The past week has been crazy and I'm sure it will only get crazier in the near future. My trip to AZ in and of itself was great. Very relaxing and I spent the whole week with my lil big bro making music and listening to it.
Now, I've lost love and respect for her. There's certain lines you don't cross whether or not you're officially with someone and she has crossed those lines repeatedly while continuing to express regret for them. When a respectable person makes a mistake, they do everything they can to make sure they don't make that same mistake again.
And the truth has finally surfaced on all corners of my circle (corners in a circle ftw) and now will be the time we find who's real and really down till the end. Yeah, I knew certain things but I felt it was best to keep it on the low. I'm confident in my decisions so I can go into this return to California with a clear head ready to rebuild everything that's crumbled in the past week.
I need to get my head on right though, so I'm not scared of losing certain parts of my surroundings if it allows me more room to wander. I've got quite a bit to do today though, so I gotta get ghost but I'm sure I'll be back quite soon lol.
8/3/09
7/20/09
Random thoughts
I think it's pretty safe to say that trying to recap the past 2 weeks is hopeless. So instead I'll say that me doing me has been going on to the fullest, and here's some shit that's been getting me lately...
Because of my life, I have a defense mechanism of not letting people get to know the real me. I spend so much time dodging emotion, brushing shit off, being sarcastic, and if anyone makes me FEEL, I make sure I know how to get to them so I can try to make them feel even more than me. The problem here is that while the people I DO let in forgive me for that when I do it and love the person they finally get to see with all defenses down, I leave some of my acquaintances in the dust. I find that people get a bad impression of me, and I get frustrated at how misunderstood I am to them, while exacerbating the situation by not letting them in still. I need to solve this problem.
I'm trying to avoid negativity. Negative emotions are a waste of time really, and only attract more negative emotion. Thus, no matter what happens I'm making a conscious effort to stay a loving person and ACT that way as well. While certain things happen and people around me stay negative, I accept it as life. Idk how to explain it really. Jackee and I got into it today, and I made a sincere apology which she rejected and proceeded to decide to "punish" me by not talking to me until I learn my lesson or whatever. Honestly, while it's disappointing because lord knows I like the girl, I'm letting it go. I gave my apology and if she still puts negative emotion into the situation, then it's just better that I avoid all that negativity. "He who does not feel me is not real to me. So POOF!"
I'm starting to find that the best things in life present themselves rather than you directly searching for them. Metaphor: The best teams in the NBA are taking the off-season standing back and looking at the big picture for players that can fit into their scheme. Not desperately, just keeping an eye out. Then, if they see someone they think can improve their situation, they carefully evaluate it more in-depth and make a decision. The worse teams are scavenging the free agent market, looking for the best players with the best stats in an attempt to score more points or bring more attention to their team. It never seems to be about a careful arrangement of players that mesh together and create a balanced team, it's about adding all the "best" pieces they can find and hoping it works out.
So, I'm making the moves that I know I've got to make and otherwise staying in my spot and watching the field. If anyone or anything fit the way I want to work out my life, I'll add them. If they look good on paper but I don't feel like they'd work in my offense, they'll have to go. Ya dig?
lol, Logic Speaks.
Because of my life, I have a defense mechanism of not letting people get to know the real me. I spend so much time dodging emotion, brushing shit off, being sarcastic, and if anyone makes me FEEL, I make sure I know how to get to them so I can try to make them feel even more than me. The problem here is that while the people I DO let in forgive me for that when I do it and love the person they finally get to see with all defenses down, I leave some of my acquaintances in the dust. I find that people get a bad impression of me, and I get frustrated at how misunderstood I am to them, while exacerbating the situation by not letting them in still. I need to solve this problem.
I'm trying to avoid negativity. Negative emotions are a waste of time really, and only attract more negative emotion. Thus, no matter what happens I'm making a conscious effort to stay a loving person and ACT that way as well. While certain things happen and people around me stay negative, I accept it as life. Idk how to explain it really. Jackee and I got into it today, and I made a sincere apology which she rejected and proceeded to decide to "punish" me by not talking to me until I learn my lesson or whatever. Honestly, while it's disappointing because lord knows I like the girl, I'm letting it go. I gave my apology and if she still puts negative emotion into the situation, then it's just better that I avoid all that negativity. "He who does not feel me is not real to me. So POOF!"
I'm starting to find that the best things in life present themselves rather than you directly searching for them. Metaphor: The best teams in the NBA are taking the off-season standing back and looking at the big picture for players that can fit into their scheme. Not desperately, just keeping an eye out. Then, if they see someone they think can improve their situation, they carefully evaluate it more in-depth and make a decision. The worse teams are scavenging the free agent market, looking for the best players with the best stats in an attempt to score more points or bring more attention to their team. It never seems to be about a careful arrangement of players that mesh together and create a balanced team, it's about adding all the "best" pieces they can find and hoping it works out.
So, I'm making the moves that I know I've got to make and otherwise staying in my spot and watching the field. If anyone or anything fit the way I want to work out my life, I'll add them. If they look good on paper but I don't feel like they'd work in my offense, they'll have to go. Ya dig?
lol, Logic Speaks.
7/18/09
Before I die list
1) Skydive.
2) Go to Disneyland high as fuck.
3) Have sex with a girl I love on E.
4) Buy a sports car and outrun the cops on the freeway.
5) Draw up an elaborate plot to rob a bank but never do it lol.
6) Think of more cool shit to do before I die.
Amanda's still around, Jackee's still around, my vacation's coming up, and I'm not sure what to do with my life anymore.
That's all I have to say for now.
2) Go to Disneyland high as fuck.
3) Have sex with a girl I love on E.
4) Buy a sports car and outrun the cops on the freeway.
5) Draw up an elaborate plot to rob a bank but never do it lol.
6) Think of more cool shit to do before I die.
Amanda's still around, Jackee's still around, my vacation's coming up, and I'm not sure what to do with my life anymore.
That's all I have to say for now.
7/6/09
Curiosity killed the cat
Fucking females dog...
Amanda says she loves me. She says she realized a lot of things and that I was right in saying I know her best. This all comes just as I was truly becoming comfortable with the idea that I no longer have feelings for her like that. Lord knows I still have mad love for her, but as far as her being on my mind and being THE girl I love.....nah. So I told her that she's kinda OD'in and we'll talk about it more later. So, I'll talk about it more later....lol.
Jackee.....damn. It all started when she didn't come to karaoke and I told her I would pick her up and she still didn't come. Iffy to say the least. Then she left me alone with her phone and my curiosity took over. I found out my name in her phone was "Shawne" which isn't my name ahahah obviously. So I let that slide but there was obviously more than meets the eye going on. Next she had on her AIM away message something about hanging out with "wifey" that night. The revelations of last blog entry were that she's bi. So I decided to just ask her straight up what was good. She tells me wifey is a gay dude she knows and she calls him that, and that my name is different in her phone because she fucks some dude and he goes through her phone and trips when there's a new name in it. So to justify this she only didn't tell me because he supposedly means nothing to her and she only does it to him because he gives her money that she needs. Then tonight I decide to Google her, because with no MySpace or Facebook I really need something to fall back on to see if I can trust her. Negative. Some girl in Moreno Valley wrote her name in a blog saying AND I QUOTE (lol) "love this girl unconditionally and Im willin to move past everything that has happened and start over fresh." That's the only part of the blog I got to see and yet there are already like 3 different problems with JUST that.
So now I gotta decide what I'm going to do with her. I definitely think I'm going to keep her around, she seems like a pretty good friend if nothing else. BUT (I apologize for the simp shit but I HAVE to get this out) it's really disappointing to say the least. Everything about her seemed so perfect and she said all the right words, so it's kind of hard to believe that it was all game. Yet, I have this feeling that I should stick around but keep my head above water. WAY above water. She's going to lie, and she's going to sneak (apparently) but I'll just act like Dell and not believe any of that shit lol. Yet, just like Dell, beyond all the bullshit, I know for a fact there's a genuine person under there. So maybe I should just take it upon myself to try and pull that person out. I kind of have a knack for getting to people who nobody else can get to, so hey who knows, maybe this time I'll get lucky. Peace.
Amanda says she loves me. She says she realized a lot of things and that I was right in saying I know her best. This all comes just as I was truly becoming comfortable with the idea that I no longer have feelings for her like that. Lord knows I still have mad love for her, but as far as her being on my mind and being THE girl I love.....nah. So I told her that she's kinda OD'in and we'll talk about it more later. So, I'll talk about it more later....lol.
Jackee.....damn. It all started when she didn't come to karaoke and I told her I would pick her up and she still didn't come. Iffy to say the least. Then she left me alone with her phone and my curiosity took over. I found out my name in her phone was "Shawne" which isn't my name ahahah obviously. So I let that slide but there was obviously more than meets the eye going on. Next she had on her AIM away message something about hanging out with "wifey" that night. The revelations of last blog entry were that she's bi. So I decided to just ask her straight up what was good. She tells me wifey is a gay dude she knows and she calls him that, and that my name is different in her phone because she fucks some dude and he goes through her phone and trips when there's a new name in it. So to justify this she only didn't tell me because he supposedly means nothing to her and she only does it to him because he gives her money that she needs. Then tonight I decide to Google her, because with no MySpace or Facebook I really need something to fall back on to see if I can trust her. Negative. Some girl in Moreno Valley wrote her name in a blog saying AND I QUOTE (lol) "love this girl unconditionally and Im willin to move past everything that has happened and start over fresh." That's the only part of the blog I got to see and yet there are already like 3 different problems with JUST that.
So now I gotta decide what I'm going to do with her. I definitely think I'm going to keep her around, she seems like a pretty good friend if nothing else. BUT (I apologize for the simp shit but I HAVE to get this out) it's really disappointing to say the least. Everything about her seemed so perfect and she said all the right words, so it's kind of hard to believe that it was all game. Yet, I have this feeling that I should stick around but keep my head above water. WAY above water. She's going to lie, and she's going to sneak (apparently) but I'll just act like Dell and not believe any of that shit lol. Yet, just like Dell, beyond all the bullshit, I know for a fact there's a genuine person under there. So maybe I should just take it upon myself to try and pull that person out. I kind of have a knack for getting to people who nobody else can get to, so hey who knows, maybe this time I'll get lucky. Peace.
7/2/09
I'm a slutbag
General ass blog. Too much to cover.
I'm lowkey talking to a lot of females.
Jackee is all that and then some. Unexpected revelations and shit. Plus, she's like me..... if I had gone through 10 times more and still came out 10 times stronger. She's like.... incredible. Honestly. And there's something about her that makes me just want to give her the whole fucking world on a platter. After just our SECOND date. lol.
Amanda and I kind of have this..... understanding. IDK WTF we are really. I guess the general consensus is that we do both still have feelings for each other, and we need to stop fucking around and figure out what we want to do with those feelings. It's like, I want her around physically for now, but if I got a girl, I'd just want her as a friend, but if we broke up, I would still want her back around physically. See, I don't fucking know. For now she's my boo though, as far as I can tell.
Then there's my cousin who I hope keeps her job. I can see why people don't understand the dynamics of our relationship. We will talk about sex openly and graphically, and just laugh and shit. High chance that's not common. Oh well, neither of us are common people, so we won't even bother breaking the mold, just be above it.
lol, I have to retire from this blog for now. It's funny, I kind of want a play-by-play recap for myself as I get older but truth be told, all the good stories will probably just be memories in the first place. =)
I'm lowkey talking to a lot of females.
Jackee is all that and then some. Unexpected revelations and shit. Plus, she's like me..... if I had gone through 10 times more and still came out 10 times stronger. She's like.... incredible. Honestly. And there's something about her that makes me just want to give her the whole fucking world on a platter. After just our SECOND date. lol.
Amanda and I kind of have this..... understanding. IDK WTF we are really. I guess the general consensus is that we do both still have feelings for each other, and we need to stop fucking around and figure out what we want to do with those feelings. It's like, I want her around physically for now, but if I got a girl, I'd just want her as a friend, but if we broke up, I would still want her back around physically. See, I don't fucking know. For now she's my boo though, as far as I can tell.
Then there's my cousin who I hope keeps her job. I can see why people don't understand the dynamics of our relationship. We will talk about sex openly and graphically, and just laugh and shit. High chance that's not common. Oh well, neither of us are common people, so we won't even bother breaking the mold, just be above it.
lol, I have to retire from this blog for now. It's funny, I kind of want a play-by-play recap for myself as I get older but truth be told, all the good stories will probably just be memories in the first place. =)
6/27/09
Smh
Last night was bunk. I invited my new boo to come to karaoke a few days ago and she kept swearing she would come. Well, last night I had to work, which is unusual for me, so I wasn't going to get there until like 11:30. I told her and she said she might not see me then because her cousin was going to take her and she doesn't like waiting places for people to show up.
So, I offer to pick her up because honestly the only reason I even wanted to go to karaoke was because I wanted to have a decent night of fun out with her. She was like, "Ok I'll let you know if I need a ride because I stalled my cousin so I could see you and now she's playing." "awww, how sweet." I think to myself. She's supposed to let me know by midnight. Midnight comes and I still haven't heard anything, so I call. She doesn't answer.
She texts me like 45 minutes later like "Oh sorry I was trying to get her to take me to my moms so I could get my car and meet you there but she didn't come through so sorry I couldn't go I'll make it up to you promise." I say it's cool or whatever and go on about my night.
As much as I would LIKE to give her the benefit of the doubt, this is exactly the kind of stupid shit I ignored when it came to my last girl that ended up backfiring on me. I offered to give her a ride, so really, if she wanted to come there is NO fucking excuse. And, why wouldn't she have her car with her in the first place? I guess she thinks I was born yesterday, but really, I'm not that fucking retarded. On come OG Cuzzo Alyssa shit, she was probably just with another nigga. Oh well, I'll take the L for last night, probably the future, and if she feels like she needs to make it up to me she'll do it on her own time.
AND THEN...
Stupid girl is predictable. Utterly predictable. And depending on what happens tonight, she might just be the most predictable girl ever.
The end.
So, I offer to pick her up because honestly the only reason I even wanted to go to karaoke was because I wanted to have a decent night of fun out with her. She was like, "Ok I'll let you know if I need a ride because I stalled my cousin so I could see you and now she's playing." "awww, how sweet." I think to myself. She's supposed to let me know by midnight. Midnight comes and I still haven't heard anything, so I call. She doesn't answer.
She texts me like 45 minutes later like "Oh sorry I was trying to get her to take me to my moms so I could get my car and meet you there but she didn't come through so sorry I couldn't go I'll make it up to you promise." I say it's cool or whatever and go on about my night.
As much as I would LIKE to give her the benefit of the doubt, this is exactly the kind of stupid shit I ignored when it came to my last girl that ended up backfiring on me. I offered to give her a ride, so really, if she wanted to come there is NO fucking excuse. And, why wouldn't she have her car with her in the first place? I guess she thinks I was born yesterday, but really, I'm not that fucking retarded. On come OG Cuzzo Alyssa shit, she was probably just with another nigga. Oh well, I'll take the L for last night, probably the future, and if she feels like she needs to make it up to me she'll do it on her own time.
AND THEN...
Stupid girl is predictable. Utterly predictable. And depending on what happens tonight, she might just be the most predictable girl ever.
The end.
6/25/09
Sooooo
Date went deliciously well, we have a real cool vibe going, feels like I've known her for a lot longer than I have. It was interesting, near the end of our date we started talking about semi-serious stuff. Now, I know I asked some of those questions because I can definitely see us going somewhere, so I just wonder if she asked some of her questions for the same reasons. Ace liked her, as well as Audrey, so +2 for her.
Audrey is kind of like me, except that while everyone around me fucked me over, I still had my two closest friends around who had never done that. For her, it was everyone PLUS her closest friends. I want to be a good friend to her, so that she can know what having one feels like, but I have to ease my way in, especially now that she knows what goes on behind closed doors and the kind of secrets people keep... and it's really hard to trust anyone when you know stuff like that. Personal experience.
Other than that, I spent the day observing and keeping to myself. Stupid girl definitely feels the rift now, and Mindy probably caught on that it's over for her, for now, because we haven't spoken SINCE Saturday. Interestingly enough, I give that a huge "Oh well" and keep moving. I fucked up and wasted a good 2 hours of my time today fucking with people who aren't doing shit in their lives, and feeling like I need to step my game up because I'm still fucking with useless pawns. I'm an asshole and I openly admit that, but my niggas and I can be doing way better than these tricks. At the very least I finally perfected my thesis on moving somewhere to avoid problems...
The grass is greener on the other side because you don't take good care of your lawn. So, if you move to the other side of course it will be green at first, but unless YOU change how you treat your lawn, it will end up just as brown as the one you just left.
That being said, I'm going back into slow motion tomorrow, hitting the gym and going to work, hopefully that's it. =/
Logic Speaks
Audrey is kind of like me, except that while everyone around me fucked me over, I still had my two closest friends around who had never done that. For her, it was everyone PLUS her closest friends. I want to be a good friend to her, so that she can know what having one feels like, but I have to ease my way in, especially now that she knows what goes on behind closed doors and the kind of secrets people keep... and it's really hard to trust anyone when you know stuff like that. Personal experience.
Other than that, I spent the day observing and keeping to myself. Stupid girl definitely feels the rift now, and Mindy probably caught on that it's over for her, for now, because we haven't spoken SINCE Saturday. Interestingly enough, I give that a huge "Oh well" and keep moving. I fucked up and wasted a good 2 hours of my time today fucking with people who aren't doing shit in their lives, and feeling like I need to step my game up because I'm still fucking with useless pawns. I'm an asshole and I openly admit that, but my niggas and I can be doing way better than these tricks. At the very least I finally perfected my thesis on moving somewhere to avoid problems...
The grass is greener on the other side because you don't take good care of your lawn. So, if you move to the other side of course it will be green at first, but unless YOU change how you treat your lawn, it will end up just as brown as the one you just left.
That being said, I'm going back into slow motion tomorrow, hitting the gym and going to work, hopefully that's it. =/
Logic Speaks
6/24/09
Apparently my dick is in season
I talked to stupid girl last night, got a few things off my chest, got emotional talking about my moms, let her hear the song that I wrote about her and never recorded, I told her I don't love her anymore. She hugged me when she left, kissed me on the cheek and when I got home she sent me a picture of her in her bra. Wtf why. Irritating. I have to admit, she's much more like a drug that the other one, and I finally think I'm ready to quit. Consequently, it just means she'll go THAT much harder, but I think I'm ready for it. Random quote in 3....2......1....
"I aint a player I just crush a lot
Literally.... my high school crush was hot
And I aint gonna lie yeah we fucked a lot
Touched the spot
And yeah I really did catch feelings, but it's over
She was a drug and now I'm sober."
- Charles Hamilton
Then today I'm supposed to be going to the movies with my new boo lol but my cousin wants to go to the movies with her little sister because her birthday was Monday. Now, I kind of planned for the date a while ago so I do want to do that but at the same time it's my little cousin we're talking about here. I don't want to let anyone down so I'm stuck between a rock and a very very hard place.
Will I figure out how to please everyone? Find out in the next blog, ha!
"I aint a player I just crush a lot
Literally.... my high school crush was hot
And I aint gonna lie yeah we fucked a lot
Touched the spot
And yeah I really did catch feelings, but it's over
She was a drug and now I'm sober."
- Charles Hamilton
Then today I'm supposed to be going to the movies with my new boo lol but my cousin wants to go to the movies with her little sister because her birthday was Monday. Now, I kind of planned for the date a while ago so I do want to do that but at the same time it's my little cousin we're talking about here. I don't want to let anyone down so I'm stuck between a rock and a very very hard place.
Will I figure out how to please everyone? Find out in the next blog, ha!
6/23/09
Fingers in my ears
I'm highkey tired as hell. Emotional rollercoasters along with the physical ones I went on Saturday. I want to walk away, leave her high and dry and THAT'S when she finally decides to open up. I can be there for her as a friend but if I don't see her beginning to truly improve I'm walking the fuck away.
This other girl though, wow, she seems pretty fucking amazing. I haven't seen her since I met her but we've been texting a lot and everything I said I wanted, she just might be. Maybe it's because she's older and had already been through that 'phase', or maybe it's because she's had so much drama and hardship, or maybe it's a little of both. Either way, I really can't wait for our little date on Wednesday, I have a feeling it will go very well. Plus, she basically told me I need to be goofy and outgoing to hang so if I have to be goofy, we'll see if SHE can keep up with just how goofy I can really be lol.
Yet, whatever happens in any case, I don't want to give too much of myself out right now, I'm still focused on me. Shit, I haven't even really gotten a good night's sleep in a while, nevermind some time to myself to just chill and not have anything to do or anywhere to go. To increase the standards by which those around me are held accountable for, I must first increase the standards for myself. So, that's the goal.
Read a few books, write a few songs and if there's people down for the journey and not just down for the ride, they can come with me. Think about that.
Logic Speaks
This other girl though, wow, she seems pretty fucking amazing. I haven't seen her since I met her but we've been texting a lot and everything I said I wanted, she just might be. Maybe it's because she's older and had already been through that 'phase', or maybe it's because she's had so much drama and hardship, or maybe it's a little of both. Either way, I really can't wait for our little date on Wednesday, I have a feeling it will go very well. Plus, she basically told me I need to be goofy and outgoing to hang so if I have to be goofy, we'll see if SHE can keep up with just how goofy I can really be lol.
Yet, whatever happens in any case, I don't want to give too much of myself out right now, I'm still focused on me. Shit, I haven't even really gotten a good night's sleep in a while, nevermind some time to myself to just chill and not have anything to do or anywhere to go. To increase the standards by which those around me are held accountable for, I must first increase the standards for myself. So, that's the goal.
Read a few books, write a few songs and if there's people down for the journey and not just down for the ride, they can come with me. Think about that.
Logic Speaks
6/21/09
Out of this world, out of my mind.
Yesterday was the first time that I can honestly say I came to the realization that stupid girl is a stupid girl and not worth my time. I been KNOWN, but there's a difference between knowing something and then applying it to your reality.
So some nigga she met was with us or whatever and I basically avoided them all day until the very end and by that point even when they were all hugged up and cuddling and shit I honestly felt no particular way about it. If anything it amazes me how I got taken for granted on such a large scale, how much she really just doesn't care about how I feel about her and basically doesn't give a fuck about me at all.
So I just kind of realized that if she's happy and comfortable over in this niggas arms instead of mine, there's not a god damn thing I can do about it. I've done all I can and if I'm lucky the best that will come out of this is a few years from now she'll be in a terrible position and find herself regretful that she did me like this.
"You love me baby...
Unlove me baby
Let me be
Set me free
You near me baby?
Not nearly baby
You're saying I'm your friend
Then why're we at the end?
But I should be ashamed 'cause I
Let you treat me this way and I've
Known all this time
I should have been using
The right side of my brain"
With no regrets.
Might be a new chapter coming up soon, but I'll let you know when the wheels start rolling.
So some nigga she met was with us or whatever and I basically avoided them all day until the very end and by that point even when they were all hugged up and cuddling and shit I honestly felt no particular way about it. If anything it amazes me how I got taken for granted on such a large scale, how much she really just doesn't care about how I feel about her and basically doesn't give a fuck about me at all.
So I just kind of realized that if she's happy and comfortable over in this niggas arms instead of mine, there's not a god damn thing I can do about it. I've done all I can and if I'm lucky the best that will come out of this is a few years from now she'll be in a terrible position and find herself regretful that she did me like this.
"You love me baby...
Unlove me baby
Let me be
Set me free
You near me baby?
Not nearly baby
You're saying I'm your friend
Then why're we at the end?
But I should be ashamed 'cause I
Let you treat me this way and I've
Known all this time
I should have been using
The right side of my brain"
With no regrets.
Might be a new chapter coming up soon, but I'll let you know when the wheels start rolling.
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