked and is more or less just waiting to die completely. It would take at LEAST $2000 to fix, so I'm not going that route.

So, I'm getting a new car but all the ones I can afford need a warranty because they're so old, which makes them cost more. Smh. Lowkey, I just want this car to make it until February of next year without any major issues, and if the economy is back on track I'll be GOOD. I'll have a nice down payment from my tax refund and be making a lot more at work.

Not to mention now I won't be a first-time buyer when I'm REALLY trying to get a car.

The only part is getting through this tough part. If I get a car payment, and the at least $150 a month increase in my insurance, my finances will be incredibly tight. Basically to the point that my life will consist of nothing extra unless I get more than 24-26 hours a week. That's even considering I only spend $20 a week on food which is tough but not really impossible..... I guess. Plus now gas is going up so I'll probably end up spending more on that than I'm really accounting for.

Headache.

I only wrote this blog because I have to wait for my clothes to get out of the dryer anyways.

I hate that I knew some bullshit was on it's way, and unfortunately I already know how life likes to do me: combos. So, I'm bracing for it, no matter which direction it comes from. Hopefully everything I've learned up to this point will allow me to stay on my feet, even if I have to stumble for a while...

Logic Speaks

Such a beautiful color....

I can't do this blog exactly like I want to. Think about it: I spent a whole weekend with the majority of my time staring into the sky. How much I thought about doing that is near infinite so rather than reporting on all of that, I kind of have to write this blog for archival purposes.

Erin, Mariah, Kiani and two new girls, Kayla and Iman. Erin is good, she's starting to get on her grind with niggas but that's only to be expected and I trust her to make the right decisions. Mariah is WAY nicer now than she was when I first met her, and I also trust her in terms of dudes. Kayla is the good new one, she has some issues that she doesn't entirely open up about and she's incredibly self-conscious but she has a certain strength I can see and a certain spark in her that frighteningly reminds me, of me. Iman is a bad look, and she'll drag Kiani into her bullshit sooner or later. Sad, but probably true. I would love to be wrong though.

Why did I only talk about the girls? Because they are the future. Niggas will be niggas regardless, but I'm hoping I can make an impact in making sure these girls don't OD on all the bullshit going around. They seem to respect my opinion, so I'm doing ok in that sense for now at least.

But just to say it, RJ, Mharsaun, Marques, Gio, Schaffen are all doing well and are also menaces to spell check lmao.

Dell hit me up, and he apologized, yet I still think we need to speak face to face to get back on track.

My crush is over, I think.

My car is probably on it's way out the door, and unfortunately I'm not 100% that the money I make will qualify me for a loan to get a new one. Faith endures though.

Cousins car broke down, and she's probably going to be in the same position as me, or vice versa, not sure...

And honestly, I'm going to stop writing this blog, my mind is on some other shit right now and I feel like I'm confusing you/myself so.....yeah.

Turning point

How fucking cool that this gets to be the 100th blog? lol.

Ok, I won't be back until Monday or Tuesday, not sure which. That's also assuming everything goes well. I don't know these bad feelings have me madddd pessimistic these days.

I took the blog's address off my myspace, and I assume it has now become immensely more secure in who reads it. My pessimism thinks that nobody reads this and that I'm talking to myself and solving my own problems, but deep down it feels like someone is reading this blog and never says anything, they just want to make sure I'm ok. It might be God, but it might be you.

Ok so I met this girl. I've seen her around before, she works for the same company as me and out of the blue she was working with me for a day. I have this retarded ass crush on her. She's beautiful, she has the cutest fucking smile, she's smart, independent and when she says "fill" it sounds like she's saying "feel". LMAO. I had a chance, blew it, and now I'm going for redemption. She might be a little out of my league but really, fuck it, what the hell do I have to lose?

The other girl. I'm just chillin. I know how I think she feels even if she doesn't admit it. If she wants to keep acting like she likes me, I'll keep assuming she likes me, plain and simple. If she keeps it up for too long I'm going to try and do stuff to her, and see when she tells me to stop, if she doesn't tell me to stop, I'm not stopping. Simple as that complicated shit ahaha. If she asks how I feel, then I'll tell her I don't know, because I really fucking don't.

The other, other girl? Seems like she's doing ok. Good.

My car is acting way the fuck up. Now it's the transmission again, reverse slam and slipping when trying to engage 2nd gear. Probably a loose input shaft nut. Dumb drivers in traffic made me do it, had to slam on the gas, made my car jerk and voila, I'm going to have to pay to get this fixed. Fuck it, I HAVE to figure something out, so I will.

My mom. Well, as fucked up as this sounds I'm halfway expecting to get a call any day now saying that she was found dead. She came out to Cali to see us, I saw her once and then she disappeared and nobody has heard from her. I'm really hoping I'm wrong, because if I'm right I seriously fear for the ramifications. And I really wish I had someone who I could talk to about this, but I don't. I either feel like they wouldn't understand, wouldn't care, or I'd be too ashamed to start crying in front of any individual friend.

I go camping tomorrow though. It's going to be 3-4 days of closing my eyes just to see how heaven feels, even though I know when I open them it's back to this bullshit again. I love waking up not knowing what the day holds, and I love being around all those kids. Maybe I can guide them and help them in their lives', and if I do that, I know I'll feel better. I miss Lil' Lady Logic, her bitchy friend who is still cool when she stops being bitchy, all the little cousins, the guys who want to be like me and Ace but still have an aura of innocence, and that CUTE ASS LITTLE GIRL WHO NEVER TALKS BUT IS CUTER THAN ANY OTHER GIRL ALIVE lol. So, that's who I'm going to be with, plus a couple I forgot or didn't even feel like I had to mention.

Now I gotta go google Input Shaft Nut and pack some clothes so I can forget I ever had to google it in the first place.

PEACE.

Bad feelings

Mild depression.

I really think my world is going to come crashing down any day now, and I'm silently ready. At least I hope I am.

If I can't even muster up enough hope to write this blog, imagine what it's like inside my mind right now...

Bad.

I have a bad feeling about my mom. I'm hoping she didn't relapse, I'm hoping she's still ok, and I'm hoping my feelings about this are wrong.

Like, really, really hoping...

Well isn't this awkward...

In Case It Doesn't Work Out

In Case I Actually Get Her

I see why Charles Hamilton kept that shit in for so long. Those two songs perfectly describe my situation. Even to the point that at the end of In Case It Doesn't Work Out he acknowledges how fucked up his thinking he is, and still ends like "But if I only had you..."

Music is the only love.

So, I need to confide all my feelings in music, and trust them never to be released. That's why I love music, you can say and explain everything down to the very last detail and yet it would still be open to interpretation. Fuck words, write lyrics. Fuck talking, sing. Fuck hitting the wall, play the keys.

I'm so in my own world right now...

My buddy, my buddy.

My most trusted adviser, lol.

I talked to her about some things and she gave me some interesting things to think about. She told me that if I'm better at playing the game, why switch up the game? Play the SAME game, and do it BETTER.

Shit's crazy because I been known I need to stop telling (most) people how I feel, but I went ahead and did it again anyways. I got Lakers' syndrome lol. If I remember what I have to do to win, NOBODY is about to stop me. If I forget what I learned before, I'm going to lose and have to learn this lesson the hard way, all over again.

By my count it is now Game 4, I'm down in the series 1-2 to this scrappy young team I should have had no problem with. My team is flush with veterans, but for whatever reason we keep getting complacent. We have to start this game right, come out guns a blazin', and with absolute lock-down defense. You know, let the other team know we're here to win and there's nothing they can do to stop us.

95.

Did I ever mention that I fucking hate that girl? Well I do. I asked her straight up if she never sees a future for us, romantically and just wants to stay friends. She said yeah.

Bear in mind she's saying this while at my house, laying in my bed, where she CHOSE to lay. And after all the shit I gave her the benefit of the doubt could have been just me constructing the chemistry between us in my own little world, Maury said not only has he seen it, but he spoke to her about it recently too. He told her how I felt about her and she kind of shrugged it off, and stays acting the same to this day.

So I say fuck it. She just fucks with my head for her own amusement and while she was the sole exception to my new mentality since it's inception, she is now in the group with the rest of these females. Sure, we're still friends but she's about to see how different it is between me having love for you and treating you like every other bitch. Congratulations, dumbass girl.

For the record though these past couple days been mad dope, although it might not seem like it lol. Just had this shit on my mind and figured I might as well speak on it while I still give even the slightest of shits. Which really, won't last long.

Cookies and Apple Juice

This shit is funny. This beast that I've become, and the situation it puts me in. Fucking hilarious.

I'm halfway considering falling back from even putting the few feelings I have on here, and leaving them strictly to music. But, we'll see.

So today? It went ok-awkward-awkward-ok-good-ok. I kissed her on the forehead, but much is left to the conversation we have. I almost cried listening to So(ul) Amazing on the way home. I talked to Gabby a lot, she says I'm her big brother now and the pressure is definitely on. She said she's down to get me a couple outfielders for my summer league team lmao. Scouting a couple players too. SAW MY BROTHERS, good shit, I love them niggas. Some nigga caught feelings because his bitch wanted me, so he did donuts to show off ahahahaha. Preparing to go camping next weekend, Lord knows I need that shit. Just Wanna Love U is now in permanent rotation for karaoke, that shit shut the whole place down. I have bowling in less than 7 hours sooooo

Gone.