Love being me.

I love being me. I know I have to look like an idiot to some people reading this with all my back and forth can't make up my mind shit, but I came to yet another conclusion tonight about stupid girl.

I'm going to act like I love her as much as I do love her.

This has so many ways it can backfire but I really need to stop with the bullshit. I got caught up in games, and my frustrations and angst then caught up with me. No more catching an attitude with her, no more getting angry when she does something stupid, I'm just going to smile at her every chance I get and treat her like she's the most precious thing in this world.

I don't know how long I can keep it up, but hopefully just as long as she deserves it....forever. Now, that's not to say something needs to come out of it, because there's a good chance nothing will. However, I should already know that nothing really comes out of anything, it's what YOU put into it that matters.

Part of this came with the realization that even if we WERE to officially start talking again or whatever, things still wouldn't work out, because we'd still both be in this same mode of how we treat each other. I know I'd get upset, inside at LEAST, if she was talking to a bunch of dudes, but if I want to be the only one I've got to do something to put myself in the position to be the only one worth talking to in the first place.

And if none of it works, nobody can point a finger at me and say I didn't do enough. Playing the games more or less got me to where I wanted to be with her, but not consistently, which is really the true goal. It's funny I'm saying/thinking all this but as far as I know right now we haven't talked in a couple days because of all the fuckery that surrounded the situation from all sides. Yet, I have an ironic faith that this is my chance, and this is my time.

So we'll see what happens. I'm always down to put my heart out on a cliff just in case it might finally feel what it's like to ALMOST fall and break again, before finally being saved.