2/24/09

Communication is key.

I don't want to lose this girl.

But, what would be even worse is HAVING to lose this girl.

I'm getting in uncharted waters, but I haven't gotten so deep that I can no longer see clearly. So, when I get put into a situation where I NEED to be able to see clearly, and from multiple perspectives, I can still do that.

I apologized for what I know I did wrong. I ended up changing my plans at the last minute, even if I did let her know once the decision was made. I put it in her head that we would be spending time together and I took that away. So for that, I apologized.

I won't apologize as if I never put her first though. I've started falling out of touch with everyone I was close with before I got close to her, because I spend almost all of my free time with her. So I feel like when I give you 99%, you should NOT trip when I spend that last one percent somewhere else. To be honest, before I even met her, I didn't want a relationship like this. I wanted my time and space and I wanted to give my girlfriend her's as well. We would see each other a couple times a week, text each other to say good morning and good night and that would be it. So, even being in this position violates my ideals.

For her, maybe the sticking point was that I was leaving her to go to the strip club. Or maybe it was that she was going through some shit tonight and I was leaving her behind. Or maybe it was that I said we would be spending time together and didn't really end up doing it. Or maybe it was a combination of all three.

The sticking point for me is that I have NO fucking idea which one of those it is because she refuses to communicate with me. I admit my fucking mistakes, and even if I don't feel like I've done anything wrong I'll try to make amends so that we don't come across that kind of thing again. You fucking talk, I'll fucking listen. Maybe we won't agree by the end of the night, but at least we'll know where each other are coming from and can think about it on our own time.

Just to be dead ass serious, Logic is telling me to end the whole thing right now. The problems seen at the beginning only get worse as times goes on, and I was told this by someone much more intelligent, experienced and content than me. But, I want to work with her in trying to communicate better. Ok, communicating always been a problem for you, I understand and accept that. However, if you don't make the attempt to work with me, I'll have to do what I know is best in the end for me and walk away before it gets any worse.

You HAVE to try. You'll dislike it, maybe even hate it, maybe even loathe it. But to keep me around you HAVE to try. Maybe I should feel that I need to accept you the way you are, flaws and all, but I don't. A relationship should be an elevating experience, where I learn from you and you learn from me about how to be better people all around.

I don't want to walk away from her, but my vision's still clear enough to know that I just might have to.

Unfortunately, Logic Speaks.

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