Fingers in my ears

I'm highkey tired as hell. Emotional rollercoasters along with the physical ones I went on Saturday. I want to walk away, leave her high and dry and THAT'S when she finally decides to open up. I can be there for her as a friend but if I don't see her beginning to truly improve I'm walking the fuck away.

This other girl though, wow, she seems pretty fucking amazing. I haven't seen her since I met her but we've been texting a lot and everything I said I wanted, she just might be. Maybe it's because she's older and had already been through that 'phase', or maybe it's because she's had so much drama and hardship, or maybe it's a little of both. Either way, I really can't wait for our little date on Wednesday, I have a feeling it will go very well. Plus, she basically told me I need to be goofy and outgoing to hang so if I have to be goofy, we'll see if SHE can keep up with just how goofy I can really be lol.

Yet, whatever happens in any case, I don't want to give too much of myself out right now, I'm still focused on me. Shit, I haven't even really gotten a good night's sleep in a while, nevermind some time to myself to just chill and not have anything to do or anywhere to go. To increase the standards by which those around me are held accountable for, I must first increase the standards for myself. So, that's the goal.

Read a few books, write a few songs and if there's people down for the journey and not just down for the ride, they can come with me. Think about that.

Logic Speaks

Out of this world, out of my mind.

Yesterday was the first time that I can honestly say I came to the realization that stupid girl is a stupid girl and not worth my time. I been KNOWN, but there's a difference between knowing something and then applying it to your reality.

So some nigga she met was with us or whatever and I basically avoided them all day until the very end and by that point even when they were all hugged up and cuddling and shit I honestly felt no particular way about it. If anything it amazes me how I got taken for granted on such a large scale, how much she really just doesn't care about how I feel about her and basically doesn't give a fuck about me at all.

So I just kind of realized that if she's happy and comfortable over in this niggas arms instead of mine, there's not a god damn thing I can do about it. I've done all I can and if I'm lucky the best that will come out of this is a few years from now she'll be in a terrible position and find herself regretful that she did me like this.

"You love me baby...
Unlove me baby
Let me be
Set me free
You near me baby?
Not nearly baby
You're saying I'm your friend
Then why're we at the end?
But I should be ashamed 'cause I
Let you treat me this way and I've
Known all this time
I should have been using
The right side of my brain"

With no regrets.

Might be a new chapter coming up soon, but I'll let you know when the wheels start rolling.

Destroy and Rebuild

Peep the song in the player, and then realize that instead of applying it to my city, I'm applying it to my circle of friends. Some major cuts on the way mostly because I'm tired of all the disrespect and lack of appreciation.

"It's DISGUSTING man...Keep my name out your motha fuckin mouth. There's no more room for jealousy, we're DESTROYING and REBUILDING, that means the cowards get out and the real niggas stay."

Love being me.

I love being me. I know I have to look like an idiot to some people reading this with all my back and forth can't make up my mind shit, but I came to yet another conclusion tonight about stupid girl.

I'm going to act like I love her as much as I do love her.

This has so many ways it can backfire but I really need to stop with the bullshit. I got caught up in games, and my frustrations and angst then caught up with me. No more catching an attitude with her, no more getting angry when she does something stupid, I'm just going to smile at her every chance I get and treat her like she's the most precious thing in this world.

I don't know how long I can keep it up, but hopefully just as long as she deserves it....forever. Now, that's not to say something needs to come out of it, because there's a good chance nothing will. However, I should already know that nothing really comes out of anything, it's what YOU put into it that matters.

Part of this came with the realization that even if we WERE to officially start talking again or whatever, things still wouldn't work out, because we'd still both be in this same mode of how we treat each other. I know I'd get upset, inside at LEAST, if she was talking to a bunch of dudes, but if I want to be the only one I've got to do something to put myself in the position to be the only one worth talking to in the first place.

And if none of it works, nobody can point a finger at me and say I didn't do enough. Playing the games more or less got me to where I wanted to be with her, but not consistently, which is really the true goal. It's funny I'm saying/thinking all this but as far as I know right now we haven't talked in a couple days because of all the fuckery that surrounded the situation from all sides. Yet, I have an ironic faith that this is my chance, and this is my time.

So we'll see what happens. I'm always down to put my heart out on a cliff just in case it might finally feel what it's like to ALMOST fall and break again, before finally being saved.

What to do

Drama. Bullshit. Lies. Frustration. Immaturity. Maturity. Pain. Love. Doing too much. Doing too little. Disappointment. Anger. Respect. Tears. Lack of faith. Too much faith. Patience. Volatility. Loneliness. Loneliness being filled with emptiness.

And it was all good just a week ago.

If I make you a song...

I SHOULD make you a song and never let you hear it...

My cousins trippin. Apparently I've been avoiding her since her car broke down. Even though Friday night I invited her to come to karaoke, picked her up and chilled with her after and on Sunday took her to lunch and spent at least 2 hours with her. She says I was bored and karaoke and took her to lunch out of pity.

Wow.

It's crazy because I've always put my cousin before everyone else and I really do love her more than anyone else. So, while it was just probably her being the way I know she can be sometimes, on her Facebook she said some stupid shit like "Alyssa W. Is taking apps 4 new family members & friends..interested??"

Double Wow.

So now I have to go over there, deal with her little attitude and tell her never to say some stupid shit like that ever again in life. I'm so fucking busy these days though man. I still haven't seen my littlest brother and sisters, haven't seen my little brothers in a while, and haven't seen Ben in a LONG time. My cousin should really be grateful I see her as much as I do. Smh, whatever dog.

I gotta go write a song to my weakness that I don't think I'll ever let her hear...

Lost in a whirlpool

*sigh*

Ok, maybe it changed things a little more than I'd like to think.

To me it's still this sort of surreal occurrence that I'm not entirely sure even happened in reality. Everything and everyone around me seems the same. Yet, I feel different.

Looking at it optimistically, she finally feels comfortable with me. Maybe even safe. Like, when she's alone with me I take all of her pain away. Maybe I just numb it.

Looking at it pessimistically, she feels that way with everybody in that situation.

Yet, it's still this kind of big relief, that all I wanted was for things to be like that consistently and there's a chance it could end up that way. Not to say it WILL, because Lord knows it could have been a once-in-a-lifetime thing, especially how everything went...

So I know I have to chill, and see what moves I need to make. I've learned how she signals those moves now, and while subtle, I can see right through her. I see her pain, and even if I'm just there to make it go away for a short while, if I can, I will.

Then we'll see if the sun still shines a little brighter the next day...

lol, WOW...

I think I just got my lines swagger jacked and reused lmao, that shit is collllld.

ANYWAYS...

Tastes like candy, smells like flowers.

But I just played in the garden, I didn't go much further. I COULDN'T. Hmm, maybe next time. I don't think this complicates things much, but it certainly makes them more interesting.

Lack of details....story of my life.

Past few days have been real cool though, not too much to report on but I think a few things are starting to swing back my way. And I like it. =)

Stay In Your Lane

I got the car, love it. Moving on...

We just had an encounter with police again. Me, Ace, Maury and the other people who are relatively obsolete to this story lol. We were playing basketball at the park, had just finished and were leaving when a cop pulled up. He was shining his light at us, mind you from at least 200 feet away, and Maury yelled, "Turn that damn light off!". So as we continue leaving, I'm at the head of the group with another guy and the cop asks who is the smart mouth who said to turn the light off. We both said we didn't know, and Maury yells it AGAIN from over on the court. Guys voice, only 2 guys in the back it could have been. I don't think the cop heard it the second time though. Moving on...

He asks us how old we are, asks if we have ids because the park closes at 10 and he can tow our cars blah blah blah. Then he asks us who has the smart mouth. Ace and Maury are kind of standing directly in front of the cop, while I'm off to the side. The cop singles out Ace like "Was it you with the smartass mouth?" Ace says, "No, can I ask why you're singling me out of everybody here?" and the cop says "Because you're the one who has the arrogant look on your face." Moving on...

So, none of us ended up getting tickets and as we're all preparing to pull away, me Ace and Maury are in the car and I'm telling Maury jokingly like "Haha, damn how many times are you going to be smart to a cop and still expect to get away with it?" and the cop walks up to the window and once again singles out Ace. "Are you over here talking shit again?" Ace replies, in a raised voice "NO! I JUST SAID BYE TO THEM AND THAT WE'LL SEE THEM LATER!" The cop is like "Don't fuck with me man, all that shit talking means nothing to me. I worked in L.A. for 15 years, most of them in South Central. You better calm that down." blah blah blah we all leave no harm no foul. Moving on...

So, in the car I address the issue with Ace that I will also address here. I told him that he WAS raising the voice at the cop, he DOES have an arrogant look on his face and that this will all end up backfiring on him one day. Keep in mind that I'm on his side, I don't really like 95% of cops, and this is my friend who I consider family. He still refuses to hear ANYTHING I'm saying. "Nah blood I didn't raise my voice to him. How do I have an arrogant look on my face? He was just fucking with me because when he saw us at the court I had my shirt off and then when I put it on I was wearing a white tee he was just stereotyping me."

*sigh*

I told him, he knows he has an arrogant look on his face, because he's an arrogant person. His problem is he doesn't know when to turn that shit off. Then, even if he was stereotyping you, understand that he's stereotyping ALL of us. Even if he did do a little harder on you in your mind, you still should have just avoided the situation as much as possible because you already KNOW he's going to fuck with you. When he came to the window instead of raising your voice and speaking in a disrespectful tone, you SHOULD have just said "No, sir." HOW FUCKING HARD IS THAT? You want a ticket because you refuse to turn off your arrogance when you're already in the wrong? Ok, then I'll go harder.

THAT'S why you don't have a job. Because you're too cool and just don't care and "It is what it is." That's why you're broke. That's why you're not a happy person and we ALL know why. People who just don't give a fuck end up broke, with kids, in jail. Point blank, period. If you feel it makes you look cool, then keep acting like that. Really, it just makes you look stupid as fuck. Not to mention of all the people there you were the one least capable of paying a ticket if you got one. Shit, you'd probably have to get a ride from your mom to your court date. Sorry, it's the truth though.

Moral of the story is, part of maturity is learning when to swallow your pride. If you can't do that, you'll fall behind, which you have done. Now you can either try to catch up or fall further and further behind until nobody even wants to fuck with you anymore.

And I'll be telling this to you tomorrow.

Just Might Be Okay

I'm about 3 hours from sitting in my new car and driving it off the lot into the future. 2007 Ford Fusion S. I'll post pictures later, possibly. My payments will be higher than I wanted, my insurance will be much higher than I wanted but I'm completely willing to be broke for some months if it means not having to drive around expecting my car to break down every time I hit a corner, or not start before I go to work.

Trading in the Saturn for $500. lol, seems like so little for how much me and that car went through. The epitome of a love/hate relationship. I never gave my car a name, but she was a girl and I always just called her "My Bitch" lmao. Which was kinda true, cuz she was just my bitch until I got in a real relationship. I'm about to step into a real relationship now, I hope this girl treats me right. I won't be able to do as much as I used to, but that's what happens when you're in a committed relationship.

lol, metaphors are ill.

So as of right now I'm just kinda zoned in on that, putting some more music on my mp3 player because my new car has an AUX port so I can just plug it in and go. I'll probably end up writing another blog tonight, but we'll see.