Peep the song in the player, and then realize that instead of applying it to my city, I'm applying it to my circle of friends. Some major cuts on the way mostly because I'm tired of all the disrespect and lack of appreciation.
"It's DISGUSTING man...Keep my name out your motha fuckin mouth. There's no more room for jealousy, we're DESTROYING and REBUILDING, that means the cowards get out and the real niggas stay."
6/19/09
6/16/09
Love being me.
I love being me. I know I have to look like an idiot to some people reading this with all my back and forth can't make up my mind shit, but I came to yet another conclusion tonight about stupid girl.
I'm going to act like I love her as much as I do love her.
This has so many ways it can backfire but I really need to stop with the bullshit. I got caught up in games, and my frustrations and angst then caught up with me. No more catching an attitude with her, no more getting angry when she does something stupid, I'm just going to smile at her every chance I get and treat her like she's the most precious thing in this world.
I don't know how long I can keep it up, but hopefully just as long as she deserves it....forever. Now, that's not to say something needs to come out of it, because there's a good chance nothing will. However, I should already know that nothing really comes out of anything, it's what YOU put into it that matters.
Part of this came with the realization that even if we WERE to officially start talking again or whatever, things still wouldn't work out, because we'd still both be in this same mode of how we treat each other. I know I'd get upset, inside at LEAST, if she was talking to a bunch of dudes, but if I want to be the only one I've got to do something to put myself in the position to be the only one worth talking to in the first place.
And if none of it works, nobody can point a finger at me and say I didn't do enough. Playing the games more or less got me to where I wanted to be with her, but not consistently, which is really the true goal. It's funny I'm saying/thinking all this but as far as I know right now we haven't talked in a couple days because of all the fuckery that surrounded the situation from all sides. Yet, I have an ironic faith that this is my chance, and this is my time.
So we'll see what happens. I'm always down to put my heart out on a cliff just in case it might finally feel what it's like to ALMOST fall and break again, before finally being saved.
I'm going to act like I love her as much as I do love her.
This has so many ways it can backfire but I really need to stop with the bullshit. I got caught up in games, and my frustrations and angst then caught up with me. No more catching an attitude with her, no more getting angry when she does something stupid, I'm just going to smile at her every chance I get and treat her like she's the most precious thing in this world.
I don't know how long I can keep it up, but hopefully just as long as she deserves it....forever. Now, that's not to say something needs to come out of it, because there's a good chance nothing will. However, I should already know that nothing really comes out of anything, it's what YOU put into it that matters.
Part of this came with the realization that even if we WERE to officially start talking again or whatever, things still wouldn't work out, because we'd still both be in this same mode of how we treat each other. I know I'd get upset, inside at LEAST, if she was talking to a bunch of dudes, but if I want to be the only one I've got to do something to put myself in the position to be the only one worth talking to in the first place.
And if none of it works, nobody can point a finger at me and say I didn't do enough. Playing the games more or less got me to where I wanted to be with her, but not consistently, which is really the true goal. It's funny I'm saying/thinking all this but as far as I know right now we haven't talked in a couple days because of all the fuckery that surrounded the situation from all sides. Yet, I have an ironic faith that this is my chance, and this is my time.
So we'll see what happens. I'm always down to put my heart out on a cliff just in case it might finally feel what it's like to ALMOST fall and break again, before finally being saved.
6/14/09
What to do
Drama. Bullshit. Lies. Frustration. Immaturity. Maturity. Pain. Love. Doing too much. Doing too little. Disappointment. Anger. Respect. Tears. Lack of faith. Too much faith. Patience. Volatility. Loneliness. Loneliness being filled with emptiness.
And it was all good just a week ago.
And it was all good just a week ago.
6/11/09
If I make you a song...
I SHOULD make you a song and never let you hear it...
My cousins trippin. Apparently I've been avoiding her since her car broke down. Even though Friday night I invited her to come to karaoke, picked her up and chilled with her after and on Sunday took her to lunch and spent at least 2 hours with her. She says I was bored and karaoke and took her to lunch out of pity.
Wow.
It's crazy because I've always put my cousin before everyone else and I really do love her more than anyone else. So, while it was just probably her being the way I know she can be sometimes, on her Facebook she said some stupid shit like "Alyssa W. Is taking apps 4 new family members & friends..interested??"
Double Wow.
So now I have to go over there, deal with her little attitude and tell her never to say some stupid shit like that ever again in life. I'm so fucking busy these days though man. I still haven't seen my littlest brother and sisters, haven't seen my little brothers in a while, and haven't seen Ben in a LONG time. My cousin should really be grateful I see her as much as I do. Smh, whatever dog.
I gotta go write a song to my weakness that I don't think I'll ever let her hear...
My cousins trippin. Apparently I've been avoiding her since her car broke down. Even though Friday night I invited her to come to karaoke, picked her up and chilled with her after and on Sunday took her to lunch and spent at least 2 hours with her. She says I was bored and karaoke and took her to lunch out of pity.
Wow.
It's crazy because I've always put my cousin before everyone else and I really do love her more than anyone else. So, while it was just probably her being the way I know she can be sometimes, on her Facebook she said some stupid shit like "Alyssa W. Is taking apps 4 new family members & friends..interested??"
Double Wow.
So now I have to go over there, deal with her little attitude and tell her never to say some stupid shit like that ever again in life. I'm so fucking busy these days though man. I still haven't seen my littlest brother and sisters, haven't seen my little brothers in a while, and haven't seen Ben in a LONG time. My cousin should really be grateful I see her as much as I do. Smh, whatever dog.
I gotta go write a song to my weakness that I don't think I'll ever let her hear...
6/9/09
Lost in a whirlpool
*sigh*
Ok, maybe it changed things a little more than I'd like to think.
To me it's still this sort of surreal occurrence that I'm not entirely sure even happened in reality. Everything and everyone around me seems the same. Yet, I feel different.
Looking at it optimistically, she finally feels comfortable with me. Maybe even safe. Like, when she's alone with me I take all of her pain away. Maybe I just numb it.
Looking at it pessimistically, she feels that way with everybody in that situation.
Yet, it's still this kind of big relief, that all I wanted was for things to be like that consistently and there's a chance it could end up that way. Not to say it WILL, because Lord knows it could have been a once-in-a-lifetime thing, especially how everything went...
So I know I have to chill, and see what moves I need to make. I've learned how she signals those moves now, and while subtle, I can see right through her. I see her pain, and even if I'm just there to make it go away for a short while, if I can, I will.
Then we'll see if the sun still shines a little brighter the next day...
Ok, maybe it changed things a little more than I'd like to think.
To me it's still this sort of surreal occurrence that I'm not entirely sure even happened in reality. Everything and everyone around me seems the same. Yet, I feel different.
Looking at it optimistically, she finally feels comfortable with me. Maybe even safe. Like, when she's alone with me I take all of her pain away. Maybe I just numb it.
Looking at it pessimistically, she feels that way with everybody in that situation.
Yet, it's still this kind of big relief, that all I wanted was for things to be like that consistently and there's a chance it could end up that way. Not to say it WILL, because Lord knows it could have been a once-in-a-lifetime thing, especially how everything went...
So I know I have to chill, and see what moves I need to make. I've learned how she signals those moves now, and while subtle, I can see right through her. I see her pain, and even if I'm just there to make it go away for a short while, if I can, I will.
Then we'll see if the sun still shines a little brighter the next day...
6/7/09
lol, WOW...
I think I just got my lines swagger jacked and reused lmao, that shit is collllld.
ANYWAYS...
Tastes like candy, smells like flowers.
But I just played in the garden, I didn't go much further. I COULDN'T. Hmm, maybe next time. I don't think this complicates things much, but it certainly makes them more interesting.
Lack of details....story of my life.
Past few days have been real cool though, not too much to report on but I think a few things are starting to swing back my way. And I like it. =)
ANYWAYS...
Tastes like candy, smells like flowers.
But I just played in the garden, I didn't go much further. I COULDN'T. Hmm, maybe next time. I don't think this complicates things much, but it certainly makes them more interesting.
Lack of details....story of my life.
Past few days have been real cool though, not too much to report on but I think a few things are starting to swing back my way. And I like it. =)
6/3/09
Stay In Your Lane
I got the car, love it. Moving on...
We just had an encounter with police again. Me, Ace, Maury and the other people who are relatively obsolete to this story lol. We were playing basketball at the park, had just finished and were leaving when a cop pulled up. He was shining his light at us, mind you from at least 200 feet away, and Maury yelled, "Turn that damn light off!". So as we continue leaving, I'm at the head of the group with another guy and the cop asks who is the smart mouth who said to turn the light off. We both said we didn't know, and Maury yells it AGAIN from over on the court. Guys voice, only 2 guys in the back it could have been. I don't think the cop heard it the second time though. Moving on...
He asks us how old we are, asks if we have ids because the park closes at 10 and he can tow our cars blah blah blah. Then he asks us who has the smart mouth. Ace and Maury are kind of standing directly in front of the cop, while I'm off to the side. The cop singles out Ace like "Was it you with the smartass mouth?" Ace says, "No, can I ask why you're singling me out of everybody here?" and the cop says "Because you're the one who has the arrogant look on your face." Moving on...
So, none of us ended up getting tickets and as we're all preparing to pull away, me Ace and Maury are in the car and I'm telling Maury jokingly like "Haha, damn how many times are you going to be smart to a cop and still expect to get away with it?" and the cop walks up to the window and once again singles out Ace. "Are you over here talking shit again?" Ace replies, in a raised voice "NO! I JUST SAID BYE TO THEM AND THAT WE'LL SEE THEM LATER!" The cop is like "Don't fuck with me man, all that shit talking means nothing to me. I worked in L.A. for 15 years, most of them in South Central. You better calm that down." blah blah blah we all leave no harm no foul. Moving on...
So, in the car I address the issue with Ace that I will also address here. I told him that he WAS raising the voice at the cop, he DOES have an arrogant look on his face and that this will all end up backfiring on him one day. Keep in mind that I'm on his side, I don't really like 95% of cops, and this is my friend who I consider family. He still refuses to hear ANYTHING I'm saying. "Nah blood I didn't raise my voice to him. How do I have an arrogant look on my face? He was just fucking with me because when he saw us at the court I had my shirt off and then when I put it on I was wearing a white tee he was just stereotyping me."
*sigh*
I told him, he knows he has an arrogant look on his face, because he's an arrogant person. His problem is he doesn't know when to turn that shit off. Then, even if he was stereotyping you, understand that he's stereotyping ALL of us. Even if he did do a little harder on you in your mind, you still should have just avoided the situation as much as possible because you already KNOW he's going to fuck with you. When he came to the window instead of raising your voice and speaking in a disrespectful tone, you SHOULD have just said "No, sir." HOW FUCKING HARD IS THAT? You want a ticket because you refuse to turn off your arrogance when you're already in the wrong? Ok, then I'll go harder.
THAT'S why you don't have a job. Because you're too cool and just don't care and "It is what it is." That's why you're broke. That's why you're not a happy person and we ALL know why. People who just don't give a fuck end up broke, with kids, in jail. Point blank, period. If you feel it makes you look cool, then keep acting like that. Really, it just makes you look stupid as fuck. Not to mention of all the people there you were the one least capable of paying a ticket if you got one. Shit, you'd probably have to get a ride from your mom to your court date. Sorry, it's the truth though.
Moral of the story is, part of maturity is learning when to swallow your pride. If you can't do that, you'll fall behind, which you have done. Now you can either try to catch up or fall further and further behind until nobody even wants to fuck with you anymore.
And I'll be telling this to you tomorrow.
We just had an encounter with police again. Me, Ace, Maury and the other people who are relatively obsolete to this story lol. We were playing basketball at the park, had just finished and were leaving when a cop pulled up. He was shining his light at us, mind you from at least 200 feet away, and Maury yelled, "Turn that damn light off!". So as we continue leaving, I'm at the head of the group with another guy and the cop asks who is the smart mouth who said to turn the light off. We both said we didn't know, and Maury yells it AGAIN from over on the court. Guys voice, only 2 guys in the back it could have been. I don't think the cop heard it the second time though. Moving on...
He asks us how old we are, asks if we have ids because the park closes at 10 and he can tow our cars blah blah blah. Then he asks us who has the smart mouth. Ace and Maury are kind of standing directly in front of the cop, while I'm off to the side. The cop singles out Ace like "Was it you with the smartass mouth?" Ace says, "No, can I ask why you're singling me out of everybody here?" and the cop says "Because you're the one who has the arrogant look on your face." Moving on...
So, none of us ended up getting tickets and as we're all preparing to pull away, me Ace and Maury are in the car and I'm telling Maury jokingly like "Haha, damn how many times are you going to be smart to a cop and still expect to get away with it?" and the cop walks up to the window and once again singles out Ace. "Are you over here talking shit again?" Ace replies, in a raised voice "NO! I JUST SAID BYE TO THEM AND THAT WE'LL SEE THEM LATER!" The cop is like "Don't fuck with me man, all that shit talking means nothing to me. I worked in L.A. for 15 years, most of them in South Central. You better calm that down." blah blah blah we all leave no harm no foul. Moving on...
So, in the car I address the issue with Ace that I will also address here. I told him that he WAS raising the voice at the cop, he DOES have an arrogant look on his face and that this will all end up backfiring on him one day. Keep in mind that I'm on his side, I don't really like 95% of cops, and this is my friend who I consider family. He still refuses to hear ANYTHING I'm saying. "Nah blood I didn't raise my voice to him. How do I have an arrogant look on my face? He was just fucking with me because when he saw us at the court I had my shirt off and then when I put it on I was wearing a white tee he was just stereotyping me."
*sigh*
I told him, he knows he has an arrogant look on his face, because he's an arrogant person. His problem is he doesn't know when to turn that shit off. Then, even if he was stereotyping you, understand that he's stereotyping ALL of us. Even if he did do a little harder on you in your mind, you still should have just avoided the situation as much as possible because you already KNOW he's going to fuck with you. When he came to the window instead of raising your voice and speaking in a disrespectful tone, you SHOULD have just said "No, sir." HOW FUCKING HARD IS THAT? You want a ticket because you refuse to turn off your arrogance when you're already in the wrong? Ok, then I'll go harder.
THAT'S why you don't have a job. Because you're too cool and just don't care and "It is what it is." That's why you're broke. That's why you're not a happy person and we ALL know why. People who just don't give a fuck end up broke, with kids, in jail. Point blank, period. If you feel it makes you look cool, then keep acting like that. Really, it just makes you look stupid as fuck. Not to mention of all the people there you were the one least capable of paying a ticket if you got one. Shit, you'd probably have to get a ride from your mom to your court date. Sorry, it's the truth though.
Moral of the story is, part of maturity is learning when to swallow your pride. If you can't do that, you'll fall behind, which you have done. Now you can either try to catch up or fall further and further behind until nobody even wants to fuck with you anymore.
And I'll be telling this to you tomorrow.
6/1/09
Just Might Be Okay
I'm about 3 hours from sitting in my new car and driving it off the lot into the future. 2007 Ford Fusion S. I'll post pictures later, possibly. My payments will be higher than I wanted, my insurance will be much higher than I wanted but I'm completely willing to be broke for some months if it means not having to drive around expecting my car to break down every time I hit a corner, or not start before I go to work.
Trading in the Saturn for $500. lol, seems like so little for how much me and that car went through. The epitome of a love/hate relationship. I never gave my car a name, but she was a girl and I always just called her "My Bitch" lmao. Which was kinda true, cuz she was just my bitch until I got in a real relationship. I'm about to step into a real relationship now, I hope this girl treats me right. I won't be able to do as much as I used to, but that's what happens when you're in a committed relationship.
lol, metaphors are ill.
So as of right now I'm just kinda zoned in on that, putting some more music on my mp3 player because my new car has an AUX port so I can just plug it in and go. I'll probably end up writing another blog tonight, but we'll see.
Trading in the Saturn for $500. lol, seems like so little for how much me and that car went through. The epitome of a love/hate relationship. I never gave my car a name, but she was a girl and I always just called her "My Bitch" lmao. Which was kinda true, cuz she was just my bitch until I got in a real relationship. I'm about to step into a real relationship now, I hope this girl treats me right. I won't be able to do as much as I used to, but that's what happens when you're in a committed relationship.
lol, metaphors are ill.
So as of right now I'm just kinda zoned in on that, putting some more music on my mp3 player because my new car has an AUX port so I can just plug it in and go. I'll probably end up writing another blog tonight, but we'll see.
5/29/09
Real adult life.
No bueno.
As a kid you don't have to worry about things like, "Well if I get THIS insurance policy it's less per month, but if I get in an accident my deductible is high and I'll be screwed. However, I can have a lower deductible, but my monthly payments will be way bigger. Hmmmm..."
I wish I could go play handball again and be the king of handball at Walt Disney Elementary. Cuz this shit right here nigga!....this shit is whaaaack.
As a kid you don't have to worry about things like, "Well if I get THIS insurance policy it's less per month, but if I get in an accident my deductible is high and I'll be screwed. However, I can have a lower deductible, but my monthly payments will be way bigger. Hmmmm..."
I wish I could go play handball again and be the king of handball at Walt Disney Elementary. Cuz this shit right here nigga!....this shit is whaaaack.
5/28/09
Whyyy the fuck not.
I have a mean ass headache. I'm tired. I'm stressed. I'm broke. I'm screwed.
Well, my grandpa is helping me out a wholllle lot by giving me a G for a down payment on this young car.
The deal is, my car is done. The transmission is fucked and is more or less just waiting to die completely. It would take at LEAST $2000 to fix, so I'm not going that route.
So, I'm getting a new car but all the ones I can afford need a warranty because they're so old, which makes them cost more. Smh. Lowkey, I just want this car to make it until February of next year without any major issues, and if the economy is back on track I'll be GOOD. I'll have a nice down payment from my tax refund and be making a lot more at work.
Not to mention now I won't be a first-time buyer when I'm REALLY trying to get a car.
The only part is getting through this tough part. If I get a car payment, and the at least $150 a month increase in my insurance, my finances will be incredibly tight. Basically to the point that my life will consist of nothing extra unless I get more than 24-26 hours a week. That's even considering I only spend $20 a week on food which is tough but not really impossible..... I guess. Plus now gas is going up so I'll probably end up spending more on that than I'm really accounting for.
Headache.
I only wrote this blog because I have to wait for my clothes to get out of the dryer anyways.
I hate that I knew some bullshit was on it's way, and unfortunately I already know how life likes to do me: combos. So, I'm bracing for it, no matter which direction it comes from. Hopefully everything I've learned up to this point will allow me to stay on my feet, even if I have to stumble for a while...
Logic Speaks
Well, my grandpa is helping me out a wholllle lot by giving me a G for a down payment on this young car.
The deal is, my car is done. The transmission is fucked and is more or less just waiting to die completely. It would take at LEAST $2000 to fix, so I'm not going that route.
So, I'm getting a new car but all the ones I can afford need a warranty because they're so old, which makes them cost more. Smh. Lowkey, I just want this car to make it until February of next year without any major issues, and if the economy is back on track I'll be GOOD. I'll have a nice down payment from my tax refund and be making a lot more at work.
Not to mention now I won't be a first-time buyer when I'm REALLY trying to get a car.
The only part is getting through this tough part. If I get a car payment, and the at least $150 a month increase in my insurance, my finances will be incredibly tight. Basically to the point that my life will consist of nothing extra unless I get more than 24-26 hours a week. That's even considering I only spend $20 a week on food which is tough but not really impossible..... I guess. Plus now gas is going up so I'll probably end up spending more on that than I'm really accounting for.
Headache.
I only wrote this blog because I have to wait for my clothes to get out of the dryer anyways.
I hate that I knew some bullshit was on it's way, and unfortunately I already know how life likes to do me: combos. So, I'm bracing for it, no matter which direction it comes from. Hopefully everything I've learned up to this point will allow me to stay on my feet, even if I have to stumble for a while...
Logic Speaks
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